It’s been a while since I wrote an awful lot about Betty. I know Vinnie is here and it’s amazing of course to be able to write about him and Archie and my hopes and dreams for my family. But I can’t forget how we got here – after all my blog is named after her, it was born out of her loss so to speak. Betty Dora Burborough, born on the 17th October at 8.30pm weighing 9lb 7oz. I had to write that as I had started to forget things, my worst fear, forgetting. So, as I sat here and thought about my darling it took me back to our last day together. It was a Friday I don’t have a clue what I did that day, all I can remember is how it ended. From 4pm, arriving at the hospital for a scan, they were running late, but she was fine, she was fine then at 4.30pm ish! She was alive and well. We were told she was going to be an estimated weight of 10lb 7oz and there was a lot of fluid around her so we would be booked in that evening for an induction. I had spent so long waiting for her that I was almost in disbelief that in a day or 2 or maybe even that night we would have our little girl.
We did but not in the way we ever imagined.
I never thought we would ever have a daughter – for some reason I had only ever imagined us with boys I was shocked at the 20 week scan when they said she was a girl. I can now whole heartedly say that I don’t think we will ever have another girl. We would like to have a 3rd baby, at the moment I don’t know if I can go through that journey again yet. But I don’t think we will ever have a living daughter, I just don’t think it will happen. I know I have one but she’s not physically here, I don’t know what she would of looked like, what her personality would of been like, I don’t know her, I won’t ever know her.
I have this picture the only picture I have of her still here, the last picture of her alive in my tummy, and then I have this one of her cold, lifeless in my arms, in a way no mother should ever have to hold their child.
I suppose it’s easy to think that like us, when you get your Rainbow it all gets better – don’t get me wrong things feel easier. But some days when your tired, the kids are crying, everyone is ill, your trying to hold everything together for everyone, having lost your baby is the hardest thing, mainly because your mind is so fragile already small things can push you to a point and it’s hard, it all comes back – everything feels hard, the hurt, the pain, the loss comes back it hits you smack in the face either when you know it’s going to happen you feel it or sometimes out of the blue.
Words cannot describe how unbelievably lucky and honoured I feel to be on my motherhood journey again with Vinnie, the one I travelled without Betty to get him was hard, but I am so proud that I did it, I didn’t choose this path but from day one I took a deep breath negated the storm and I found my rainbow. Our life isn’t perfect, we still feel the pain, life is moving, we are living and things are changing for us again. I am happy, excited for what lies ahead. But I will never forget the road I took to get here – maybe one day I will be on it again, I’m not ready yet, but I don’t mind taking it because if we don’t take a chance in life we will never know if what feels impossible is indeed possible. Now I know it is (possible that is) I’m not afraid to take that chance again – but for now I am bobbing along with my beautiful boys, Betty I hope you are following us because without you there would of been no story, no journey, no hope. I know you are there my darling I see you in little things. One day we will all be together again, until that day know we love and miss you our beautiful baby girl. Your spirit shines through in these wonderful boys, your big and little brothers, they will always know you, love you, remember you. My sunshine and my rainbow you get me through everyday 💙
Without hope we would do nothing, without fear we would do everything. I rode the storm with both in mind and I can whole heartedly say it was worth it, it wasn’t easy but nothing worth having ever is…