Somewhere over the rainbow… #7

It’s amazing how a thought, a memory, a song can reduce you to tears. I don’t cry half as much as I used to now – I have stopped crying when I go to sleep (I may have the odd tear now and again as usually I have a quick look in on Archie and then a look at my pics of Betty on my phone before I go to bed) but the tears are more happy ones nowadays rather than heavy pools of extreme grief that not even a good cry would shift. (Great progress I think)

The last few days Archie has been talking more about Betty before he goes to sleep, we read his bedtime story and then we have a little chat – we have been planning what we will do for her first birthday this year (he’s obsessed with birthdays at the moment) he has decided she will want a princess cake, but it will be pink so he’s not going to eat any! Ha ha! I suggested we get her some pink balloons and send them up to heaven, he told me that would be a great idea! Even typing this now I can feel the tears coming, the thought of her first birthday without her – a whole year since this nightmare started and we lost a part of our little family. I can’t imagine how I will feel on this day yet but I already know I want it to be special and I want Archie to be involved in celebrating her with us. What are we celebrating tho? That’s its been a year since she left us? I suppose we have to celebrate the fact we met her, she existed and she was ours all be it for a short moment in time. 

Days after she died the midwife came to visit us, she asked me if we had taken Archie in to meet her? I remember thinking at the time are you mental?? Why would you do that to a 4 year old they can’t see a dead body! Then I started to worry that we had made the wrong decision, she was surely more experienced in dealing with families that have gone through this (or maybe we were her first, I don’t know) was I wrong? Did other people let their children meet their dead sibling? As I have mentioned before these things don’t come with a hand book and my biggest concern through all of this was if Archie was ok! I was so worried this would leave him with mental scars in adulthood, I didn’t want it to affect him too much. It wasn’t that I wanted to pretend it didn’t happen, but I didn’t want him to see me or Scott really upset as I knew it would upset him too. How we dealt with this early on was going to have a big impact on the future. We needed to get it right but I can honestly say I felt clueless. 

His school were absolutely amazing, it was so hard for all of us as he had only started in the September and the both of us had only just begun to make friends, I didn’t really know anyone enough to share all of this with – but everyone was so supportive, those who did know me were so caring and kind. The school itself gave Archie one to one sessions with their school councillor which I believe helped no end – she would give us updates on how he was doing. He seemed to take it so well. He understood we didn’t have Betty, he thinks of her as a star. He will often shout out when we are out at night and the starry sky can be seen “There’s Betty” it really is quite lovely. 

One day he randomly asked me when she was coming back from heaven? It stopped me in my tracks – I was driving at the time I could feel the tears coming down my face what do I tell him? I explained she wouldn’t be coming back, he seemed angry “but mummy other friends have their babies why can’t we have ours” I explained that some babies are too special to stay with us, some have to live in heaven, he seemed to accept this. On another occasion he asked me if it was sunny in heaven? Would Betty get wet if it rained? The things he must of been thinking I couldn’t imagine. I think he is amazing for being such a strong little chap, even tho he doesn’t even know it – maybe he will read this one day and realise how proud I am of him.

He asked me the other night if our new baby would have to go ‘up there’ like Betty – this is my biggest fear, I had to lie and say no it will stay with us but the truth is I don’t know if it will stay, I can’t give him that guarantee, but I truly hope and pray we get to keep this one this time. You may be wondering what baby I am referring too! And, I am extremely happy if not incredibly scared to tell you there is a rainbow on its way – I hope we will find our happy ending in October of this year and Archie will get to be the big brother I know he will be so fantastic at being and hopefully we will be able to celebrate Betty’s First Birthday as a family of 4! 
(I wonder if Archie will get a brother or a sister…)

Jen X

8 thoughts on “Somewhere over the rainbow… #7

  1. Jen this is truly moving. Thank you for sharing your most private inner thoughts and feelings with us. I feel very privileged to be able to read this and try to get some idea of the journey you are all on. I’m so happy to hear your wonderful news too! Much love from all of us X X

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  2. Jen, I am crying as I am reading this. This blog will help lots of families going through difficult times, and it makes me appreciate how precious life is, and to enjoy every minute of the time I have with my kids. So thank you for sharing this, and for sharing your wonderful news. 💕 xx

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  3. Hi Jen,
    I lost my baby girl Evelyn full term on 3rd March. One of my friends shared your first post with me and I have read every one since. I don’t have an Archie to pull me through, Evelyn is my only child but I cried when I read that Archie shouted at the stars and said ‘there’s Betty.’ I often look for the brightest star in the sky, for Evelyn. Children are so innocent and I truly believe in what Archie says. This has brought me hope that she is with us.
    You are so strong. I wish you every happiness and all hope that you get your rainbow. Xx

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    1. Claire, I’m so very sorry to hear of your beautiful Evelyn. I can imagine how you are feeling right now. Know that even with or without an Archie the pain is just as raw and I’m sure right now things for you are still very new and sad much of the time (it feels slightly easier for us some months down the line – but it will never go away) In time I hope for you as I mentioned in my post, that the thought or talk of Evelyn as it does with Betty for me now will come more with smiles and happiness for you rather than joy that they existed but sadness they could not stay. I don’t profess to know much about any of this but I am happy you can read our journey and I hope it can provide you with some hope and comfort now and for the months ahead of you. should you ever need to talk to someone (I’m sure you have many friends and family around you for support) but please message me. I would be happy to listen anytime. Our babies are the brightest of the stars up there, I will always look out for them – I hope you can too. Jen X

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  4. Crying tears of happiness for you!!!
    What a special rainbow baby it will be 💫✨🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈

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  5. Jen you are so wonderful and congratulations on your news! I know I haven’t seen you in absolutely ages but I just wanted to say that you are so strong and the best mummy archie could ever dream of having xx his questions are so beautiful and thoughtful. ..he is philosophical and as long as they are talking they are not bottling things up and he wants to tell you all his thoughts. ..five year old are such sponges! Take care and all the best lovely xxx

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