Fathers Day #15

Father’s Day when you have lost a child or when you don’t have father is probably a day you don’t want or need to be reminded of! I know this year for Scott it will be a hard one just like Mother’s Day was for me, but we also have a lot of good to focus on. But it’s only natural to feel a little sad, it’s a feeling that’s deep down inside that doesn’t go away. Scott has been strong today as always. Having lost his own dad at just 16, he has gone through many a year probably feeling rather crappy on this day. But like we all do when we loose someone we love we learn over time to live without the them however hard it maybe. 

He has become so used to talking about his dad and has had a long time to deal with it, talk of him often comes with happiness, I usually cry when he tells me stories of him, one because I never got to meet him and he tells me what an amazing man he was and two because my husband is such a fantastic person I just feel so sad for him that he had to go through that, like I’m sure many people try but find it hard to comprehend how we feel about loosing Betty and feel our pain, I feel the same for him, I wish he had had more time although I know he is grateful for the years he did get. I suppose it comes down to the fact that no matter how much time we do have we always want more. 

I long to have just had 5 minutes with Betty seeing her breathing, being alive, so I could picture what that was like, the only memory I have is of her lifeless and still, not what I had imagined for our first and last meeting as mother and daughter. But if I had got 5 minutes with her I would of longed for 30 minutes and so on. It’s always human nature to want a little more. But today on Father’s Day I know my husband is a proud father to our 2 beautiful children and a son to a wonderful man who isn’t here but is hopefully looking after our beautiful Betty in heaven. Who knows if there is a heaven but when you need to believe there is something better out there, I have to believe there is somewhere amazing for her as she was just too precious for this earth. A place where all those who couldn’t stay with us are waiting until we meet again. Not everyone believes that but for me it’s comforting to imagine it exists. 

So today I have given my own dad an extra big cuddle as I am so grateful for him and I’m thanking my husband for being an amazing father to our 2 wonderful children, and our beautiful sunshine who doesn’t even know what is waiting on the outside for them yet. I know that everyone who is celebrating Father’s Day today will remember that some are not so lucky, some are trying to remember the last time they did celebrate, it may be too far away now to remember or some may have never got the chance to be a dad or maybe they were but only for a brief moment in time but I’m sure all of those who are thinking of their dads or remembering their children today are grateful for the moment in time they had, have or will have some day. Big love to all the daddies with babies in heaven today just because they aren’t here doesn’t make you any less of a father in fact it makes you that little bit more special.

Especially for my darling Scott who continues to support me, put up with me, carry Archie when he’s too lazy to walk and make us laugh each and every day. Without you life would be nothing. Your dad would be so proud of the father you have become. I know I am. 

Jen 

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