First blog post #1

For so long I have wanted to write my own blog, I have never had the confidence to do it, there’s not much I have to say that people would be interested in reading. I spent much time procrastinating over what I would write about: what would people want to hear? What would they want to know about me that they would want to click and read what I had written? Never in a million years did I think this would be the subject of the illustrious ‘blog’ I never thought I would be penning what has happened to me, to my family in the last few months – its not particularly interesting, its morbid more than anything, sad, upsetting, unnerving but its true and its what happened and with a head full of thoughts I suppose this point is as good as any to start. I promise it wont all be doom and gloom I don’t know where I will go with this I may write this and nothing more, but I want to write it all the same and I hope you want to read it.

My name is Jen, I live in Bournemouth with my wonderful husband, and I have two children. My beautiful son is here very much living, gorgeous, witty, funny, confident, loud and caring, my daughter lives among the stars, she too is beautiful but I don’t know much else about her, I don’t know the colour of her eyes, the sound of her laugh or her cry. She was born but she never lived.

Betty Dora, our darling daughter was stillborn at 40 weeks and 3 days. Today exactly 7 months have passed since her due date; 13 ‘unlucky for some’, 13 has always been my lucky number. It feels like only yesterday that she came into our lives, yet it feels like she has been gone forever. In fact it almost feels like she never happened at all – everyone moves on (as do we) people tell you it will get easier with time, it does don’t get me wrong. But I still find myself sat in a quiet house when Archie is at school (not that I sit still for long) thinking I should be feeding a baby or changing a nappy. I stand in the playground trying not to look at the other babies, wondering what Betty would look like now, It feels so unfair that out of all the babies born that night I didn’t get to keep mine.

We will never truly know what happened to our little girl it will be forever a mystery, her post mortem came back ‘unexplained’, the worst part of reading the whole report wasn’t even the thought of what they had to do to get to that conclusion but it was the fact that every organ in her body was perfect, there was nothing wrong with her – how can this be? The awful fact is that 50% of all stillbirth cases are indeed ‘unexplained’. One of life’s mysteries I suppose. It seems so unfair that something so perfect, ready to start their life and live, can be taken so cruelly. The pain of loosing a child is possibly one of the worst things that can happen to any parent. Explaining to your son why their sister is never coming back from heaven is heart breaking, tragic and just damn right unfair. What a godsend that at the age of 4 life is very much what those around you make it and if mummy tells you something, nine times out of ten you listen, process and accept what you are being told. Until the next thing triggers a thought at which point you compose another tear jerking question catching her off guard.

Thank god for our beautiful boy – the dark days in the beginning were made harder and easier all at the same time for having him. Just to have to get up everyday because he was depending on us, he was looking at us for reassurance that everything was going to be ok. It is going to be okay – its life, just right now its not the life we thought we were going to have the life we had dreamed up in our heads, the plans we had made for our expanding family, with 2 children loving each other, fighting with each other, laughing with each other, crying with each other. A family photo that never happened – a bond that was never formed. You will have more children ‘they’ say – we will take even more care of you next time ‘they’ say. What about this time? How can I think of next time? I want the time that just happened, I’ve just had a baby, why would I want to think about having another one now? If my baby was living would you be telling me I can have another one now? I know people try to say the right things – sometimes I feel ok when they test them out on me, sometimes I am screaming in my head “shut – up why have you just said that to me” I never say it to them, I just process and move on.

Loosing our child will not define us, I don’t want to be the mum in the playground ‘that’s baby died’ we wont ever forget what happened to us, we will celebrate a birthday that never has a bouncy little girl in her party dress running around every year, we will wonder what would have been we will always be the family that lost their baby, but we will also be the family that through tremendous heartbreak stuck together, smiled though the tears, laughed and realised it was ok to and moved onwards and upwards never forgetting their beautiful girl who now spends her nights among the stars and her days in the rainbows (maybe cliché but it makes me smile to think this of her) and so this is where we begin…


Jen

19 thoughts on “First blog post #1

  1. My beautiful wonderful brave and inspirational friend! I am truly honoured to have you in my life, I will never forget the day I met your beautiful daughter longing she would wake up and my best friend and her loving husband would be ok. You inspire me everyday to get over my bad self and be a better human being because if you a kind wonderful caring and giving person can survive this I can survive anything I love you so much xxxx Amy

