What would you be doing now? #23

In the holidays we spent a lot of time catching up with friends, on one play date Archie made my friends beautiful baby girl (who is a couple of weeks older than Betty laugh) he sat with her and tried to make her giggle, it was so lovely to watch, she watched him intently as he moved around the room – afterwards I thought of how beautiful he would of been with Betty, kind, gentle, like the loving soul he is, protecting his little sis while goofing around and making her laugh and shriek. 

This month marks Betty’s 11 months, is it her birthday? Is it her death? I’m not really sure – do I say she would be 11 months or she is 11 months?? Regardless of that – she has now been gone for longer than she was ever alive. I really have no idea – I have felt so good for so many weeks but this week I feel sad again. Most nights the tears come with thoughts of her, thoughts of sunshine, worries of if they will make it. We are in single figures now – but it feels so far from the end, I am trying to remain calm about it all but inside I am so scared. Scared I will let everyone down, mainly Archie. I don’t want him to be sad again – to have to loose his sibling again. 
I thought I could never be afraid of anything ever again – one of the worst things that could ever happen to me did I have nothing left to fear, but I do, the fear that I know how it feels. I know what could happen and how that feels. 

Everyone tells me it will be ok this time, deep down I feel it will but also at the same time I know it may not be. I don’t want to be another statistic of this awful thing that people rarely talk about – stillbirth. I just want to be in amongst the massive statistic of the thousands of babies that are born healthily everyday. I don’t know what to expect when I go to the hospital – I am nervous to go back to the place that when I last walked out of I was turning my back on my little girl leaving her there all alone, the only place we ever were as a family. The place she died and was born in. I know when/if we leave with Sunshine the memory of the car journey home after we left her will be fresh in my mind, the worst journey of my life I was sick the whole way home having left her there, cold, alone. Not something any parent should have to do. 

I can imagine the joy of taking Sunshine home but also know how the pain will feel if they don’t make it. A pain like no other, just like if you had to choose any of your children to say goodbye to them forever, it’s Indescribable – I never want to feel it again I don’t want anyone to, but I know they will. I want to be selfish and say I hope I don’t. What if I see someone being led to ‘the room’ where they take you if your baby dies, I know how I am going to feel when I get there – I know I am going to hate it, for having a baby for me is no longer the enjoyable experience it once was, until they are alive in my arms I cannot look forward I can only look as far as today and as far back as the 11 months that have gone before me, when I no doubt sat in this same spot feeling my little girl move inside me oblivious to what was going to happen to her.

We had so much to give her, she was going to have the most amazing life like her big brother. But it wasn’t meant for her – she wasn’t able to stay with us. The question why will forever haunt me, I still don’t think there’s a day that goes by that I don’t ask this question or talk about the events leading up to her death! Why? That illusive question, being a mummy to Archie I can usually find an answer to most questions which derive from ‘why?’ But in this instance I absolutely cannot answer, I don’t nor will I ever know why – there are no answers, the hardest thing of all to accept. I am thankful I don’t have some kind of illness that caused it or genetic reason for this tragedy but I wonder if we had a ‘why’ would it make the acceptance of what happened to Betty easier or would it be exactly the same as it feels now? I think that on reflection a reason would provide no additional comfort to the path our lives moved in 11 months ago – as much as I hate the awful saying ‘she just wasn’t meant to be’ she really wasn’t and there is nothing we can do to change it, we must celebrate the fact she was and rejoice that she existed even if for just a brief moment in time in person, but she will live on in our hearts and our family forever more, however hard it is that she is not physically here is to accept we have no choice for she is gone. There is no changing that. 

Grief is a journey to which there is no end – there will never be a time when you can say, right I’m all ok now, It’s all ok. I think it’s easy to think when the next baby comes it will heal – of course it may help (I will have to let you know on that one) but it is easy to forget the one that came before and even now people stop asking how things are as if she never happened. If we stop talking about her it feels like she never existed – but people that have their babies don’t need to talk about them because they have them there as a daily reminder of how lucky and blessed they are. Of course like I’ve spoken about before time is a beautiful healer – but who wants to hear that when they are in the middle of the whirlwind of loss and despair? But I have to say its true. I have experienced it – it takes every ounce of positivity that I have to use that time and think about the future, it is not and will not be easy, I’m still new to this and I know the journey will continue for the rest of our lives. More children will come, life will change, Archie will grow, the seasons will change and our lives move on. 

