Tag: Stillbirth

Dear Betty #46

Published on by bettydora2 Comments

Dear Betty,

I never imagined I would have a daughter but the moment I was told you were a girl I had our whole lives mapped out. The adventures, outfits, the bedroom, the hair styles, everything.

It’s been a while my darling. A while since mummy wrote her thoughts about you. Being the worrier that I am, I worry that people will think because I’m not talking about you I’m not thinking about you. I want you to know this couldn’t be further from the truth. From the minute I wake in the morning to the minute I go to bed you are in my thoughts, like your brothers I am thinking of you all the time, but in other ways, you aren’t loosing your school shoes or having a paddy over a prawn cracker, but if you were here I’m sure you would be – I wish you were. Know that every night before I close my eyes I look at your hand holding daddy’s in the picture we have by our bed and I think of you my love, I remember your perfect little face and your jet black hair and I can still feel your squidgy body in my arms.

Time moves so quickly, the time we have spent apart is so much longer than the time we had together – although that was never going to be difficult. But the love we have for you continues to grow everyday. The thought of the lifetime god willing I have ahead of me without you is still scary. I know you are gone, but I will never fully accept what happened to you, to our family. There will always be unanswered questions, the what ifs. These are the hardest to swallow, there isn’t a day that passes that I don’t question what I could/should of done differently. I don’t find comfort in knowing it wasn’t my fault because let’s face it although I wasn’t directly responsible if we look at all the events leading up to that day If I had made different decisions you could be here, but we will never know.

I need you to know that even tho now our grief isn’t all consuming like it was in the beginning and I don’t cry as much as before it doesn’t mean we don’t miss or love you any less. Often the feeling of guilt that straddles a feeling of excitement or happiness feels so awful I wonder if I should feel it at all. I hope you know we wish more than anything that you were here with us, I thought about you on many occasions last weekend as we celebrated your little brothers birthday what would be if you had of been here. Vinnie loves LOL dolls – I bet you would of too, I wonder if you would of laid on the rug in the lounge on your tummies together playing, doing all the American accents like he watches on You Tube or would you argue and fight like him and Archie do! Or would you be the balance in between that boy sandwich! I often think of you in this house along with Archie and Vinnie, thinking about the three of you here with me is just so heartbreakingly sad, I wish you were here my darling, I wish you could of had all your brothers have and more.

I can picture the 3 of you in matching pyjamas at Christmas and I feel so sad to know you will never be in the photo. We still talk about you so much, Vinnie can say your name now, when I ask him where you are he says you are at a party. I hope where ever you are you’re having fun. I still don’t know if I believe in heaven but I like to think of you somewhere where only love exists, where the pain of loss and heartbreak can never reach you.

As your birthday arrives this year, the 4th one without you I promise we will keep your memory alive. Where we live now the stars are so clear and bright. From the very first moment I told Archie where you had gone he told me you were a star and even now when we look up he always looks for you, we all do and always will.

As life after loss continues and our journey and story grows there is one thing that will never change and that is that you were here. I always say I would do it all over again just to hold you and I would, even if the outcome was to be the same. When we had Vinnie we had no guarantees he would arrive to us safely but I believe you helped us with that.

I hope you are watching, I hope you are happy and I hope you feel the love we have for you today and always. Mummy has made so many friends since you left many who have babies in heaven with you, I hope you are all together and feel nothing but love and happiness. It provides a comfort to know you are somewhere, somewhere safe and with those who leave us here and arrive to look after you, this birthday you have your great granny Gi Gi with you. Please keep shining we love you so very much and you are with mummy everywhere I go.

I will never understand why we couldn’t keep you but I’m so lucky that I held you for that small moment in time. Tonight the sky will light up for you and all your friends in a wave of light. You are all so loved.

My beautiful little girl forever our daughter, our baby, our Betty

Mummy X

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Hope #44

Published on by bettydora2 Comments

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Today’s blog is dedicated to hope. My hope came in the form of little Vinnie. Today my Rainbow baby is 3. Not so little anymore! We are so blessed to have this little rocket in our lives but the journey with him has not been easy.

There is no denying having another baby after the death of another not only restores hope but for me it provided a renewed purpose. It has however also added an additional layer to my grief.

Firstly I must explain that Betty was to be our Rainbow baby after suffering a miscarriage 2 years before her. After we lost that baby we were so rocked and in shock we just weren’t expecting it (not that we were the next time) but it really shook us and we didn’t try for several years for another baby because we were so scared. The first baby was a ‘missed miscarriage’ at the 12 week scan it was found that at around 9 weeks the baby had died.

We decided to start trying for Betty in the January of 2015 and were very fortunate to get pregnant on the first try. Once I got to 20 weeks I really did feel ‘out of the woods’ if you like and I never even contemplated that I would loose her. At no point, it just wasn’t in my thoughts at all – I was so naive.

After Betty died it was strange, you would of thought it would be worse or similar to the scared feelings of the first time, but this was different. Both myself and Scott knew instantly we had to try for another baby. We knew it wouldn’t replace her no baby could do that, but our arms were so empty, the house was empty we decided that we would wait for my period to return if it did (I wasn’t sure if my body would work at all after everything that had happened) and then we would try but not put any pressure on ourselves, if it took a year or longer so be it we just needed to try. To our shock and absolute delight and I guess terror we were so lucky to fall pregnant on the first try again (I don’t even know how this happened) I thought it would take months after all my body had been through.

