Sunshine… #11

So the title is ‘sunshine’ I am in fact referring to all this amazing weather we have been having this week and not my little (actually it’s quite a big) baby bump! Ha ha! However I can’t help but think of our own little sunshine right now! 

I have to say that personally I think there is no better tonic than that of the sun! It makes the shittest of days feel good (not that I’m having a crappy day) just a normal one, I went to work, met a friend for coffee, then another friend then picked Archie up from his dance class, cooked dinner, etc! Mundane but just everyday life.. Good days come so much more frequently to me now and when the sun is shining it just puts me in such a better mood!

Having had Archie at the end of March so being a spring/summer baby! I was looking forward to having a winter one this time with Betty. I looked forward to cold rainy days snuggled up with my little baby, chilly school runs with her wrapped in a hundred layers and cold family walks, with pics of our red cheeked little munchkins. Of course this didn’t happen instead the dreary days seemed just that.. dreary and depressing, I wondered if they were a reflection of my mood at the time and as the leaves of Autumn fell from the trees to reveal bare, sad looking surroundings it just made me think of myself and my own mood/feelings! There was nothing exciting or magical about the Autumn/Winter it was all one big fat pile of poo! 

But to be honest that doesn’t mean to say if you loose a baby in the summer you will still manage to remain happy because the sun is shining – far from it! You would just Infact hate the fact the sun is shining even more because you couldn’t think of anything worse than sitting out and enjoying it! Not that the winter for me even meant I could stay in and wallow in my own self pity, I couldn’t and actually I wouldn’t let myself (don’t get me wrong every now and again a good wallow and even more importantly a cry) is soothing for the soul! You get it out of your system and then feel a bit more balanced for a while – well in my opinion you do. But with the arrival of the winter and after what felt an eternity the spring (which is by far one of my favourite seasons) it reminded me how quickly things change. 

Now why am I harping on about the seasons? I quite possibly sound mental! Well.. for me in a reflective sort of way the arrival of them with time reminded actually how quickly time moves on, you have to embrace what you are going through at that point in your life and face it head on even tho more often than not it can be scary and not something we want to change or do, along with it come the harder days and then the mundane days which move time along but then you get to a point where summer comes and you look back at the other seasons and realise how things have changed so much in that time but now you have little things to enjoy, warm evenings, colourful flowers sprouting everywhere, lush green trees, bright mornings, less rain (we can hope) the occasional storm will fall but the worst is behind you and now you can in fact just enjoy the SUNSHINE.

Jen X

Feeling complete… #10

On Friday we had the 20 week scan of our little rainbow – Archie has now nicknamed it Sunshine! I didn’t want it to have a nickname as I was worried about it but I feel that we just have to go with it and it’s something he wanted to do, so I think it’s nice for him to have that involement! We did find out what we are going to have! Exciting! But I’m not going to reveal thatjust yet.. 

Having this next baby got me thinking about our family, we have always said we would like 3 children – once this one arrives we will have 3 but obviously we don’t have Betty here with us. It’s strange as I started to think about when your family feels ‘complete’ I have friends who have had all their children I should really ask them this question – once you’ve had the amount of children you envisaged you would have does your family feel complete? 

I had this vision before we lost Betty that once we had a son and a daughter we would either go on to have a third or as we had one of each we would perhaps stop at 2 but I felt that we would know once she was here how we would feel! Obviously for us it didn’t happen so we are back to square one with only our lovely Archie, just the 3 of us. But I can’t help that think no matter how many children we go on to have now will we ever get that feeling? Will our family ever feel complete? And if families do get that, then surely it’s just never going to be possible for us because we will always have someone missing?

It’s a sobering thought not one I think needs to be dwelled on too much, but it’s like when you only have 1 child and people always ask the question will you have more? I will NEVER ask anyone that question again – after what has happened to us I just feel that if someone has 1 child why is that not enough for people? Why do they always ask do you want more? As if you should, maybe we don’t want another (of course in our case we do) but some may only set out to have one and how great is that! We should never be made to feel inadequate with such a simple question but it’s easily done and of course people are not saying it to offend or be malicious. Just like when people ask me if ‘I’m hoping for a girl’ but I have to say (and please don’t be offended if you have already asked me) but no of course I’m not hoping for a bloody girl, I am in fact hoping for a baby that is 1. Alive and 2. Heathy. Boy or girl it will be loved so much it doesn’t matter what it is. 

When you start the journey for a family wether it’s 1 or 10 kids – you don’t really say what you want because you know it’s 50/50! Surely if you wanted to pick what you wanted you wouldn’t bother at all because it’s never a guarantee. But at the end of the day they are your babies and it doesn’t matter what sex they are, they are a part of you and your other half, a representation of a bit of both of you of the love you have for eachother and you are always so happy to have that beautiful child why does it matter if they are a boy or a girl. However it seems to be such a focus for people, I know it’s only normal for people to ask questions like that – I suppose sometimes you don’t really know what to ask and thats the first thing that comes into your head! I’m sure I have done it to people/friends numerous times before. 

Now I really think differently tho – it comes back to one of my other blog posts, that question of is this your first?? I still constantly want to say to people no it’s my third, I want people to know that I have carried two babies to the end, given birth to them, named them, mapped out their lives in my head. But only Archie is ‘living our dream’ right now. I am so grateful for him and to be honest if we never had another child then we had Betty and we have him and I would be content but I would always wonder. I want him to be a big brother – I pray he can be the amazing big brother to our beautiful sunshine, he is so caring, so loving, I just know he would be amazing I want him to have that opportunity in life, that was one of the things I have always envisaged for him. 

I can’t wait for the blog post that can read… Meet sunshine and a picture of our two beautiful children one smiling proudly the other probably asleep looking like a wrinkly little alien. Like every family out there – we all deserve to have that chance, to get the family we desire, no one should ever have to experience the loss of a child. But those who do, maybe we are chosen because we are strong, even if we don’t feel like it at times, it’s not easy (but let’s face it life never is) but it means when we get our rainbows we can love them that little bit more, and if we never get them we can be thankful for our babies in heaven because we feel just as much love for them as we would if they were here with us everyday, it just hurts that little bit more. 

A little skelton looking sunshine 

Jen X