When people say they are sorry but it’s not enough…#13

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When Betty died, I know how much everyone’s hearts ached for us – at first I was sad, then I felt numb, then the anger came, then the blame, then the sadness, then the anger again, then I began to realise I had to accept it, it wasn’t going to change. BUT I WANTED HER BACK. But no matter how many times people said, I’m so sorry or they cried for me/with me I just wished they could help me to change what had happened. They couldn’t. There was no bringing her back. EVER. She was gone. I hated that. 

Deep down I just thought they were all just happy it wasn’t them, it began to feel like the only people I could turn to were the ones who had had it happen to them. But there weren’t many that I knew. Who do you turn to? What do you do? The worst thing was it felt like this was going to be just the start of our fight for Betty, it was, it still is. We have a long way to go before I will ever accept what happened to us was an accident. It wasn’t. I will not accept that. Sometimes things do happen – the consultant providing us with the investigation results said it was ‘a tragic accident’. Maybe. Maybe not. She died in October we then had to spend 3 long months waiting to find out the results of her post mortem. It was inconclusive. No answers, just so many more questions. The ones we had spent all that time going over and over were still there, but this time there were more to accompany them. 

I don’t know if I will ever be able to accept that – I am having to fight hard not to think about it, yet I know I have to because it doesn’t help things to dwell on negativity but sometimes you have to. Sometimes it feels like there is no other way and sometimes you need to go through that to help yourself. I think I do. I can honestly say I don’t think there is a day that has gone by since October 17th 2015 that I havn’t thought about what happened to Betty, thought about an area of the investigation in to her death, the night she died, the week leading up to it. In fact it brought into question my whole pregnancy, what did I miss – I would get a sign if my baby was going to die, I would know, I would see it coming, I didn’t, it hit me so hard, I think I might actually still be in shock! Did that actually happen to me? To my family? 

A recent report published by the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists, ‘Each Baby Counts’ (first report) (https://www.rcog.org.uk/en/news/press-release-over-a-quarter-of-local-investigations-into-stillbirths-neonatal-deaths-and-severe-brain-injuries-are-not-good-enough-says-rcog-report/) has given me more insight and made me realise what I already suspected, that our case was not investigated comprehensively. In my opinion, an investigation after a child has died should be conducted by an external team – it should in no way involve members of staff who had colleagues directly or indirectly involved in the care of a patient who died whilst under the hospitals care, in our case Betty. I cannot and will not accept that my child’s death was ‘a tragic accident’. There were factors that contributed and people were, in my opinion, until I can be shown otherwise, complacent and haphazard when it came to our care. Guidelines are there for a reason, if they are not being adhered to then there is a level of negligence, surely that is clear cut. 

I do not want others to go through what we went through. I know they will, but I want to do my best to prevent other families receiving the poor level of care we did. I want Betty’s case to be used as an example in the hospital to remind people to follow procedure and more importantly the ‘NICE’ guidelines. In 2016 it is not acceptable that 11 babies die a day from being stillborn. We should be able to prevent this. What am I going to do? To be honest right now I am not sure – I feel like a small fish swimming in a big ocean and it’s very daunting, I don’t know who I can turn to, but every day I am getting a little bit closer to helping myself and getting justice for Betty. I won’t let this consume our lives but equally I will not give up. She was our baby girl and a mothers love is not one to be reckoned with. 

I know I might sound crazy, bitter, unreasonable. But, at the end of the day I lost someone I love and if we can’t fight for the ones we love then what is there left to fight for?

Jen 

Legoland… #12

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Archie had a staff training day Friday so we took the opportunity to go to Legoland without the crowds. It was a great day and there were no queues at all which is great when you are out with an impatient 5 year old! We did the same trip last year for Archie’s 4th birthday when I had Betty in my tum! This time we hadSunshine – I’m just hoping that next time we go we will take our two lovely children (fingers crossed) last year we spent a lot of time queueing, getting to the front then walking back through said queue after Archie decided he didn’t like the look of the ride! 

We used our good old Tesco vouchers – which make it so much more doable because I have to admit that at £49 each, it’s just not really affordable for us. Hubby took the day off work as I wasn’t sure how many rides I would be able to go on! Lucky he did as the majority said ‘not suitable for pregnant women’ I’m sure they have to say that as let’s face it who’s willing to test out something when your pregnant to see if it’s ok! So the 2 boys were well away on the roller coaster, log flume etc! It was nice for them to have some time together aswel, Scott works away in the week so is only home at weekends so our time together is always precious.