I was so scared but we had to try this. I needed to give myself hope again. I felt like I had let so many people down this was going to be my chance to restore faith, of course it was so much more than that. I had to blinker my thoughts, Scott would frequently give me pep talks and tell me they wouldn’t let this happen to us again, they simply wouldn’t. We were under a top consultant and from early on we were under the care of the hospital, we had an early scan, then more frequent ones with the consultant. I was tested for gestational diabetes more than once as there had been a suggestion with Betty that some of the results from our post mortem pointed towards gestational diabetes (the test they missed out was the one that would of confirmed this either way which was why it was so frustrating) when we had the 20 week scan me and Archie went together as Scott was working away, when they said it was a boy he said he wanted a sister and I cried because I wasn’t sure how I felt! Deep down I was relieved because I had never thought I would have a daughter and I never thought we would so this just confirmed my intuition. I knew this boy would be strong, although I was anxious deep down I had to believe we were going to take him home.

In a twist of fate the hospital had planned to induce me if I wished at 38 weeks but this was going to fall on Betty’s birthday I explained that I just didn’t think I could cope with going in on or just before or after her birthday, I hadn’t been back in the maternity unit since the day we left her and it was a huge fear of mine. I just felt like it would all be too much and there was no way I could risk taking this pregnancy to 39 weeks. It was agreed I could go in just after 37 weeks and it was a comfort to have an induction date along with going in for monitoring twice weekly from 30 weeks, my midwife would see me mid week every week so I never had to go longer than a few days without seeing anyone and of course if I wanted to I could go as much as I wanted to be monitored.

As much as I found all the extra monitoring a comfort the thing I found most stressful was the extra scans, because they are looking in so much more than with a low risk pregnancy I felt things were being discussed or brought up that wouldn’t normally be discussed the fluid levels were a huge stress for me. I constantly looked at the diamond on the fluid line and it stressed me out every single time I got the piece of paper, I studied every one afraid they had missed something or I had. I didn’t take hardly any pictures of my bump, with Archie I took 1 photo of me right at the end and I wished I had taken more pictures, with Betty I decided that once a month I would do a bump pic but then with Vinnie I was too scared to document my bump incase I jinxed it – so I have this one which was taken on the 11th October the day before he was born!

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We had our induction and everything was pretty straight forward, I had been induced with Betty so I knew what to expect, I had a lot of worries about going back to the ward where we were with Betty, luckily we weren’t in the same bay as we were with her. When we eventually went through to delivery the lovely midwife who delivered Betty and looked after her came in to see us, she had seen we were in and wanted to come and say hello. She told us that she often thought of Betty – this was such a lovely thing for her to do and it strangely put me at ease – I’m sure her name was Jo I just can’t remember. But she told us she is now dealing with a lot more of the bereavement side of midwifery and she was so kind and caring with us I know she will be a great help to others who sadly have to meet her. We were in hospital for a day and a half waiting for the induction to work but once my waters were broken Vinnie didn’t take long to arrive. I cuddled him as soon as he was born but it was clear to us there was something wrong, he was breathing strangely, I knew straight away he wasn’t right he was breathing strangely the midwife said it would just be some mucus but within a few minutes someone from NICU had come down and in an instant they took him away, Scott went with him and I was left alone.

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I think I was too tired to cry, I called my mum and dad and told them what happened and they came straight to the hospital and sat with me whilst I had a shower and waited to go and see him. Scott was with Vinnie and he said they were so amazing in the NICU, they had to put a cannula in his tiny hand and they did it effortlessly. It seemed almost unbelievable that we had waited this long for our baby and now he was poorly too. I was wheeled up to see him and I couldn’t touch or move him I just had to peer into his little incubator and hope he would survive. No one really knew what was wrong with him, he was 7lb 10oz so he was by far the biggest baby in there. Things weren’t meant to be like this, the staff were amazing. They gave me a side room so I didn’t have to sleep in with all the mothers who had their babies and I visited all day everyday. It was on day 3 that I finally held our baby boy. I couldn’t believe it when I went down that morning and they asked me if I would like a cuddle with him! I had been longing for this moment. It was wonderful. The next day I was able to try and feed him as up until that point they had been giving him expressed breast milk through a tube, I had been asking to feed him as I just knew the milk would make him stronger and get him out!

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Sure enough he started to turn a corner – I knew he was going to make it. He was such a fighter. Unbelievably we were nearing Betty’s birthday, I had never wanted to be here on that date and it was looking like the hospital wanted me to go home now and just come back to visit. They asked if I could go the next day, the 17th I explained to them that there was just no way I could walk out of that hospital on October 17th on what would of been my daughters 1st birthday and leave another child behind I just couldn’t. They were very understanding and they agreed I could stay a few more days, they would find a way! The 17th arrived, one of the midwives came to see me in the morning, she said she knew what a special day it was and she gave me 2 little knitted characters, a bunny and and bear. Vinnie still has them in his room, I will cherish them forever.