It’s scary to leave someone you loved so much in your past – acceptance is key, I still don’t accept it all but I am coming to terms with it. I am just very aware that as we get older so does she but not in the physical sense, she will have her birthday a matter of weeks from now – but as much as we will ‘celebrate’ really we are mourning a whole year without her – a whole year where no memories with her in them were made. An empty photo of a family of 3 who should be a 4. A toothy, face full of some kind of purred food grin that will never stare at our camera. The tears come, the thoughts are bittersweet as we are getting the chance to do it all again, with Sunshine, they will be the 4th face in the photo – in her place. People will think that’s ok now we’ve got our baby or maybe they will think we never cared about her because we tried again so soon. 

Why do I worry so much about what people think? I know I do – but why? That question again – why? Another one that can’t really be answered. Who would of thought it could be so unclear, I continue to ask myself this question along with many others today – like why is it so hot? Why don’t they sell a toy in the supermarket that costs a £1 so Archie can spend the money his great granny gave him? Why did he insist on helping me load the shopping on the checkout last week and drop a whole box of eggs? Most I know the answer to. Why did Betty Burborough die? I do not, nor will I ever know. What would she be doing now? I havn’t a clue, I could guess I suppose. Is she loved? This I know, more than anyone could ever imagine.


News Years Resolutions – BACK TO SCHOOL…#22

I’ve said it before, but I will say it again! I can’t believe 7 weeks of summer is over! It’s crazy! I remember thinking how were me and Archie going to fill our 7 weeks – and effortlessly (with lots I still feel we havnt managed) we have done it and we have had a fabulous time together. I can honestly say I have loved having my beautiful little one at home with me, don’t get me wrong at times when he’s on conversation overload I have wanted to put some ear plugs in for 5 mins peace! But that aside I have loved his company and not having to rush around and be in our normal routine. 

As I sit on the eve of the new school year, I am feeling happy to now be returning to our little routine, but also sad to not have my boy around the house everyday (although I will be loving everything being tidy again) ha ha! I can remember how I felt this time last year when he was going to be starting his first day of school, I was feeling nervous, sad and excited all at the same time. This year I have no anxieties for him, I know he is going back to see all his wonderful friends and his school is really quite fabulous! 
It feels a bit like NYE – I have all these ideas in my head for the start of the new school year, things that we get to have a fresh start on for the year ahead, let’s see…

•walk to school everyday

•leave the house on time 

•cook a wholesome meal from scratch everyday for the boys

•do our reading every night

•polish Archies shoes every week! 

I predict that just like most New Years resolutions I will be lucky if I manage all of the above for more than a week! Will keep you posted…

So tonight, as all the children sleep, recharging those batteries for the start of school life again thoughts for me turn to Autumn which as everyone knows I am looking forward to, lots will change for us over the coming weeks, all being well for the better. As always we are all trying to be the best parents we can be – the days come and go and time moves quickly, this was another goal of mine to reach in our Sunshine journey, the countdown is well and truly on now especially as we are in single figures. I am starting to think about wether I should get any baby things out – should I wash the clothes? Get the Moses basket out? Pack my hospital bag? All of which I’m sure I will share if and when I do! 

One way or another things will change for us again soon – I’m continuing to try and stay as positive as possible and believe that we will get to keep our baby this time. But first, time to wave my first babe off to start his journey into Year 1! He is growing up so quickly! I can’t wait to see what the next year has in store for us, I love watching him grow and learn and I know how fortunate I am to have the chance to experience it with him. 

So to all mummies and daddies who will wave their little ones off tomorrow, be it for the start of their school journey or the continuation of one they have already begun, remember those partents who have little ones in heaven who should be embarking on that journey tomorrow but won’t, they are so brave, not because they want to be but because they have to and we should all have an extra kiss in the morning when we say goodbye because we are so fortunate to get that chance. 


Just an ordinary summers day #21

I literally can’t believe the summer holidays are nearly over! I remember a couple of weeks ago thinking what was I going to do with Archie for 7 weeks – now we have 1 1/2 left and I’m wondering where it went! I have to say we havn’t done anything spectacular – but we have had a lovely time together and to be honest it’s just lovely to have him around all day everyday, he’s a real pleasure to have around the house. It’s hard being this pregnant as I feel guilty as I would love us to go out and about everyday but I just don’t have the energy to do it at the moment. He’s been such a good boy tho and seems to have been content with catching up with friends and having time at home playing with his toys and watching films, which he doesn’t get a huge opportunity to do when he’s at school! 