My favourite part of the day was seeing all the oversized Lego characters! I have to say I think I love Lego just as much as Archie! And having been to America (Disneyland) together before we had children it reminded me of meeting all the characters there and posing for pics with them! Our favourite family ride was called Atlantis, an underwater submarine that allows you to see not only marine life but Lego divers and sea gods! Archie loved it and with sharks and ‘nemos’ swimming right past the sub window it was a fab experience.

An excited Archie…

We took a picnic lunch, which was great as it meant we could just plonk ourselves down and re-fuel quickly whilst Archie watched a show of the three little pigs and ate his lunch standing! In fact he had scoffed a tub of popcorn walking round for most the morning so he didn’t eat much lunch! I’m not really one that worries about things like that – it’s always nice to just go with the flow on days out and he just grazed through the day so there was no chance of him starving! 

We spent a full day there and had decided we would stay over night nearby so had a hotel booked for the night, nothing fancy just the Holiday Express but it meant after a long day walking round we only had a 10 minute car journey and a nice trip to Pizza Express for tea to look forward to (also courtesy of our Tesco vouchers) we do most our shopping and get petrol in Tesco so we always seem to accumulate a lot of vouchers! We walked to a local chain and then had a nice walk back to our room, missing the rain that pursued after we got to the restaurant. 

The iPad was out by the time pud arrived…

It was the first time we have been on a day trip and not taken a buggy for Archie! At 5 now he doesn’t need one – but he can be a lazy boy at times so I wasn’t sure how he would get on! But apart from the odd venture up onto dads shoulders he did so well and walked most the day! He was in bed late (I think it was almost 10pm) by the time we finished our dins and got back to our room but in true Archie style after me and Scott had hoped for a lie in he was up at 6.15am! Oopsie! He couldn’t wait to get down for brekkie! But he actually laid in his bed for a couple of hours and watched his iPad meaning we got a few extra hours in bed even if it was accompanied by the odd jump, kick, squeal, meaning it was a broken couple of hours so felt like we too had been up since just gone 6am! 

Our day out even resulted in us getting our last Disney Mini figure!!! And even better, at Legoland they write the name of every figure on the back of the packet! Anyone who collects mini figures will know that generally you have to feel your way though the packs to complete the collection often resulting in doubles! Which at £2.49 each can be a pricey exercise! So basically I wish we had gone there when they first came out! Ha ha! But this collection is fab! I love Disney! And it’s great to have the cute Cheshire Cat now! Archie has proudly lined them up on the shelf in his room – I wonder how long they will stay there! 


Jen 

Sunshine… #11

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So the title is ‘sunshine’ I am in fact referring to all this amazing weather we have been having this week and not my little (actually it’s quite a big) baby bump! Ha ha! However I can’t help but think of our own little sunshine right now! 

I have to say that personally I think there is no better tonic than that of the sun! It makes the shittest of days feel good (not that I’m having a crappy day) just a normal one, I went to work, met a friend for coffee, then another friend then picked Archie up from his dance class, cooked dinner, etc! Mundane but just everyday life.. Good days come so much more frequently to me now and when the sun is shining it just puts me in such a better mood!

Having had Archie at the end of March so being a spring/summer baby! I was looking forward to having a winter one this time with Betty. I looked forward to cold rainy days snuggled up with my little baby, chilly school runs with her wrapped in a hundred layers and cold family walks, with pics of our red cheeked little munchkins. Of course this didn’t happen instead the dreary days seemed just that.. dreary and depressing, I wondered if they were a reflection of my mood at the time and as the leaves of Autumn fell from the trees to reveal bare, sad looking surroundings it just made me think of myself and my own mood/feelings! There was nothing exciting or magical about the Autumn/Winter it was all one big fat pile of poo! 

But to be honest that doesn’t mean to say if you loose a baby in the summer you will still manage to remain happy because the sun is shining – far from it! You would just Infact hate the fact the sun is shining even more because you couldn’t think of anything worse than sitting out and enjoying it! Not that the winter for me even meant I could stay in and wallow in my own self pity, I couldn’t and actually I wouldn’t let myself (don’t get me wrong every now and again a good wallow and even more importantly a cry) is soothing for the soul! You get it out of your system and then feel a bit more balanced for a while – well in my opinion you do. But with the arrival of the winter and after what felt an eternity the spring (which is by far one of my favourite seasons) it reminded me how quickly things change. 