Scott arrived and we walked the corridor to see Vinnie for the day, as we arrived the nurses announced they had a surprise for us, as we walked round the corner Vinnie was out of his incubator and he was laid in a little cot, he had made such an improvement over night. His eyes were the widest we had ever seen them and he was looking at us as if to say, mum, dad I’ve been waiting for you in here. He was going to be able to come back to the ward with us that day. We were on cloud 9 of all the things that could of happened that day it was a sign from our gorgeous girl if nothing else, she was looking after her little brother and he was getting better and he was coming with us where he belonged. If I could ever describe a moment when I had such hope it would be this single moment in time. I can’t explain it properly it was just simply amazing.

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(this was who greeted us)

We wheeled his little cot back to our room – we felt like we were stealing him, it was so strange to have him with us. He was jaundice so we had to stay a few more days and we were moved into the main ward (which was an experience) but it didn’t matter we had him our little rainbow and then the most magical thing happened Archie met Vinnie properly for the first time, he held him and he smiled so much! He was so proud to finally have his little brother in his arms not just peering through his plastic cot. He was so happy because we could tell him we would be coming home, he had missed me and was worried after loosing his sister.

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So a week longer than we expected but we finally took our little Vinnie home to our family, our friends. Home with us where he belonged to start living our lives again. Having a baby after loosing one was never going to be easy, it hasn’t and isn’t easy even now. But as this little bean turns a whole 3 years old today I am so grateful that we got to keep him, he has such a spirit and the last 3 years for so many reasons have been hard but I wouldn’t change any of it. To have this little boy our sunshine in amongst all the darkness. It doesn’t make your loss easier to have another child but it gives you a chance. A chance to give them all your hopes, your dreams and ultimately be a family.

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Without our losses we wouldn’t have our hope. I can’t even contemplate what may of been. He is my light, he is my dark, now he sleeps he is definitely saving my sanity. I would do it all over again for this chance, the chance to have my children, boy or girl it doesn’t matter they are mine and Scott’s, they come out of our unconditional love for one another, they are ours and we are theirs and we have been so blessed to have 3 beautiful children. We will always be forever heartbroken that Betty couldn’t stay but eternally grateful we got another chance and we have her brothers.

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(the first time he had both his boys together – it was a wonderful moment)

Even tho Betty died I would risk it all again to have that moment in time with her, she did exist, they exist and we are a family. A family of 5.

So as I tuck my little 3 year old into bed tonight after ‘the best day ever’ as he put it. I thank him for letting me be his mummy and I look for my star in the sky, she is always with me in everything I do, everyday and I try my hardest to be the best I can for all of them even on the days when I have to tell them off (most days), on the bad, the good and the calm days. Everyday I try to do my best as in my opinion parenting a child that is no longer here is probably one of the hardest jobs of all.

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To be continued..

Jen x

 

Loss #42

Published on by bettydora1 Comment

Loss – definition: the fact or process of losing something or someone.

Betty Feet

This week is bringing us ever so quickly to Betty’s 4th birthday. 4 years is a long time but in some ways it has flown, I can’t remember what I did yesterday but I can remember the 16th October, nearly every detail, I can remember how I felt, how I cried all night the night my daughter died. The afternoon of the 16th, it was a Friday, I was booked in for a scan , I had been for a midwife appointment on the Wednesday and I was measuring over (not unusual I guess as it had happened about a month prior to this) and Archie was 9lb 2oz this was probably going to be a big baby too! The hospital couldn’t fit me in any earlier than the Friday, I was due that week – they said I would probably of had the baby by then and wouldn’t make the scan! I made the scan, I was diagnosed with Polyhdramois (excess fluid) and they were estimating the baby to be well over 10lbs! I was asked to go to the maternity unit across town for 7pm that night, they said as I was already due and given these new risks I would be induced. I wasn’t worried, they weren’t worried, I was excited we were going to meet our baby girl at last!

We went home, I had a bath, we told Archie we would next be home with his sister that weekend. This still hurts so badly to write, I promised him, I will always feel like I let him down. We headed off to the hospital, left Archie in the safe hands of Scott’s mum and got put in a side room on the day assessment ward. The midwife came in and asked if we would like to listen to the babies heartbeat (we said no because we didn’t think there was a need to, we had seen her just a few hours ago and she was moving about and happy) this will of course always be a regret, although I am certain she was still alive at this point.

After a little wait we got taken to the maternity ward, we were ‘checked in’ they were waiting to speak to a consultant who was in with an emergency, they said they would not be starting the induction that evening because they were too busy and as this was a second baby she could arrive quickly. She told us to go and get some food, eat and come back when we were ready. We went and got a take away pizza, the midwife phoned whilst we were out and said not to rush back as they definitely wouldn’t be doing anything until the early hours – I asked if I could pop home and get my dressing gown as I had forgotten it, she said that would be fine and to not rush back. We didn’t take long as even tho she had said this I didn’t feel comfortable being gone from the hospital for too long.