Today we had a day trip to Weymouth Sealife Park, my brother and his girlfriend have this week off so they came with us which was lovely – and it was nice to have the extra pairs of hands and eyes! We had a voucher for 40% off which gave us a brilliant discount getting in (I don’t think it’s overly worth the £23.50 to get in without the discount) but just over £14 each was a good price as there is quite a lot to see and some cute little rides for the kids! They also give you a little booklet to collect stamps as you go round which is a fun thing for the children to do whilst they are looking at each area of the park. There was a brilliant splash zone/paddling bit, although I had his swimming stuff Archie wasn’t really fussed about going there – but if you take a picnic and swim bits on a hot day I think you could easily spend all day there. 
(What 5 year old is a fan of queueing… Definitely not this one) (Archie and his Uncle Tom)

There’s parking just outside which was £6 for 6 hours – I had seen reviews on trip advisor complaining about this but I personally think that sort of price is to be expected, it’s the same if you visit the Oceanarium in Bournemouth you have to park in the public car park which is run by the council so in peak season it’s to be expected! And for almost a whole day I don’t think it’s too bad – it’s not like we do it every day. 
(Not the best light but fab seeing all the fish in the background!)

After the Obligatory end of the trip stop at the gift shop we headed out to the seafront and had a lovely long walk all along the promenade and got some late lunch at a lovely beach cafe. Archie had an ice cream that was almost as big as his head so he was very pleased with that and it kept him quiet for a minute or two! The weather has been amazing today so it made the whole day even more enjoyable. All in all it was a fab day out and nice to spend a whole day out – we’ve done loads of walking so I’m officially knackered now! But it was worth it as Archie really enjoyed it! 

I’m looking forward to making the most of the next week and a bit – even tho we aren’t out doing glamorous things everyday we are enjoying our time together all the same and Archie has grown up so much this last year whatever we seem to do it’s enjoyable as he’s at that age now where he listens, plays or gets on with whatever we are doing! Don’t get me wrong he still has his odd moments doesn’t any child. I’m still trying to imagine what next summer will be like with Sunshine and Archie together – I’m sure he will seem so much more grown up again with a little sibling in tow and we will have to adapt the holidays to suit the both of their ages, but I can’t wait for it! I know I said before I’m finding it hard to think towards the future but I’m trying to let myself have the odd indulgent daydream about what life will be like with my 2 lovely children, if it all works out I think it’s going to be pretty damn good. 
(Check out my Sunshine shaped belly button which is well and truly never going back to normal! Ha ha!) 


Sunshine, Showers and Rainbows #20

Recently I realised that It’s hard to feel down when your on holiday after we spent a week in Mallorca with my mum and dad. I always think the sunshine provides a beautiful prospective on all things in general. Not only does it put you in a better mood, or make you a sweaty fat mess (in my case) ha ha! But it allows you to see the beauty in things you don’t always notice. 

I have spoken before about how I favour the sun over the dark, rainy miserable days. But like all things we need those to make us appreciate the better ones. Just like when you feel sad, you need those bad days to appreciate when you feel happy again. When you feel ill or under the weather sometimes you need a reminder of how horrible it is to feel like that so when you are better you appreciate ‘feeling normal’ again! 

When Betty left us we never went away, as nice as it would of been to escape for a while and be on our own our circumstances at the time did not allow. So this summer holiday has been a real opportunity to not only spend time as a family which we don’t get as much chance as we would like to at home but it was also an opportunity for me to stop, switch off and reflect. I was worried at first that I would start to feel a bit crazy with nothing to do but I was actually ok! Be it the weather, the relaxation or not being at home or maybe it was a combination. But it’s a positive step (I think) I don’t have a clue about any of this really, grief, loss, I’m learning as I go. But I really do think I’m actually starting to feel ok! I know that sounds such an odd thing to say! But it’s true. It’s difficult to explain maybe if your reading this and you’ve experienced something similar you can relate. But when you can start to find enjoyment in ‘things’ again I think it is a good indicator that actually things are going to be ok. 