Now why am I harping on about the seasons? I quite possibly sound mental! Well.. for me in a reflective sort of way the arrival of them with time reminded actually how quickly time moves on, you have to embrace what you are going through at that point in your life and face it head on even tho more often than not it can be scary and not something we want to change or do, along with it come the harder days and then the mundane days which move time along but then you get to a point where summer comes and you look back at the other seasons and realise how things have changed so much in that time but now you have little things to enjoy, warm evenings, colourful flowers sprouting everywhere, lush green trees, bright mornings, less rain (we can hope) the occasional storm will fall but the worst is behind you and now you can in fact just enjoy the SUNSHINE.

Jen X

Feeling complete… #10

Published on by bettydora1 Comment

On Friday we had the 20 week scan of our little rainbow – Archie has now nicknamed it Sunshine! I didn’t want it to have a nickname as I was worried about it but I feel that we just have to go with it and it’s something he wanted to do, so I think it’s nice for him to have that involement! We did find out what we are going to have! Exciting! But I’m not going to reveal thatjust yet.. 

Having this next baby got me thinking about our family, we have always said we would like 3 children – once this one arrives we will have 3 but obviously we don’t have Betty here with us. It’s strange as I started to think about when your family feels ‘complete’ I have friends who have had all their children I should really ask them this question – once you’ve had the amount of children you envisaged you would have does your family feel complete? 

I had this vision before we lost Betty that once we had a son and a daughter we would either go on to have a third or as we had one of each we would perhaps stop at 2 but I felt that we would know once she was here how we would feel! Obviously for us it didn’t happen so we are back to square one with only our lovely Archie, just the 3 of us. But I can’t help that think no matter how many children we go on to have now will we ever get that feeling? Will our family ever feel complete? And if families do get that, then surely it’s just never going to be possible for us because we will always have someone missing?

It’s a sobering thought not one I think needs to be dwelled on too much, but it’s like when you only have 1 child and people always ask the question will you have more? I will NEVER ask anyone that question again – after what has happened to us I just feel that if someone has 1 child why is that not enough for people? Why do they always ask do you want more? As if you should, maybe we don’t want another (of course in our case we do) but some may only set out to have one and how great is that! We should never be made to feel inadequate with such a simple question but it’s easily done and of course people are not saying it to offend or be malicious. Just like when people ask me if ‘I’m hoping for a girl’ but I have to say (and please don’t be offended if you have already asked me) but no of course I’m not hoping for a bloody girl, I am in fact hoping for a baby that is 1. Alive and 2. Heathy. Boy or girl it will be loved so much it doesn’t matter what it is. 

When you start the journey for a family wether it’s 1 or 10 kids – you don’t really say what you want because you know it’s 50/50! Surely if you wanted to pick what you wanted you wouldn’t bother at all because it’s never a guarantee. But at the end of the day they are your babies and it doesn’t matter what sex they are, they are a part of you and your other half, a representation of a bit of both of you of the love you have for eachother and you are always so happy to have that beautiful child why does it matter if they are a boy or a girl. However it seems to be such a focus for people, I know it’s only normal for people to ask questions like that – I suppose sometimes you don’t really know what to ask and thats the first thing that comes into your head! I’m sure I have done it to people/friends numerous times before. 

Now I really think differently tho – it comes back to one of my other blog posts, that question of is this your first?? I still constantly want to say to people no it’s my third, I want people to know that I have carried two babies to the end, given birth to them, named them, mapped out their lives in my head. But only Archie is ‘living our dream’ right now. I am so grateful for him and to be honest if we never had another child then we had Betty and we have him and I would be content but I would always wonder. I want him to be a big brother – I pray he can be the amazing big brother to our beautiful sunshine, he is so caring, so loving, I just know he would be amazing I want him to have that opportunity in life, that was one of the things I have always envisaged for him. 

I can’t wait for the blog post that can read… Meet sunshine and a picture of our two beautiful children one smiling proudly the other probably asleep looking like a wrinkly little alien. Like every family out there – we all deserve to have that chance, to get the family we desire, no one should ever have to experience the loss of a child. But those who do, maybe we are chosen because we are strong, even if we don’t feel like it at times, it’s not easy (but let’s face it life never is) but it means when we get our rainbows we can love them that little bit more, and if we never get them we can be thankful for our babies in heaven because we feel just as much love for them as we would if they were here with us everyday, it just hurts that little bit more. 