We returned and they told me to get ready for bed, they told Scott that he could go home and get some sleep and they would call him when it was time to come back, they still weren’t sure when they would start the induction it could be the early hours. He stayed while I got into bed and the midwife said she would listen to the babies heartbeat before I went to sleep. She put the machine on – nothing, she could only find my heartbeat – I wasn’t concerned at this point. She went to get another machine and had some troubles with the plug, still nothing. They then wheeled a portable scan machine in, their faces said it all and then I saw the grainy image on the screen her little hand was limp, I knew she was gone.

We were whisked off the ward and taken to a side room, I kept asking them to do a c-section get her out quickly, they could save her. Their answer was no, she was gone. 4pm we had seen her in a scan, 10pm she was dead, how does this happen? We would have to wait until morning for a consultant to come and do a second scan to confirm she was dead. They pulled a ropey uncomfortable double bed out of the wall. My mum and dad were on holiday in Thailand, they were returning the following day, my mum had said the baby would wait for Nanny to come home before she arrived none of us could ever have imagined this. I phoned my Aunty because I just didn’t know what to do, her and my Uncle came to the hospital we told them what had happened we all sat in shock, I don’t know what time they went but I just remember laying on that bed all night I cried all night, I didn’t sleep, Scott didn’t either. I went in with a living baby and now I was lying in hospital with a dead one inside me. I was in hell. We laid there all night crying and just saying ‘why’ out loud, neither of us knew the answer, we didn’t know what to expect, we didn’t even understand what had happened.

The next morning it was confirmed she was gone. That night Betty was born. For a brief moment I thought she would cry, as the room fell silent I forgot for a minute she was gone. She just looked so perfect, so peaceful, this wasn’t how it was meant to be. She quickly became cold, her skin was clammy and she felt empty. I can’t explain it properly that’s the only word I can think to describe it. She was so beautiful, I was so sad I couldn’t see her eyes – I know they would of been huge like her big brothers, I think they would of been green I don’t know why. These are the silly things I just won’t ever know. We took some photos but we definitely didn’t take enough, I wanted to capture her but I almost didn’t feel like I could take photos like we would of done if she was alive it didn’t feel right. But I knew this was all we would have. The nurses kindly took her feet and hand prints and did little imprints in clay, I wish it would of been possible to get a proper cast of her hands and feet. Nothing was rushed, we could stay as long as we wanted. But I felt so conflicted, I needed to see Archie but I wanted to be with Betty. I didn’t know how we were going to tell him but we needed to be with him. We made the decision he would not meet Betty. I think it was the right one for us. He was 4, I don’t think he would of been able to understand that she wouldn’t be coming home I didn’t think it would be easy for him to process seeing her dead as she looked so normal.

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My mum and dad found out what had happened in their airport car on the way home from Thailand – I couldn’t say the words, Scott had to tell them. They came straight from the airport to the hospital with my brother and his now wife, they all saw Betty I’m so glad they did. My mum stayed with me all night and Scott went home to Archie. Mum bathed and changed her and spoke to her all night. I’m glad we had that time. By morning she had already changed her lips had changed colour and there was fluid leaking from her nose, I didn’t like it, she was so different to just a few hours before. They brought us a cold cot to keep her in when we weren’t holding her. I wanted to cuddle her but the more she warmed up the more she deteriorated. Every time I picked her up she was cold from where she had been on the mat in the cot, it was such a contradiction from what should be the snuggly hot water bottle newborn we were supposed to have.

We had to decide if we wanted a post mortem, the priest came and christened her, he said prayers and lit a candle in a little star shaped holder for her which we still have. He was so kind and caring and lovely. I don’t have a picture of me and Scott together with her, I wish I did. We decided although invasive a post mortem had to be done, we had to know how our perfect child was off to the morgue rather than our home.

We had more visitors that afternoon (which I will talk about in another post this week) we then got ready to go, I knew this was going to be the worst moment, the last time we would ever see her. We asked the nurses to take her as we didn’t want to walk away and leave her on her own in the room. So we kissed her, told her we loved her, tucked her up and they wheeled our baby away. 9 months of growing, excitement, love, plans for the future. Our whole life with our son and daughter were mapped out in our heads. Our life lay ahead a blessing to have one of each child, a son, a daughter. Our new life was about to begin without our longed for baby girl. At that moment our loss felt so great it might aswel have been the end of the world. We left hand in hand to embark on a new journey, a journey of loss, grief and pain. If only I could of told that mama that left that hospital that day that she would be ok, where she would be in 4 years time, that she would feel happiness and have hope again I probably wouldn’t have believed her. That was something I had to find out for myself. I had limited resources and people to reassure me of this at the time but I am so proud of how far we have come now.

It was clear from day 1 that I had no choice in this, the decision was firmly taken out of my hands. However unfair it did and still continues to feel it couldn’t be changed. But I did have a choice of how I would move forward, it could break me or it could make me. It could make me stronger, it could make me more resilient, it could make me see the good and it could make me see the bad. It could make me appreciate the small things and it could make me put perspective on every aspect of life. And it did. I was and continue to be sad and upset because my daughter died but I am lucky that I am here. I have so much in my life that I am to be thankful for and I live everyday feeling so thankful that she was ours. I would NEVER change her, because it could of been different and just because she didn’t survive doesn’t mean I have a regret her. In life we have to take risks because if we don’t then nothing wonderful would ever happen. Sometimes, like in our case things do go wrong and it’s hard but we have to learn to adapt to our ‘new normal’ and simply keep putting one foot in front of the other.