When you no longer go through the motions of day to day life like a robot day after day just managing to make it to the next, when you drink in your surroundings and stop feeling guilty for enjoying the simple things that the loved one you left behind is not there to see, you can know it’s going to be ok! Our life will always be a little different now – our journey has changed its course, not through our own choice but I am starting to accept that things will be different now, but understand that they can and will be good. The sunshine and time to reflect has shown me that. And for that I am grateful. Betty is there somewhere, I’m sure of that. Her life was worth something. I would do it all again just to see her and hold her regardless of the outcome because that is what love is, unconditional. We love even tho we know one day we or others will be without us or them but we have to do it because it’s what we do as human beings. 

I know Betty shines through in her Brother Archie and in Sunshine! They will both be my reminder daily that she was here and always will be. I know that we can do this as hundreds before us have and many ahead will do. It’s not been nor will it be easy but it’s achievable. I am proud of myself and my family of how far we have come in such a short space of time. Who knows what we can achieve in the future it is all there for the taking – the sky’s the limit and Betty is there, a shining star, the brightest of them all guiding us along the way reminding us of how precious life is. 10 months ago we said hello and goodbye, we changed as a family, individuals, a couple. We learnt lessons many will never have to, we had to accept a situation we didn’t choose, but we are facing it head on, we are still standing, we love eachother more and we appreciate everything that little bit more. Sunshine, showers or rainbows whatever the weather we will take it in our stride for that is all we can do. 


(Pic of us on hols – Archie mid eye rub! Most the other pictures of him he is pulling a face!!) 

The guilt of parenthood #19

I have spoken a few times before about the guilt of parenthood, be it regarding Betty, Archie or Sunshine I have felt guilt when it comes to all my children. I feel guilt for Betty’s death, I have not spoken much about this – I feel it was my fault. I know it wasn’t but I feel that and there’s no shying away from it. Last summer I felt guilty for not being able to run around after Archie playing with him like I wanted, having the energy I required to entertain a lively 4 year old. But, I got through the summer telling myself that the summer of 2016 would be the best one yet, with our big boy and baby girl, a no doubt lively 9 month old and doting 5 year old and we would do all the things the 3 of us that mummy had been unable to muster up the energy to do last year. 

To no avail – I am in fact 6 and a half months pregnant again with no energy once again feeling the guilt of the summer before, preparing for a holiday that would of been our first as a family of 4. I feel such mixed emotions – I am so grateful to be able to be at home with my son, spend the summer with him, take him out, entertain him as best I can (although to be honest he’s very good at entertaining himself) I am thankful we are able to have a holiday, but it feels somewhat tainted with a story that never quite happened. It’s tricky. 

I have a suitcase full of gorgeous swimming costumes and summer dresses all bought with this summer in mind because the last thing I thought was going to happen was Betty would be dead. Never in a million years did I think it wasn’t ok to dream of this summer with her in it – now that’s all I do, dream. In fact I don’t. I find it odd I don’t dream about her – EVER. Sometimes I wish I would so I could see her, speak to her, but it never happens. Maybe it will, maybe she wasn’t here long enough to escape into that part of my brain, to be honest I rarely dream about Archie and I know him! Odd. 

Anyway the summer. It’s so hard when human nature allows us to plan our lives in our heads, to then have to stop yourself doing it isn’t easy – poor Sunshine, (more guilt) I have to stop myself thinking of what life will be like with them here, I don’t want to get too excited only to be disappointed at the end of it. I think this is normal. I think most of us would react in the same way if faced with a similar situation, but I then feel guilty for almost putting them to the back of my mind even tho they are very much there – I am of course reminded of that everyday. So really I think no matter what way you look at it as a parent you will feel guilt on all levels regardless, this is only natural. But I suppose you just have to do your best and that is all you can do! 

Last week Archie had a week with his Nanny and Grandad – it was a co-incidence that I was ill so actually ended up being timed perfectly, but all week I felt a little bit guilty that I was missing seeing him and doing things with him for the first week of his summer hols. But at the same time had he been here I would of felt guilty because not only could I not talk for the best part of the week but I would have been of no use to him whatsoever. Thus proving either way I would have felt the guilt! 