A little skelton looking sunshine 

Jen X

How did we survive? #9

Published on by bettydora1 Comment

I have been asked this by a few people and it got me thinking about the answer. It’s a BIG question – there is really only a long answer with no end and it’s not the same for everyone. I tried to think about it and put it into words for my situation and the answer in short is I havnt got a clue. But.. If I sit and look back a while I can try. It might be a bit disjointed but I will just go over the weeks/months in short to try and answer the question itself! 

Those first few days after we left Betty in the hospital felt like they went on forever I wanted them to be over, I didn’t like this feeling inside me it was awful, all consuming, it made me feel sad, sick and numb all at the same time. I couldn’t be Archie’s mummy, I wanted to get in a hole and die. But I didn’t want to leave him – I wanted now even more to be the best mum I could be to him. But I didn’t want him to see me like this. But I couldn’t put these emotions away right now, I couldn’t pretend, I couldn’t get out of bed but I had to. He would cry when I didn’t take him to school in morning – he cried so much one morning Scott brought him back in from the car, all he wanted was to sit on my lap and have a cuddle. We cuddled – he stopped crying – ate some of my toast and then he went to school.

‘Google when will I stop feeling this way?’ No answer. 

A few more days passed, the priest called to tell us her body was back from the post mortem we could start planning her funeral – what songs did we want? She didn’t know any songs, I hadn’t sung any to get her back to sleep/calm her down. This is too soon. What colour casket do we want? Do we want her buried or cremated? In my head I’m asking how many times did she wake last night, how many nappies have I changed? In my reality none of this has happened. 

A week pass we finalise songs, Eric Clapton, ‘tears in heaven’ and Stevie Wonder ‘isn’t she lovely’, she will be buried, I can’t bare the thought of her being burnt, white casket, in another weeks time. What flowers do you want? I don’t want flowers they will die – you have to have flowers! We choose a pink and white letter B! I don’t remember the flowers. 

Two weeks pass – I don’t want to go to the funeral. Perhaps I will stay at home. I go. It’s better than I expected. We burry our little baby girl, in the babygrow she was going to come home in. Scott carries her for the last time to where she will rest in the ground her casket is so tiny, the funeral directors have stuck pink butterflies on it. They look tacky – I didn’t ask them to do that. I can’t do anything about it. The priest who blessed her in hospital sends her to her final resting place beautifully and respectfully. I want to go home. I feel better now it’s over. But now I worry she will be cold out there all alone. I push the thought away – it isn’t helping. 

We buried her on the 5th of November – we have a firework and hot dog party for Archie when he finishes school. He doesn’t realise what we did today. I drink more Pinot than I should (I didn’t get drunk tho) I have never been one to drink in those type of situations, but my wine buzz takes the edge off my feelings. 

A month passes, I don’t know where it went. 

Two months we are just carrying on. I still havn’t been to see her. 

Christmas comes, we need to have it for Archie, I am not interested. What is to celebrate? This is not how I had Imagined this Christmas. New Years – sad and thankful it’s over all at the same time, sad we are leaving her in our past not bringing her with us into our future, thankful we have ended the worst year of our lives. Hopeful 2016 will bring better things for us. But grateful she existed.  

Three months, post mortem results, such a long time to wait to get answers. There are none just even more questions. And the questions bring more questions and heartache. People at the hospital didn’t do things they should have. Could our baby have lived? I will ask myself this for the rest of my life. I hope they can live with themselves, we have to, but it’s so hard not to question everyday if I should of done something differently that week/day. I know it’s not my fault but deep down I will always feel guilty. I let my family down. I know it’s not good to think that way but it’s so hard not to. 

We find out we are going to have another baby, I pray we can keep this one, that I will do a good job of being its mummy. Keep growing little one, I am nervous and excited but more scared. We have to get right to the end like we did before but it can’t happen again? It just cannot. 

We continue living things are getting easier – 7 months now, the wounds are healing. We still talk of her, she was here, it’s hard to carry on without her but we have no choice. So the bottom line is I don’t really have an answer to the question – other than you carry on. It’s hard but you can do it. You have to learn to be selfish sometimes, you have to surround yourself with people who make you feel good and can talk when you want to but know it doesn’t need to be the topic of conversation every time you see them. People who don’t creep around you but who you know understand (or try to) don’t be like me and worry about everyone else, worry about yourself and those who are meant to be in your life will still be there when you come out the other side. Laugh, cry, talk but just take in every little moment of your life with a bit more clarity remembering how fragile life is, you will take nothing for granted ever again. You are strong, you are amazing and you can do it – trust me. 