If today you are crippled with grief or loss and you stayed in bed all day, it’s ok. You can try tomorrow, if all you do is move from the bed to the sofa you still moved, small steps will turn into big ones and the days you have been wishing by will somehow turn into months and then into years, although you will always ‘feel’ your loss it will naturally become less raw and you will learn your own way of dealing with everything that encompasses the death of your child.

Everything we do in life often derives from love and life after loss is no different to this. If you have love you will get there, I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but love will guide you. For anyone feeling their loss today please know I understand and am here for you. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, I am so proud to share my words and my Betty with you all. I wish she was here but this is the next best thing to sharing our wonderful little girl with as many people who want to know about her.

THANK YOU

Jen x

Grief… #41

Published on by bettydora1 Comment

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Grief – definition: intense sorrow, especially caused my someone’s death.

I have been grieving for 1384 days. My journey began on the 16th October 2015, the day my daughter died. She was a full term baby, she weighed 9lb 7oz. Her name is Betty Dora Burborough. I have 2 sons, one who came before her and one who came after. I will only ever know what it is like to raise a daughter in my heart, never in my arms. Betty was stillborn, on October 17th 2015 she became 1 of the 15 babies that died in the UK that day. Betty was that statistic, I am part of that statistic. And here begins my journey, my journey of grief, loss, tragedy but ultimately love.

Nearly four years on I am used to how it feels now, I can deal with it, I can control it. Sometimes I feel worse, sometimes I feel ok. I will never feel ‘better’ I will never feel the same. I have just learnt to live and navigate it all. It 100% doesn’t feel as raw as it did in those first few weeks, months, but it’s still there, she is still gone. I have HAD to deal with it, I have HAD to live without her BUT I will NEVER accept and have peace with what happened to me, to us, to my family. Whoever said ‘everything happens for a reason’ – whilst I appreciate so many more things have happened that probably would not had she lived I doubt that person had experienced the loss of their child. I have said this so many times before but a parent should NEVER have to bury their child. It is not the way life was intended, it should be the other way round. I know it’s not always the case, I have done it – so many others I know now have also done it. We are the statistic, but we each have a story, we each have a child who we are desperate to tell you about, share with you, we want you to see them, admire them, tell us how beautiful they are, just like you would with everyone’s living children. The difference is, we only have a handful of images, we don’t have carefully curated photos of them with balloons on their birthdays, laid on a mat with a cute caption each month when they are babies. Their ‘firsts’ were their ‘lasts’. They will forever be ‘our babies’ because for them life went no further.

I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, I don’t need sympathy. I just want you to understand my story so that if you or one of your friends or family find themselves in this position you can help them, be there for them. The death of a child will always be a shock, it will always be in my opinion one of the worst things you can go through or see anyone else go through. But, perhaps myself and others talking about what we’ve been through can help you to guide a loved one or yourself should it god forbid ever happen to you.

 

I’m not here to try and scare you. If you are currently pregnant or grieving yourself then you may not feel you have a place here right now and that’s ok. I understand. But this week I want to try and help, try and educate. I’m not an expert, but I have been through it. There’s no tool kit for loss, but there are some things I would of done differently had I known more about baby loss. That doesn’t mean to say that if you are pregnant you need to read and educate yourself, I don’t want people to go through what should be a wonderful time in your life in fear. I am not here to breed fear. But at least if today or tomorrow or anytime from the moment these words are published you or someone you know find yourself in this position you may be able to help them, this may be able to help them. They might be able to capture the photos I wish I had, or avoid the situations I wish I had.

If you have read this far, thank you. If you havn’t lost a baby but have read this, thank you. Thank you for trying to understand and thank you for allowing yourself to be open to this topic. If you have lost a baby, I am so sorry, I am sorry you have had to come here, I am sorry they died. But please know you are not alone, please know you are going to be ok, please know there is no sugar coating it, life will not be easy from this point, but it will get better. Please don’t feel ashamed, don’t feel isolated, and don’t suffer alone or in silence. In order to grieve we must re-live and talk about our experiences so that we can understand and move forward (not on).

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So welcome, my name is Jen and my daughter was stillborn, my daughter died.

Jen x

Starting again.. again.. #36

Published on by bettydora9 Comments

19 months ago today I woke up and prepared to spend my first day without my daughter. I started the journey of a lifetime without her. A lifetime, it is so hard to explain this undefined amount of time, without the one thing you dreamed of the most. Everyday I wish I could turn back the hands of time that move so quickly leaving her further in our past. To explain a love and loss that is so fierce some days you can’t breath for it consumes you, others your ok, this is grief I guess!

It’s been 3 months but I’m finally getting my blog on again. I’m ready to write and share our journey once more. It feels right, but it hasn’t for a while which is why I’ve not been posting anything. In the depths of a night of getting up and down with my beautiful rainbow baby boy I wrote this poem… I hope if you can’t relate to it you can appreciate the words. Thank you as always lovely people for supporting, encouraging and helping us through everyday.