He has started a summer holiday journal! Tonight we caught up with the weekend as he didn’t write in it then – Saturday’s entry was about him coming home on the ferry (they live on the Isle of Wight) after he’s done a few sentences he draws a picture! His picture was him on the ferry with the 3 of us above and next to it he had written ‘hape’ (happy) and he said I wrote happy mummy because when I’m with you, you always make me feel happy. It got me thinking that he probably doesn’t actually care that I can’t run after him (anyone who knows me knows actually I’m not a runner at the best of times so I don’t think pregnancy would make much of a difference on this front) but he feels happy at home with me, and that was the best thing I could of heard today because for that one spilt second I didn’t feel guilt I too felt ‘happy’ something I am learning to feel more and more each time I think of his siblings rather than all that surrounds their existence. Because after all if we don’t have happiness what is there? 


When memories fade and photos are all you have #18

Every day that passes is another day I get older, another day Archie gets taller and another day further to leaving Betty in our past. When you leave hospital without your baby all you have are the memories you hold in your head (which lets face it at that point are pretty messed up) and a handful of photos and small mementos that right now just don’t seem enough. But they are my most precious possessions.

The weekend marked 9 months since our beautiful girl came and went in the blink of an eye. I really do miss her. Every day I wake up and the first thing I think about is her. I long to hold her, cuddle her, be her mummy. It really is just such a sad deep harrowing feeling that some days is easier to accept than others. With each day passing as sunshine grows and gets stronger, I have to find every bit of courage I have inside to not think about the fact that I won’t have to live without them. I pray I don’t, I don’t know how I will cope if life gets any crueler for us. I have to push the thoughts away but it’s so hard. 

This year feels like de ja vu to me. I am after all only 2 weeks behind in this pregnancy than I was with Betty and I’m scared. Scared to make plans with people I meet that are pregnant or friends who are due the same time as me, I think that once again they will get their babies and I will be left empty handed. I don’t think anyone can comprehend how much energy it takes to walk into a room, a playground, a coffee shop when there is a baby there after you have lost one. Even after the months pass, it is still hard, I didn’t break a nail I LOST MY BABY, she died! People who have no concept of this or a pure disregard for it are quite frankly abysmal. Fortunately not many will ever have to experience such a tragedy. How do you measure the amount of ‘time’ it should take you to feel ‘OK’ to mix with those who have the thing you lost? The answer to this is there is in fact no answer. How long is a piece of string? 

I like to think I have done extremely well on this front – in the first few months I didn’t openly choose to surround myself with other people’s new babies but if I found myself in that situation even tho I panicked inside I rose above it, I held my head high and I did it, I was in their company. Now I have certain babies that I feel comfortable with, I still struggle with new babies and if they are girls I also find this even harder – but I’m ok, I don’t have a choice. I don’t intentionally put myself in situations where I know I may feel upset (why would I) why would anyone expect me to! I won’t go to the group counselling meetings for the pure reason that I am so worried I will upset someone else who has encountered a loss more recently than me – why on earth would they want to sit next to a fat pregnant woman (me) it would be the last thing they would want to do (I know it would be me) I constantly try to think of others. Sometimes it’s a shame others don’t always think of you, but perhaps more than often they are too wrapped up in their own lives to do so. (And let’s face it why should they) but I am also learning to be selfish now. I am trying to think of myself more for a change. Focusing closely to home and not much further. Not only because I am so busy working and looking after Archie I don’t have much time to spread myself any thinner, but also because you quickly see when something like this is put upon you who is true, It is such an eye opener. And when you are fragile it is vital that you immerse yourself in the company of those who make you feel good about yourself, bring positivity because it’s hard enough as it is without having to help everyone else around you. 

I digress from my initial point, when the memories fade, because they do – Betty will remain in my heart forever but my head struggles to process all of my memories of her right now, I know there are so many more things I want to know about her that I never thought to look at. I can’t easily remember what it felt like to touch her skin, what her hair felt like, my mementos that I keep in a little cardboard box don’t seem enough, my photos are not plentiful enough. If only I had known what her fate would be I could of planned better. My darling girl, you are never far from my mind, but I don’t get ‘signs’ you are there – I can only hope that our Sunshine is the one true sign you sent to show us that our hearts can mend a little and that your beautiful face can be seen in theirs – they will never replace you, they will be their own member of our family just like you – but right now we need something good to come out of all the pain of loosing you. We need our rainbow, I hope that day will come soon. 