This was my favourite baby grow 💕

Jen X 

Going out of your comfort zone… #8

Published on by bettydora1 Comment

Those who have read my other blog posts will know I’ve never been a ‘big announcement’ person on Facebook! When I found out I was pregnant this time I never thought a few months later I would have started this blog and have announced it in such a way! 

When those 2 lines came up on the test I was shocked, happy, overwhelmed all at the same time! I know how incredibly lucky Scott and I were to be able to get pregnant so quickly – we decided we would try and if it happened it would be a bonus but if it didn’t it would when my body was ready after all I had only had a baby a few months previously (normally this would be the last thing on your mind, getting pregnant again) but for us it was all we could think about. 

After a few days at home after we left Betty in the hospital I said to Scott I want another baby, I had already decided in my mind I didn’t want to wait too long, he felt the same. It felt right and wrong all at the same time. Before Betty in 2013 I had a miscarriage, after that having a baby was the last thing we wanted it shocked us so much, we weren’t expecting it, we just couldn’t think about another. And as a result waited several years before trying for the baby that was Betty! I’m not saying that we weren’t shocked when this happened, we couldn’t have been more shocked to the core, but it was different this time. The seat was in the car, her clothes were washed and in the wardobe, the nappies and wipes were ready in a basket, her Moses basket was by our bed. We came home with no baby just a box with some keepsakes of her and a house full of reminders of the excitement we left just several nights before when we left to go and have our baby. 

I can honestly say this is literally the worst thing we have ever experienced, I pray we will never feel or go through something as devastating in our lifetime (of course we don’t know we may) but coming home to an empty house with all the war wounds of child birth but no baby laid in your arms to make it feel worth while was just mind numbing. I went to bed. I never wanted to get up. But I had to. 

So going back to those 2 lines. We were going to be starting this journey again so soon after going through it with Betty. It was going to be so different this time. To begin with I felt guilty, I worried people would think I was wrong to be having another baby so soon (why was I worried about what they thought?) maybe that’s just me! This baby was/is NEVER going to replace our baby girl but we were ready for her – our family had a space for one more, we need the fourth member of our ‘gang’ as we like to call it. We had to try again. Perhaps this baby could help to heal our broken hearts, fill a quiet house, after all we were prepared with all the kit a baby could ever need! 

All Betty’s things went back in the loft – the hospital bag still packed, I sorted nothing it just needed to go away. I said if we ever had another baby I wouldn’t get anything out until they were here – but as time is progressing this time I am trying to change my attitude to this. I don’t want to not think about this baby so much that it’s almost a shock when it arrives. We can’t go through the pregnancy in fear. We have to embrace Mother Nature, we have been given the gift now and we have to have hope and faith they will arrive safely and come home with us. After all the hospital will look after me so well this time, they don’t want it to happen again! Of course it could, we are now a statistic, once it’s happened to you once you are more at risk. But I am NOT going to make myself go crazy with that thought. 

Which is why this time, for the first time I am doing things differently, I havn’t had any counselling yet but in my own mind this is a sort of therapy for me. As well as my blog, this time I am going to set up the nursery, we actually didn’t even do that with Betty (we were going to wait until she went in her own room around 6 months) but this time we will put the cot up, get all the things we put in the loft back down, wash them, get them ready as we did before with all the hope of bringing any new addition to your family. This time I will put things about being pregnant on my blog, I will write about it, because it’s a big part of our life right now. It would be strange for me to not do it. 

Everyone’s support and messages of encouragement, sadness and love will get me through. I never thought 7 months ago when I sat in the same spot on my sofa where I am now, that I could feel like life was getting better. Back then, even tho it wasn’t that long ago I thought I would never feel normal again, never have the feeling of hope or excitement and more importantly, happiness. And even if I wasn’t pregnant again right now, I would still have those feelings right now at this moment in time. I have a lot to be happy and grateful for and also a lot to be sad and unhappy for but I will not let the latter get the better of me. It is the hand we have been dealt, it is life, we have to keep living it. After all what is the other option? If someone had said that to me months ago I would probably have wanted to punch them in the face! Hee hee! But now I can say it, I know it’s true. It’s hard to hear sometimes but its true. 

So for now until anything changes I am not going to think differently, I am going to try and remain focused and positive. Of course there will be days when I don’t feel happy or confident that it will be ok – but I will get through those days as I have been and take them one step at a time. For like everything in life that’s all we can do. But there is a rainbow in sight and I’m am not the type of person that will give up without a fight and believe me I am fighting so hard right now. 

After all everything has to be ok in the end, because if it’s not ok then it’s not the end… 


I didn’t believe the first 10 cheapy tests I did so I went and got an expensive one just to make sure!!! 

