This evening I managed to escape the house for just over an hour of peace and quiet. I love my beauties to pieces but it’s been another full on week and Scott had his work xmas party last night and he doesn’t work in Bournemouth so he stayed in a hotel last night and didn’t get back until late this avo and I was already at a birthday party with Archie (and Vinnie of course) it actually turned out to be fine with both of them. I know Archie fends for himself really but sometimes I find things like that quite tricky on my own. Luckily anything I have done so far there is always a lovely mummy friend on hand to help with anything!
Anyway.. so after returning to a hungover daddy I fed Vinnie and left the boys to pop to the supermarket – I know it’s weird that going to the supermarket on your own is heaven! But Sainsbury’s have some AMAZING Christmas clothes etc and I spent an hour or so in there browsing every aisle! Woo hoo! And I got the most amazing Christmas hat for Archie’s Xmas hat day at school! Pic will follow in coming weeks of him wearing it! Although because we will probably laugh when he puts it on I expect he will refuse to wear it as he hates it if people laugh at him!
I also got the boys their Christmas pjs and I managed to get them almost identical! These will be delivered by our Elf in the next couple of days so that they actually get a chance to wear them a couple of times in the lead up to the big day. I always do a Christmas Eve box for Archie and put pjs in, but I’m not sure why I’ve done that as really Christmas Eve is too late to get them as once Christmas has passed it seems a bit silly to wear them! I tried to get our Christmas tree on the way home, we get it from one of our local pubs but they weren’t there – to be honest I don’t blame them as it’s so cold this evening. So I will go out in the morning, Scott would go but I won’t let him as I have serious tree OCD so if he came home with the wrong shape/height I would be in a serious grump!
My journey home from tree mission saw me drive passed the crematorium where Betty is, it was so strange as the gates were all locked up (I think if they had been open I would of popped to see her) soon as I passed I felt myself start to cry – I stared to think of her and I felt guilty. I haven’t thought of her as much as I usually do lately, I feel bad to say that. Things have been so hectic with Archie and Vinnie my time has been so consumed with both of them and it’s good because when I was pregnant I had so much time to think and all I could think about was if Vinnie would meet the same end as her it almost consumed me. Now I am consumed by my boys which is amazing but when I stop and think about her again I can’t help but feel that guilt for not giving her as much of my head space.
I know I have to move forward and to be honest it’s nice to have a break from all the feelings of the last year. I love my baby girl so much but I have to enjoy my boys because they are my everything. When I got home Scott was laid on the sofa with both of them asleep on him it melted my heart and made me feel so happy to have them but sad that she isn’t here to share the fun. We are moving forward as a family, but every step, every day leaves her a bit further in our past. Such a hard and sad thing to have to do. I know we have to, the hardest thing is having to deal with a decision you didn’t make for yourself. I couldn’t imagine our life now without Vinnie or Betty I don’t regret either of them, but I just wish we could of kept them both. But I am so thankful we have our baby boy and not a day will pass when I won’t plant a kiss on his beautiful face and think of my gorgeous girl. Tomorrow we will put our tree up and her ornament will take pride of place on it so that not a day goes by this festive season that we don’t think of her and try to smile and remember how truly lucky we are.