Until then if you are watching please don’t let anything happen to our Sunshine. Betty Dora Burborough, you are my sunshine, my precious sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey you’ll never know darling just how much I love you, I will never know why you couldn’t stay. 


We’re all goin’ on a summer holiday… #17

I can’t quite believe that Friday marked a whole academic year that my lovely Archie has been at primary school! Where does the time go! This time last year I was in fact pregnant AGAIN.. with Betty and we were about to embark on our last summer holiday before he started school. Today I should be sat with my 9 month old daughter (she would be 9 months today) wondering how I am going to juggle 5 year old activities with that of a baby. Obviously I’m not. I am however spending another summer holiday pregnant (which I am very greatful for) but this time I can’t visualise next summer, in fact I don’t really want to think about it. After all I never thought what would happen to Betty did, I hope this time next year we will have Sunshine but there’s no guarantee. 

I never in a million years imagined that my son would have to go through one of the biggest stages in his life (starting school) coupled with the loss and coping with the death of his sister. But wow how he has coped! He has been truly amazing, I know children are resilient – but his attitude towards what has happened and I don’t believe he’s too young to understand he knows exactly what happened to us and he has been fantastic. He has taken everything in his stride, never kicked up a fuss, never played up, still as loveable as ever. Perhaps a credit to us but proof at just how amazing his school and teachers really are. 

His teachers have supported him through this year incredibly, whilst looking after 29 other children which can’t be an easy job – this time last year all I was worried about was wether he would wear the uniform, the shoes. Now I know I have so much more that I could be worrying about, but with his school behind him, I don’t worry when I drop him off – I know he is safe, I know he is loved and I know that they are mindful of his feelings and will deal with his questions and thoughts. He wrote all the people in our family the other day at school, Betty was there. In his head she is firmly his sister, a part of our family. It makes me happy to know he thinks like this. I don’t think it’s unhealthy to talk about the dead – Infact I think it should be embraced in our situation. I have talked many times before about showing him pictures and I don’t think the time is right for that now, but when he’s older I will show him her little box of footprints, her lock of hair, all her pictures, when I know he’s old enough to take it all in and appreciate it. Right now I am just enjoying the fact that he is ok – he has embraced school life, he loves it. He has lovely friends and has learnt so much in what seems like such a short space of time. 

So as we begin 7 weeks together, I look forward to spending some quality time with my first baby, whilst I try and look after my other baby Sunshine and remember my second one. I will treasure every moment we share and try and make it special for him as it could be the last one just the two of us and next summer we could have another little one to enjoy the fun we have together. No one said life was easy, but I know I have to focus on what I do have and not dwell on negativity thinking about what I don’t have but want. There’s no bringing her back but there’s no forgetting her either. I know for me one of the hardest things is Archie not having the chance to be the big brother I know he will be so good at! But I can only hope in time he will get this chance, he deserves it so much. 


Baby and a boy #16

As I sit with my little love who is off school with a nasty cough today. My thoughts turn to life with a baby and a boy. This time last year I was thinking the same thoughts. Wondering how life was going to be, with my first baby at school and a baby at home. Pretty damn good I thought! Little did I know then life was going to be so different to what I had dreamt it would be. A year on and Archie has almost completed his first year at primary school, he loves it, he is settled. I know things should be even smoother this time as we are well into our school routine, a baby should fit right in! Right? 

I suspect it is only human nature during pregnancy to begin daydreaming of life with your baby, what they will look like, what their personality will be like, will they sleep, will they feed well, will they look like their sibling? And even in light of what happened to Betty I find myself asking the same questions, but with more hesitation this time. I want to imagine, I want to dream but I know that it could all end and my dreams could come crashing down around me in the next minute, hour, day. I have to believe this time will be different of course, I hope, I pray.

So I continue to ask myself all those questions, I am longing to have the pull of 2 little ones, although I know if I get it I will feel guilt, it will be hard but I can’t wait. I know I will have pride, joy, tears, I am ready, I want it. I was ready before, our family was ready for another member. As Sunshine begins little summersaults in my tum I worry they aren’t enough, do they move enough each day? Everything could change tomorrow. I worry. I try not to. It feels like our life is still on hold, I am of course doing my best to take in every day, enjoy Archie, he changes so much all the time. He wakes up excited for every day. I want to enjoy it with him but I am just happy that I get to the end of everyday with a baby still alive inside me. 