A…

A breath never drawn

A birthday never sung

A life gone in an instant

A childhood never begun

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A family that lost one

A space never filled

A lifetime of missed out memories

They said nothing could be done

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Parents without their little girl

A brother without his sister

A picture never taken

A lifetime thinking how much we miss her

*

A rainbow came after

A light after our storm

A reminder good things happen

A gift in the bluest form

*

A family once more

A birthday with a baby

A life that starts to move again

A second chance, just maybe

*

As sunlight dawns we look for signs

A robin, the whitest feather

When darkness falls we look for stars

A reminder my darling, one day

A time will come

A time when we will all be together.

*

For Betty. Until that time. My beautiful girl.

When people say they are sorry but it’s not enough…#13

Published on by bettydora5 Comments


When Betty died, I know how much everyone’s hearts ached for us – at first I was sad, then I felt numb, then the anger came, then the blame, then the sadness, then the anger again, then I began to realise I had to accept it, it wasn’t going to change. BUT I WANTED HER BACK. But no matter how many times people said, I’m so sorry or they cried for me/with me I just wished they could help me to change what had happened. They couldn’t. There was no bringing her back. EVER. She was gone. I hated that. 

Deep down I just thought they were all just happy it wasn’t them, it began to feel like the only people I could turn to were the ones who had had it happen to them. But there weren’t many that I knew. Who do you turn to? What do you do? The worst thing was it felt like this was going to be just the start of our fight for Betty, it was, it still is. We have a long way to go before I will ever accept what happened to us was an accident. It wasn’t. I will not accept that. Sometimes things do happen – the consultant providing us with the investigation results said it was ‘a tragic accident’. Maybe. Maybe not. She died in October we then had to spend 3 long months waiting to find out the results of her post mortem. It was inconclusive. No answers, just so many more questions. The ones we had spent all that time going over and over were still there, but this time there were more to accompany them. 

I don’t know if I will ever be able to accept that – I am having to fight hard not to think about it, yet I know I have to because it doesn’t help things to dwell on negativity but sometimes you have to. Sometimes it feels like there is no other way and sometimes you need to go through that to help yourself. I think I do. I can honestly say I don’t think there is a day that has gone by since October 17th 2015 that I havn’t thought about what happened to Betty, thought about an area of the investigation in to her death, the night she died, the week leading up to it. In fact it brought into question my whole pregnancy, what did I miss – I would get a sign if my baby was going to die, I would know, I would see it coming, I didn’t, it hit me so hard, I think I might actually still be in shock! Did that actually happen to me? To my family? 

A recent report published by the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists, ‘Each Baby Counts’ (first report) (https://www.rcog.org.uk/en/news/press-release-over-a-quarter-of-local-investigations-into-stillbirths-neonatal-deaths-and-severe-brain-injuries-are-not-good-enough-says-rcog-report/) has given me more insight and made me realise what I already suspected, that our case was not investigated comprehensively. In my opinion, an investigation after a child has died should be conducted by an external team – it should in no way involve members of staff who had colleagues directly or indirectly involved in the care of a patient who died whilst under the hospitals care, in our case Betty. I cannot and will not accept that my child’s death was ‘a tragic accident’. There were factors that contributed and people were, in my opinion, until I can be shown otherwise, complacent and haphazard when it came to our care. Guidelines are there for a reason, if they are not being adhered to then there is a level of negligence, surely that is clear cut. 

I do not want others to go through what we went through. I know they will, but I want to do my best to prevent other families receiving the poor level of care we did. I want Betty’s case to be used as an example in the hospital to remind people to follow procedure and more importantly the ‘NICE’ guidelines. In 2016 it is not acceptable that 11 babies die a day from being stillborn. We should be able to prevent this. What am I going to do? To be honest right now I am not sure – I feel like a small fish swimming in a big ocean and it’s very daunting, I don’t know who I can turn to, but every day I am getting a little bit closer to helping myself and getting justice for Betty. I won’t let this consume our lives but equally I will not give up. She was our baby girl and a mothers love is not one to be reckoned with. 

I know I might sound crazy, bitter, unreasonable. But, at the end of the day I lost someone I love and if we can’t fight for the ones we love then what is there left to fight for?

Jen 

Sunshine… #11

Published on by bettydoraLeave a comment


So the title is ‘sunshine’ I am in fact referring to all this amazing weather we have been having this week and not my little (actually it’s quite a big) baby bump! Ha ha! However I can’t help but think of our own little sunshine right now! 

I have to say that personally I think there is no better tonic than that of the sun! It makes the shittest of days feel good (not that I’m having a crappy day) just a normal one, I went to work, met a friend for coffee, then another friend then picked Archie up from his dance class, cooked dinner, etc! Mundane but just everyday life.. Good days come so much more frequently to me now and when the sun is shining it just puts me in such a better mood!