Jen X 

Somewhere over the rainbow… #7

Published on by bettydora8 Comments

It’s amazing how a thought, a memory, a song can reduce you to tears. I don’t cry half as much as I used to now – I have stopped crying when I go to sleep (I may have the odd tear now and again as usually I have a quick look in on Archie and then a look at my pics of Betty on my phone before I go to bed) but the tears are more happy ones nowadays rather than heavy pools of extreme grief that not even a good cry would shift. (Great progress I think)

The last few days Archie has been talking more about Betty before he goes to sleep, we read his bedtime story and then we have a little chat – we have been planning what we will do for her first birthday this year (he’s obsessed with birthdays at the moment) he has decided she will want a princess cake, but it will be pink so he’s not going to eat any! Ha ha! I suggested we get her some pink balloons and send them up to heaven, he told me that would be a great idea! Even typing this now I can feel the tears coming, the thought of her first birthday without her – a whole year since this nightmare started and we lost a part of our little family. I can’t imagine how I will feel on this day yet but I already know I want it to be special and I want Archie to be involved in celebrating her with us. What are we celebrating tho? That’s its been a year since she left us? I suppose we have to celebrate the fact we met her, she existed and she was ours all be it for a short moment in time. 

Days after she died the midwife came to visit us, she asked me if we had taken Archie in to meet her? I remember thinking at the time are you mental?? Why would you do that to a 4 year old they can’t see a dead body! Then I started to worry that we had made the wrong decision, she was surely more experienced in dealing with families that have gone through this (or maybe we were her first, I don’t know) was I wrong? Did other people let their children meet their dead sibling? As I have mentioned before these things don’t come with a hand book and my biggest concern through all of this was if Archie was ok! I was so worried this would leave him with mental scars in adulthood, I didn’t want it to affect him too much. It wasn’t that I wanted to pretend it didn’t happen, but I didn’t want him to see me or Scott really upset as I knew it would upset him too. How we dealt with this early on was going to have a big impact on the future. We needed to get it right but I can honestly say I felt clueless. 

His school were absolutely amazing, it was so hard for all of us as he had only started in the September and the both of us had only just begun to make friends, I didn’t really know anyone enough to share all of this with – but everyone was so supportive, those who did know me were so caring and kind. The school itself gave Archie one to one sessions with their school councillor which I believe helped no end – she would give us updates on how he was doing. He seemed to take it so well. He understood we didn’t have Betty, he thinks of her as a star. He will often shout out when we are out at night and the starry sky can be seen “There’s Betty” it really is quite lovely. 

One day he randomly asked me when she was coming back from heaven? It stopped me in my tracks – I was driving at the time I could feel the tears coming down my face what do I tell him? I explained she wouldn’t be coming back, he seemed angry “but mummy other friends have their babies why can’t we have ours” I explained that some babies are too special to stay with us, some have to live in heaven, he seemed to accept this. On another occasion he asked me if it was sunny in heaven? Would Betty get wet if it rained? The things he must of been thinking I couldn’t imagine. I think he is amazing for being such a strong little chap, even tho he doesn’t even know it – maybe he will read this one day and realise how proud I am of him.

He asked me the other night if our new baby would have to go ‘up there’ like Betty – this is my biggest fear, I had to lie and say no it will stay with us but the truth is I don’t know if it will stay, I can’t give him that guarantee, but I truly hope and pray we get to keep this one this time. You may be wondering what baby I am referring too! And, I am extremely happy if not incredibly scared to tell you there is a rainbow on its way – I hope we will find our happy ending in October of this year and Archie will get to be the big brother I know he will be so fantastic at being and hopefully we will be able to celebrate Betty’s First Birthday as a family of 4! 
(I wonder if Archie will get a brother or a sister…)

Jen X

They never knew you…#6

Published on by bettydora2 Comments

Today has been a funny old day. I decided to have a day to myself doing something nice rather
than working or doing the usual housework etc! This morning I went to yoga (I thought it would be good to have some relaxation time) and then this afternoon I got my hair cut and blow dried! I LOVE a good blow dry! Sounds great doesn’t it… And don’t get me wrong it was! But do you know what, I think it was the first time since Betty died I have done something like that where I have been out in company I didn’t know! Not that I havn’t been out until now or on my own, but I usually meet friends who know me well or only seem to bump into people who aren’t likely to ask me questions! I’m always out and about. But It was the first time (and it happened several times today) that I have been asked by a stranger ‘how many children do you have?’ ‘Do you think you will have anymore?’. I almost hadn’t thought about this happening so I was taken back a bit by the questions, I found myself lying! I told them about Archie and I just said yes we would like more, but I didn’t go into any detail. 