I want him to be a big brother so badly, I know he’s going to be so good. Some days I feel ungrateful for feeling how I do, like I’m wishing my life away – I don’t want to wish anything away, time moves so quickly as it is. But I want October to be here now, so we can welcome Sunshine to our family, I don’t feel confident that they are safe on the inside like I used to before. I will feel better when they are here in our arms, I can look after them safely then, until that time I can’t guarantee it will be ok – all I can do is hope, pray. 

I don’t feel like I ask for much, just small things. Maybe all my hopes and questions are indulgent, I don’t think they are? But I know that I have to trust in the prospect that things will be ok this time. Last week wasn’t a great week for me, my emotions felt erratic again (sometimes they go that way) I wasn’t in the mood to talk much about them either, usually that helps but it just wasn’t. This week as I made it though another week and we begin a fresh I am trying to take on a more positive approach! I am busy with work (as always) and I have lots of projects planned around the house! Maybe I’m nesting! Hee hee! So I am going to immerse myself and try to put the bad week behind me and move forward positively and productively and hope that we can get another week closer to our Sunshine. 

I realise I talk a lot about the past, I know I need to look towards the future. BUT Betty is in the past she has to stay there looking towards the future means she gets further away. Today the highlight of my day had to be giving Archie a kinder egg and him joyantly telling me I am the best mummy ever! I don’t feel like the best mummy! I feel mediocre, trying to do the best I can – waiting to be a mum to 2! But I know if I spend too much time waiting all that goes forth will be missed when I turn round and I will wonder where the time went, why didn’t I enjoy it more. So I will go ahead and enjoy, savour, be the best mummy I can be to my little boy and my Sunshine on the inside until they are on the out. It feels like we are all waiting for summer to come, the rain of today has made it feel far away, perhaps it won’t come tomorrow or the next day, but we all know eventually it will arrive in the end. Until that day arrives I must be patient. 
I hope. I pray. 

Archie made himself a ‘dent’ as he likes to call it (tent) and is just arranging some Shopkins on the coffee table in this pic! 


Fathers Day #15

Father’s Day when you have lost a child or when you don’t have father is probably a day you don’t want or need to be reminded of! I know this year for Scott it will be a hard one just like Mother’s Day was for me, but we also have a lot of good to focus on. But it’s only natural to feel a little sad, it’s a feeling that’s deep down inside that doesn’t go away. Scott has been strong today as always. Having lost his own dad at just 16, he has gone through many a year probably feeling rather crappy on this day. But like we all do when we loose someone we love we learn over time to live without the them however hard it maybe. 

He has become so used to talking about his dad and has had a long time to deal with it, talk of him often comes with happiness, I usually cry when he tells me stories of him, one because I never got to meet him and he tells me what an amazing man he was and two because my husband is such a fantastic person I just feel so sad for him that he had to go through that, like I’m sure many people try but find it hard to comprehend how we feel about loosing Betty and feel our pain, I feel the same for him, I wish he had had more time although I know he is grateful for the years he did get. I suppose it comes down to the fact that no matter how much time we do have we always want more. 

I long to have just had 5 minutes with Betty seeing her breathing, being alive, so I could picture what that was like, the only memory I have is of her lifeless and still, not what I had imagined for our first and last meeting as mother and daughter. But if I had got 5 minutes with her I would of longed for 30 minutes and so on. It’s always human nature to want a little more. But today on Father’s Day I know my husband is a proud father to our 2 beautiful children and a son to a wonderful man who isn’t here but is hopefully looking after our beautiful Betty in heaven. Who knows if there is a heaven but when you need to believe there is something better out there, I have to believe there is somewhere amazing for her as she was just too precious for this earth. A place where all those who couldn’t stay with us are waiting until we meet again. Not everyone believes that but for me it’s comforting to imagine it exists. 

So today I have given my own dad an extra big cuddle as I am so grateful for him and I’m thanking my husband for being an amazing father to our 2 wonderful children, and our beautiful sunshine who doesn’t even know what is waiting on the outside for them yet. I know that everyone who is celebrating Father’s Day today will remember that some are not so lucky, some are trying to remember the last time they did celebrate, it may be too far away now to remember or some may have never got the chance to be a dad or maybe they were but only for a brief moment in time but I’m sure all of those who are thinking of their dads or remembering their children today are grateful for the moment in time they had, have or will have some day. Big love to all the daddies with babies in heaven today just because they aren’t here doesn’t make you any less of a father in fact it makes you that little bit more special.