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  2. I know you through a friend,,,,no one should have to go through what you and your family have…but what a brave, amazing lady to show to others that will have/have already gone through this dark time. You are inspirational my lovely,,,,,your angel baby will be fluttering above you bursting with pride! Much love and admiration xxxx

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  3. Jen, it made me cry. Keep on writing, and I hope it helps you. For those of us who have never gone through such pain and heartbreaking loss, maybe it helps us realise how lucky we have been with our own families and be more thankful and grateful for what we have. Your words are beautiful. Lots of love. Mandy xx

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  4. I saw this link via a mutual friend.

    I’m terribly sorry for and saddened by your loss. How you have to deal with the pain every hour and every day.

    For me, this brings back painful memories but ones that I relive over and over again, so that we don’t forget our beloved one. How beautifully you share your own agony, no doubt that those who have escaped such an experience can feel how devastating it is. Please know that you are not alone, although I know it will bring you no comfort to know this has happened before, and tragically, it will happen again. He would have been 16 now but he came and went the same day. One single date that held so much promise but turned out to be the start of a living nightmare.

    He has siblings now, but he remains the firstborn. They too would have fought and pushed and loved each other in equal measure.

    For all our babies playing amongst the stars, I hope they play together.

    Thank you for writing x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Annie, thank you for sharing your son, I am certain he is and always has been watching over his siblings and mum with much pride and care. It brings comfort to know our lovely babies are not alone up there. Take care and thank you for taking the time to comment. x

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  5. Jen, it takes true courage to put down in words the feelings you have in your heart. You are brave and courageous and Betty will always be with you and if she could let you know, I’m sure she would say what an amazing Mummy you are! Your Mum is my best friend, the strongest, most loving woman I know, qualities you have inherited. Thank you for sharing your feelings, and much love to you all. 💕

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  6. Jen, you are a very brave lady to share your story so that other parents going through the same experience can see they are not alone. People who love you as so many do, feel your pain and pray that with each day you will get stronger and the pain lessens .

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  7. Such a beautiful blog Jen how brave you have needed to be and I have wept for the sorrow you are going through. Maybe writing it down may help the healing of your heart and mind and body. I pray so for you . I am Eve’s mum x x x

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  8. What a brave lady you are. Thank you for sharing your incredibly touching journey with us all. I hope it helps as part of your own healing process as well as comforting others whose angels were also too beautiful of earth. I will be thinking of you and your family x

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  9. Thank you for sharing your blog Jen- it’s courageous and beautiful and so so moving. I am in awe of the strength you have found to deal with this tragedy, but so sad that you have had to do so. Keep writing. Sending all my love, Jules x

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  10. So beautifully written Jen… My heart breaks for you and your lovely family. You are so brave and inspiring and your brilliant eloquent words will touch somany hearts. Keep writing and shining- thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and heart for us to read. Love you lots xxx

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  11. I just want to say that although my situation is quite different to yours, I can relate to you so much and it is somehow comforting to read your courageous blog. I suffered a huge loss which is so distant now. It is true to say that you never really get over it and every now and then it can still bring me to tears and catch me off guard. However the pain goes numb over time, not in a way you forget but in a way that it makes you happy when you imagine them, rather than helpless. It becomes a big big part of who you are, but in an incredibly empowering and strong way. I think the hardest part of it all is not knowing the personality, thinking of all of the potential.

    I love that you write openly and honestly, no pretence, no judgement, no inhibition. Its great, refreshing and inspiring. You are writing what probably many are scared to.

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    1. Thank you so much, what you say is so true. It is very hard to explain if you havn’t gone through it yourself. But time is most certainly a great healer – it is amazing how quickly we adapt to things that happen to us. If I can be of help to just one person I will be happy. Thank you again.

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  12. Our darling Jen . We are so very proud of you to be able to share your feelings with so many people to try and help others that’s you always thinking about others before yourself . Our darling Betty will nether be forgotten we were so blessed to have held her in our arms and to have been so lucky to say our goodbyes .I close my eyes at night and see her as if it was yesterday .THe pain will never go away but time will heal us all ,Having our darling Archie makes it so much easier to bear . God bless her and keep her safe forever .xxxmum& Dad

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