When memories fade and photos are all you have #18

Every day that passes is another day I get older, another day Archie gets taller and another day further to leaving Betty in our past. When you leave hospital without your baby all you have are the memories you hold in your head (which lets face it at that point are pretty messed up) and a handful of photos and small mementos that right now just don’t seem enough. But they are my most precious possessions.

The weekend marked 9 months since our beautiful girl came and went in the blink of an eye. I really do miss her. Every day I wake up and the first thing I think about is her. I long to hold her, cuddle her, be her mummy. It really is just such a sad deep harrowing feeling that some days is easier to accept than others. With each day passing as sunshine grows and gets stronger, I have to find every bit of courage I have inside to not think about the fact that I won’t have to live without them. I pray I don’t, I don’t know how I will cope if life gets any crueler for us. I have to push the thoughts away but it’s so hard. 

This year feels like de ja vu to me. I am after all only 2 weeks behind in this pregnancy than I was with Betty and I’m scared. Scared to make plans with people I meet that are pregnant or friends who are due the same time as me, I think that once again they will get their babies and I will be left empty handed. I don’t think anyone can comprehend how much energy it takes to walk into a room, a playground, a coffee shop when there is a baby there after you have lost one. Even after the months pass, it is still hard, I didn’t break a nail I LOST MY BABY, she died! People who have no concept of this or a pure disregard for it are quite frankly abysmal. Fortunately not many will ever have to experience such a tragedy. How do you measure the amount of ‘time’ it should take you to feel ‘OK’ to mix with those who have the thing you lost? The answer to this is there is in fact no answer. How long is a piece of string? 

I like to think I have done extremely well on this front – in the first few months I didn’t openly choose to surround myself with other people’s new babies but if I found myself in that situation even tho I panicked inside I rose above it, I held my head high and I did it, I was in their company. Now I have certain babies that I feel comfortable with, I still struggle with new babies and if they are girls I also find this even harder – but I’m ok, I don’t have a choice. I don’t intentionally put myself in situations where I know I may feel upset (why would I) why would anyone expect me to! I won’t go to the group counselling meetings for the pure reason that I am so worried I will upset someone else who has encountered a loss more recently than me – why on earth would they want to sit next to a fat pregnant woman (me) it would be the last thing they would want to do (I know it would be me) I constantly try to think of others. Sometimes it’s a shame others don’t always think of you, but perhaps more than often they are too wrapped up in their own lives to do so. (And let’s face it why should they) but I am also learning to be selfish now. I am trying to think of myself more for a change. Focusing closely to home and not much further. Not only because I am so busy working and looking after Archie I don’t have much time to spread myself any thinner, but also because you quickly see when something like this is put upon you who is true, It is such an eye opener. And when you are fragile it is vital that you immerse yourself in the company of those who make you feel good about yourself, bring positivity because it’s hard enough as it is without having to help everyone else around you. 

I digress from my initial point, when the memories fade, because they do – Betty will remain in my heart forever but my head struggles to process all of my memories of her right now, I know there are so many more things I want to know about her that I never thought to look at. I can’t easily remember what it felt like to touch her skin, what her hair felt like, my mementos that I keep in a little cardboard box don’t seem enough, my photos are not plentiful enough. If only I had known what her fate would be I could of planned better. My darling girl, you are never far from my mind, but I don’t get ‘signs’ you are there – I can only hope that our Sunshine is the one true sign you sent to show us that our hearts can mend a little and that your beautiful face can be seen in theirs – they will never replace you, they will be their own member of our family just like you – but right now we need something good to come out of all the pain of loosing you. We need our rainbow, I hope that day will come soon. 

Until then if you are watching please don’t let anything happen to our Sunshine. Betty Dora Burborough, you are my sunshine, my precious sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey you’ll never know darling just how much I love you, I will never know why you couldn’t stay. 

Jen 

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