Having had Archie at the end of March so being a spring/summer baby! I was looking forward to having a winter one this time with Betty. I looked forward to cold rainy days snuggled up with my little baby, chilly school runs with her wrapped in a hundred layers and cold family walks, with pics of our red cheeked little munchkins. Of course this didn’t happen instead the dreary days seemed just that.. dreary and depressing, I wondered if they were a reflection of my mood at the time and as the leaves of Autumn fell from the trees to reveal bare, sad looking surroundings it just made me think of myself and my own mood/feelings! There was nothing exciting or magical about the Autumn/Winter it was all one big fat pile of poo! 

But to be honest that doesn’t mean to say if you loose a baby in the summer you will still manage to remain happy because the sun is shining – far from it! You would just Infact hate the fact the sun is shining even more because you couldn’t think of anything worse than sitting out and enjoying it! Not that the winter for me even meant I could stay in and wallow in my own self pity, I couldn’t and actually I wouldn’t let myself (don’t get me wrong every now and again a good wallow and even more importantly a cry) is soothing for the soul! You get it out of your system and then feel a bit more balanced for a while – well in my opinion you do. But with the arrival of the winter and after what felt an eternity the spring (which is by far one of my favourite seasons) it reminded me how quickly things change. 

Now why am I harping on about the seasons? I quite possibly sound mental! Well.. for me in a reflective sort of way the arrival of them with time reminded actually how quickly time moves on, you have to embrace what you are going through at that point in your life and face it head on even tho more often than not it can be scary and not something we want to change or do, along with it come the harder days and then the mundane days which move time along but then you get to a point where summer comes and you look back at the other seasons and realise how things have changed so much in that time but now you have little things to enjoy, warm evenings, colourful flowers sprouting everywhere, lush green trees, bright mornings, less rain (we can hope) the occasional storm will fall but the worst is behind you and now you can in fact just enjoy the SUNSHINE.

Jen X

Going out of your comfort zone… #8

Published on by bettydora1 Comment

Those who have read my other blog posts will know I’ve never been a ‘big announcement’ person on Facebook! When I found out I was pregnant this time I never thought a few months later I would have started this blog and have announced it in such a way! 

When those 2 lines came up on the test I was shocked, happy, overwhelmed all at the same time! I know how incredibly lucky Scott and I were to be able to get pregnant so quickly – we decided we would try and if it happened it would be a bonus but if it didn’t it would when my body was ready after all I had only had a baby a few months previously (normally this would be the last thing on your mind, getting pregnant again) but for us it was all we could think about. 

After a few days at home after we left Betty in the hospital I said to Scott I want another baby, I had already decided in my mind I didn’t want to wait too long, he felt the same. It felt right and wrong all at the same time. Before Betty in 2013 I had a miscarriage, after that having a baby was the last thing we wanted it shocked us so much, we weren’t expecting it, we just couldn’t think about another. And as a result waited several years before trying for the baby that was Betty! I’m not saying that we weren’t shocked when this happened, we couldn’t have been more shocked to the core, but it was different this time. The seat was in the car, her clothes were washed and in the wardobe, the nappies and wipes were ready in a basket, her Moses basket was by our bed. We came home with no baby just a box with some keepsakes of her and a house full of reminders of the excitement we left just several nights before when we left to go and have our baby. 

I can honestly say this is literally the worst thing we have ever experienced, I pray we will never feel or go through something as devastating in our lifetime (of course we don’t know we may) but coming home to an empty house with all the war wounds of child birth but no baby laid in your arms to make it feel worth while was just mind numbing. I went to bed. I never wanted to get up. But I had to. 

So going back to those 2 lines. We were going to be starting this journey again so soon after going through it with Betty. It was going to be so different this time. To begin with I felt guilty, I worried people would think I was wrong to be having another baby so soon (why was I worried about what they thought?) maybe that’s just me! This baby was/is NEVER going to replace our baby girl but we were ready for her – our family had a space for one more, we need the fourth member of our ‘gang’ as we like to call it. We had to try again. Perhaps this baby could help to heal our broken hearts, fill a quiet house, after all we were prepared with all the kit a baby could ever need! 

All Betty’s things went back in the loft – the hospital bag still packed, I sorted nothing it just needed to go away. I said if we ever had another baby I wouldn’t get anything out until they were here – but as time is progressing this time I am trying to change my attitude to this. I don’t want to not think about this baby so much that it’s almost a shock when it arrives. We can’t go through the pregnancy in fear. We have to embrace Mother Nature, we have been given the gift now and we have to have hope and faith they will arrive safely and come home with us. After all the hospital will look after me so well this time, they don’t want it to happen again! Of course it could, we are now a statistic, once it’s happened to you once you are more at risk. But I am NOT going to make myself go crazy with that thought. 

Which is why this time, for the first time I am doing things differently, I havn’t had any counselling yet but in my own mind this is a sort of therapy for me. As well as my blog, this time I am going to set up the nursery, we actually didn’t even do that with Betty (we were going to wait until she went in her own room around 6 months) but this time we will put the cot up, get all the things we put in the loft back down, wash them, get them ready as we did before with all the hope of bringing any new addition to your family. This time I will put things about being pregnant on my blog, I will write about it, because it’s a big part of our life right now. It would be strange for me to not do it. 