I felt awful as soon as the words left my mouth, why was I hiding Betty? It wasn’t because I am ashamed of her (far from it) I want everyone to know about her – but it’s such a personal thing that I didn’t feel A) the young hairdresser needed to know I have 2 children, but one is dead B) I’m probably going to make her feel bad for asking, how was she to know and she almost certainly wouldn’t have a clue how to react to my response (I know I wouldn’t) well actually I would now, but I wouldn’t have this time last year! And the lady who has just met me for the first time at yoga is definitely just making small talk, it’s not appropriate to bring that up!

In the hairdressers I could hear another woman talking about her new baby, happy, almost smug, so proud of her new baby and the fact she is a new parent, giddy because today is the first time she has left him and that she’s mastered breastfeeding – I was just sat thinking to myself that I’m almost sad I will never have that naivety in pregnancy or after having another child (if it happens) in fact never again. I know we can’t go through life thinking something bad is going to happen, it’s just not the way we are conditioned to think. But I feel like I’ve been robbed of ever enjoying again the lovely feeling of a newborn, I think even if we get another baby I will always be thinking in the back of my mind something might go wrong! But perhaps with time my brain will think differently and I will relax into things! 

So… What do I say now when people ask me the question??? Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh I don’t know! Why am I worried about making other people feel uncomfortable! But it’s that line between if your just having a fleeting conversation with someone I can’t go into what happened to us so why bring it up at all! But does this seem like I’m a bad person for not sharing my gorgeous baby girl! I think it will take me a long time yet to know the answer to this! I think for now I just have to go with what feels right at that moment in time and as long as I know in my heart how loved Betty is she isn’t going to mind if I don’t mention her to random people! Wow! Where’s that handbook to life when you need it… 

 Serious selfie of my new locks (trying to take a quick sneaky pic before anyone walked past the car) ha ha! 

Jen 

School Uniform Longevity… #5

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I don’t want my blog to seem all sad and upsetting, however it’s felt important to try and show people why I set it up in the first place; ultimately it is about Betty. What happened to her was and still is incredibly sad. To be honest everytime I write I think about her, in fact there’s not a day that goes by when I don’t think of her. I love the fact that this blog is giving me a chance to say her name more and people are saying it. We won’t have a home where her name will be called up the stairs to get dressed, share that toy, eat your dinner please. I suppose as time goes on her name will fade into the background, but hopefully through my blog this wont happen. I hope I have created somewhat of an introduction, an understanding to where you find me today – I don’t think I could ever have shared our story until this point in time. Right now other things like sharing her picture still feel so overwhelming I just cant do them. I hope in time I can share her with those who are following and reading intently.

Thank fully much of my day to day life revolves around Archie B! This is where this post finds me, on the subject of school uniform! Another weekend begins and I get the machine loaded up with the previous weeks wear ready for Monday morning (which will creep up before we know it) Since he started school in September I seem to be fighting the loosing battle of the uniform! I don’t know if it’s just me (or Archie) but we seem to be going through items of school clothing like underwear! Did anyone else think when their child started school they would buy a couple of sets of uniform and these would last them for the entire academic year!?

Maybe it is just my son, but so far we are on his fifth! Yes fifth pair of school shoes (will come back to that in a moment) third pack of polo shirts (I originaly brought 2 packs of 2), I’m contemplating wether to buy another pack as all the ones we have including the newer ones either have bolognaise stains on (he only seems to take his jumper off to eat lunch when it is a tomato based meal day – amazing!) Or they have been washed, vanished and tumbled so much they are developing holes and going grey, yes he does completely look like a vagabond child. I have to keep asking the teacher what he has been doing to be getting holes in literally everything in the hope I don’t look like an awful mother sending my child in looking so disheveled! Pairs 1 and 2 of school trousers, by Christmas these had gone through on the knees, I brought 2 new pairs and these are already starting to wear out. I recently brought him some school shorts for the summer term and sure enough his knees are beginning to look like his trousers! This week he had his first tumble and a bit fat purple bruise appeared on one knee! Oopsie!


