I never imagined I would have a daughter but the moment I was told you were a girl I had our whole lives mapped out. The adventures, outfits, the bedroom, the hair styles, everything.
It’s been a while my darling. A while since mummy wrote her thoughts about you. Being the worrier that I am, I worry that people will think because I’m not talking about you I’m not thinking about you. I want you to know this couldn’t be further from the truth. From the minute I wake in the morning to the minute I go to bed you are in my thoughts, like your brothers I am thinking of you all the time, but in other ways, you aren’t loosing your school shoes or having a paddy over a prawn cracker, but if you were here I’m sure you would be – I wish you were. Know that every night before I close my eyes I look at your hand holding daddy’s in the picture we have by our bed and I think of you my love, I remember your perfect little face and your jet black hair and I can still feel your squidgy body in my arms.
Time moves so quickly, the time we have spent apart is so much longer than the time we had together – although that was never going to be difficult. But the love we have for you continues to grow everyday. The thought of the lifetime god willing I have ahead of me without you is still scary. I know you are gone, but I will never fully accept what happened to you, to our family. There will always be unanswered questions, the what ifs. These are the hardest to swallow, there isn’t a day that passes that I don’t question what I could/should of done differently. I don’t find comfort in knowing it wasn’t my fault because let’s face it although I wasn’t directly responsible if we look at all the events leading up to that day If I had made different decisions you could be here, but we will never know.
I need you to know that even tho now our grief isn’t all consuming like it was in the beginning and I don’t cry as much as before it doesn’t mean we don’t miss or love you any less. Often the feeling of guilt that straddles a feeling of excitement or happiness feels so awful I wonder if I should feel it at all. I hope you know we wish more than anything that you were here with us, I thought about you on many occasions last weekend as we celebrated your little brothers birthday what would be if you had of been here. Vinnie loves LOL dolls – I bet you would of too, I wonder if you would of laid on the rug in the lounge on your tummies together playing, doing all the American accents like he watches on You Tube or would you argue and fight like him and Archie do! Or would you be the balance in between that boy sandwich! I often think of you in this house along with Archie and Vinnie, thinking about the three of you here with me is just so heartbreakingly sad, I wish you were here my darling, I wish you could of had all your brothers have and more.
I can picture the 3 of you in matching pyjamas at Christmas and I feel so sad to know you will never be in the photo. We still talk about you so much, Vinnie can say your name now, when I ask him where you are he says you are at a party. I hope where ever you are you’re having fun. I still don’t know if I believe in heaven but I like to think of you somewhere where only love exists, where the pain of loss and heartbreak can never reach you.
As your birthday arrives this year, the 4th one without you I promise we will keep your memory alive. Where we live now the stars are so clear and bright. From the very first moment I told Archie where you had gone he told me you were a star and even now when we look up he always looks for you, we all do and always will.
As life after loss continues and our journey and story grows there is one thing that will never change and that is that you were here. I always say I would do it all over again just to hold you and I would, even if the outcome was to be the same. When we had Vinnie we had no guarantees he would arrive to us safely but I believe you helped us with that.
I hope you are watching, I hope you are happy and I hope you feel the love we have for you today and always. Mummy has made so many friends since you left many who have babies in heaven with you, I hope you are all together and feel nothing but love and happiness. It provides a comfort to know you are somewhere, somewhere safe and with those who leave us here and arrive to look after you, this birthday you have your great granny Gi Gi with you. Please keep shining we love you so very much and you are with mummy everywhere I go.
I will never understand why we couldn’t keep you but I’m so lucky that I held you for that small moment in time. Tonight the sky will light up for you and all your friends in a wave of light. You are all so loved.
My beautiful little girl forever our daughter, our baby, our Betty