Everyone’s support and messages of encouragement, sadness and love will get me through. I never thought 7 months ago when I sat in the same spot on my sofa where I am now, that I could feel like life was getting better. Back then, even tho it wasn’t that long ago I thought I would never feel normal again, never have the feeling of hope or excitement and more importantly, happiness. And even if I wasn’t pregnant again right now, I would still have those feelings right now at this moment in time. I have a lot to be happy and grateful for and also a lot to be sad and unhappy for but I will not let the latter get the better of me. It is the hand we have been dealt, it is life, we have to keep living it. After all what is the other option? If someone had said that to me months ago I would probably have wanted to punch them in the face! Hee hee! But now I can say it, I know it’s true. It’s hard to hear sometimes but its true. 

So for now until anything changes I am not going to think differently, I am going to try and remain focused and positive. Of course there will be days when I don’t feel happy or confident that it will be ok – but I will get through those days as I have been and take them one step at a time. For like everything in life that’s all we can do. But there is a rainbow in sight and I’m am not the type of person that will give up without a fight and believe me I am fighting so hard right now. 

After all everything has to be ok in the end, because if it’s not ok then it’s not the end… 


I didn’t believe the first 10 cheapy tests I did so I went and got an expensive one just to make sure!!! 

Jen X 

First blog post #1

Published on by bettydora19 Comments

For so long I have wanted to write my own blog, I have never had the confidence to do it, there’s not much I have to say that people would be interested in reading. I spent much time procrastinating over what I would write about: what would people want to hear? What would they want to know about me that they would want to click and read what I had written? Never in a million years did I think this would be the subject of the illustrious ‘blog’ I never thought I would be penning what has happened to me, to my family in the last few months – its not particularly interesting, its morbid more than anything, sad, upsetting, unnerving but its true and its what happened and with a head full of thoughts I suppose this point is as good as any to start. I promise it wont all be doom and gloom I don’t know where I will go with this I may write this and nothing more, but I want to write it all the same and I hope you want to read it.

My name is Jen, I live in Bournemouth with my wonderful husband, and I have two children. My beautiful son is here very much living, gorgeous, witty, funny, confident, loud and caring, my daughter lives among the stars, she too is beautiful but I don’t know much else about her, I don’t know the colour of her eyes, the sound of her laugh or her cry. She was born but she never lived.

Betty Dora, our darling daughter was stillborn at 40 weeks and 3 days. Today exactly 7 months have passed since her due date; 13 ‘unlucky for some’, 13 has always been my lucky number. It feels like only yesterday that she came into our lives, yet it feels like she has been gone forever. In fact it almost feels like she never happened at all – everyone moves on (as do we) people tell you it will get easier with time, it does don’t get me wrong. But I still find myself sat in a quiet house when Archie is at school (not that I sit still for long) thinking I should be feeding a baby or changing a nappy. I stand in the playground trying not to look at the other babies, wondering what Betty would look like now, It feels so unfair that out of all the babies born that night I didn’t get to keep mine.

We will never truly know what happened to our little girl it will be forever a mystery, her post mortem came back ‘unexplained’, the worst part of reading the whole report wasn’t even the thought of what they had to do to get to that conclusion but it was the fact that every organ in her body was perfect, there was nothing wrong with her – how can this be? The awful fact is that 50% of all stillbirth cases are indeed ‘unexplained’. One of life’s mysteries I suppose. It seems so unfair that something so perfect, ready to start their life and live, can be taken so cruelly. The pain of loosing a child is possibly one of the worst things that can happen to any parent. Explaining to your son why their sister is never coming back from heaven is heart breaking, tragic and just damn right unfair. What a godsend that at the age of 4 life is very much what those around you make it and if mummy tells you something, nine times out of ten you listen, process and accept what you are being told. Until the next thing triggers a thought at which point you compose another tear jerking question catching her off guard.

Thank god for our beautiful boy – the dark days in the beginning were made harder and easier all at the same time for having him. Just to have to get up everyday because he was depending on us, he was looking at us for reassurance that everything was going to be ok. It is going to be okay – its life, just right now its not the life we thought we were going to have the life we had dreamed up in our heads, the plans we had made for our expanding family, with 2 children loving each other, fighting with each other, laughing with each other, crying with each other. A family photo that never happened – a bond that was never formed. You will have more children ‘they’ say – we will take even more care of you next time ‘they’ say. What about this time? How can I think of next time? I want the time that just happened, I’ve just had a baby, why would I want to think about having another one now? If my baby was living would you be telling me I can have another one now? I know people try to say the right things – sometimes I feel ok when they test them out on me, sometimes I am screaming in my head “shut – up why have you just said that to me” I never say it to them, I just process and move on.

Loosing our child will not define us, I don’t want to be the mum in the playground ‘that’s baby died’ we wont ever forget what happened to us, we will celebrate a birthday that never has a bouncy little girl in her party dress running around every year, we will wonder what would have been we will always be the family that lost their baby, but we will also be the family that through tremendous heartbreak stuck together, smiled though the tears, laughed and realised it was ok to and moved onwards and upwards never forgetting their beautiful girl who now spends her nights among the stars and her days in the rainbows (maybe cliché but it makes me smile to think this of her) and so this is where we begin…


Jen