(Healing nicely now – but he was feeling sorry for himself earlier this week) 

Now going back to the shoes – the shoes are just not standing the test of time one little bit. Unfortunately because Archie is extremely strong willed he would not wear the £50 pair of Clarks shoes on offer, they were ‘too ouchy’, actually they were just a properly fitted pair of shoes in comparison to the Crocs he had lived in all summer. Instead we opted for Next (I personally love next so didn’t really have a problem with getting them from there) but I did wonder if at half the price at £26 they would offer the same quality – well obviously I cant compare them to Clarks because he wouldn’t wear those shoes. Well, we got to November, at which point a large hole appeared in the front toe area! Having kept my receipt, I took them back and they kindly exchanged them for a shiny new pair. I kid you not the first day home after wearing his new pair and we had a scuff the whole width of the front of the shoe! What is this child doing at playtime? Walking on tip toes like a t-rex bearing his full weight down on his poor shoes… I’m still not sure. These shoes made it to January when I was too embarrassed to take another pair back so we opted for Asda, half the price again at £11 this time (maybe I really should have thought about this at the time) but I figured if they are advertising this footwear as ‘school wear’ it had to have some level of durability – surely!? Nope… these made it 6 weeks before a large hole right through to the inside opened up in both shoes! You guessed it… took them back, they exchanged them with no fuss, another shiny new pair. I think we got roughly about another 6 weeks before they went through again (this time even worse) but I couldn’t bring myself to take them back! It was obvious that Master Burborough was having some serious rough and tumble in his shoes. So change of tact, this time we go for good old M&S, we get a real leather pair, £30, 4 weeks in and so far so good, no scuffs or even worse holes! There is hope for the shoes yet! Needless to say come September I think we will be trying out Clarks regardless of protest.


(Check out his sorry looking shoes) 

I’m hoping by the time he starts Year One he will be more mature and just sit quietly at playtime. Yeah right! I wonder what the next school year will have in store for his poor uniform…

Jen 

Positivity… #4

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I wrote this the other day on my travels. I stopped off on the Southbourne overcliff, the sky was clear, the sun was shining and all I could hear were the waves crashing on the sand – bliss. I love the beach – I find it a great place for thinking, there’s something about it that makes you feel happy, I think it has something to do with the feeling of being on holiday when you visit. It does of course depend on who you go with! If I go with Archie it’s generally loud, sandy, wet and slightly chaotic but fun all the same! But today I was alone.. 

For those who know me personally you know that I’m generally a happy, positive, friendly person. Over the last few months I have had to dig deep to find positive thoughts on all aspects of my life. After Betty died apart from Archie (and Scott) it just seemed like I had nothing in me to find positivity in. Yes I know I am extremely lucky to have a healthy son who is happy, a loving husband, a roof over our heads, food on the table – and an array of other things in our lives. But somehow it didn’t seem enough, I wanted and still want Betty. But we can’t have her. Trying to get a positive outlook on life back after something this bad has happened to you is really bloody hard. 

I am very lucky that myself and Scott constantly talk – anyone who knows me will also tell you that I don’t have a problem with talking! Ha ha! And that didn’t change even in light of our situation in fact some days I talk so much about what happened, I become so passionate about the subject that I worry others will think I’m going mad – that I’m getting carried away looking for an answer that isn’t there. Hopefully one day I can share with you what I mean by that.

But getting back to my point about positivity, anyone reading this who is going through a hard time, whatever that maybe, we don’t have to have something as extreme as death happen to us to feel like life is hard. We all have our problems – some more trivial than others but to that person they feel like a big deal and we cannot measure one another’s problems by who has had the worst thing happen to them. 

Sometimes we can think of what has happened to others, like in our case, to put the importance of our own problem into perspective. But sometimes things like that don’t matter when you feel you are going through a tough time, you can’t see anyone’s pain but your own. But, if you can dig deep, take each day as it comes and try to remain positive (even tho at times that is the last thing you feel like doing) in a week, month, year from now you will look back and think WOW! That was tough but I am still standing, I got through it and I can face anything. You may have changed slightly as a person from it but that’s not always a bad thing. The things life throws at us are all lessons that enable us to learn things about ourselves or others that we perhaps couldn’t see before. I have learned who my real friends are, how amazingly strong both our families are and how much they love and care for us. How lucky I am to have a child and that me and Scott can survive anything as long as we have eachother. The rest doesn’t matter – you will never have enough money, you will always want something you don’t have and you are always looking for the next ‘big’ thing to happen, be it good or bad, this is a fact of life. But you are living it and how lucky are we to be here and have the things we have? Sometimes the best thing you can do is focus on what you have and not what you don’t, however hard, painful and unfair that may seem.

Jen