Especially for my darling Scott who continues to support me, put up with me, carry Archie when he’s too lazy to walk and make us laugh each and every day. Without you life would be nothing. Your dad would be so proud of the father you have become. I know I am. 


Memories #14


Today Betty would be 8 months old. The only thing I can remember about holding her is the feel of her cheek as I brushed my finger along it. I often do it to Archie to remind me of that moment. It felt soft, clammy and warm all at the same time. It felt like she went cold so quickly she never really felt like a baby should feel. Just floppy, no blood pumping round to give her a rosy red colour, the colour drained quickly but she was still beautiful.

We stayed all night and day with her, she was born at 8.29pm but by morning she had changed so much I didn’t like it. As much as I didn’t want to leave her there on her own I couldn’t stay and watch her change anymore. The hospital have a ‘cold cot’ to lie them in so you can stay for longer. It’s basically a refrigerated mattress – looking back I should of just picked her up off of it but she felt so fragile I didn’t want to disturb her – they picked her up on it and passed her over to me the next morning so I could lie in bed with her but I didn’t spend as much time as I wish I could of, I didn’t take the pictures I wish I had. When she had her first and only bath I didn’t have the energy to get out of bed and do it, they did it for me, put her nappy and baby grow on. I wish I had done it – but I couldn’t get up easily out of bed, and I was tired. Unlike when you usually have a baby and you think I’m going to be doing this everyday so this time it’s ok if I don’t. I knew it would be the first and only time but I wasn’t able.

I think coming home was one of the only times I got to experience the compromise of having 2 children. I wanted to stay with Betty, but Archie was at home waiting for me, asking where I was, he knew something wasn’t right, he was worried about me – I needed to get home and re-assure him, how I was going to tell him I didn’t know at that stage, but he needed me and I needed him. But I didn’t want to leave Betty all alone, but there was nothing more I could do for her, my job as her mummy was over.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but when your in shock you don’t think of taking an arty shot so It can be put up at home. It just doesn’t cross your mind. I don’t think she looks scary in her pics – she’s gorge. But the only photo I have of her and me was taken the next morning and she had changed so much, the colour drained from her face you can tell she’s dead. It’s sad I can’t put it in a frame and leave it out for Archie to see I think it might frighten him. Actually knowing him he probably wouldn’t even care – he may not even notice. But I would. The midwife took her off and took some photos, Until today I had never got the envelope out of the box, my heart pounded as I put the memory card in to the side of the computer, I was greeted by her big feet, I burst out crying. Each photo brought more tears – the others were not how I want to remember her, and I was shocked at how ‘dead’ she looked in every one. It made me so sad. (I know she is but I thought she would look different, I don’t know what I expected to find) but I’m glad I looked at them. The pic I have posted with my blog today was one of them, you can tell it was taken on a proper camera as it shows all the lovely little creases in her feet.

My favourite photo I took of her I look at every single day, some days it makes me cry, some days I smile. Usually it just makes me cry but that’s not a bad thing. When I talk to people about what’s happened if they make me cry they instantly apologise, when it first happened I remember thinking how odd to apologise, which I suppose shows making me cry doesn’t offend me. I think often people will avoid talking about the subject because they are worried they will upset or offend. But I think it’s more odd to act like it never happened – this doesn’t mean I want to spend every waking second taking about what happened to us, but I will bring Betty’s name up in conversation it doesn’t make me sad, I’ve learnt to say her name and talk about her more now without crying, in the beginning it wasn’t like that. But now it’s easier – new information or new ways of talking about her that I’m not used to may make me blub but that’s ok too.

Even tho through my blog I have in past posts talked about how people may have angered or upset me with certain things they’ve said to me, I don’t mean it disrespectfully towards anyone. I am grateful to everyone who tried to say something even if at times I took it the wrong way, I never let them know. After all at least they tried and that’s all you can do, and those who never mention her I respect that, you probably don’t know what to say either so choose to stay silent. And that’s ok too. I don’t know if I will know what to say to the next person I meet that this happens too. You just say the first thing that comes into your head. I think I would say ‘there’s nothing I can say that will make you feel better, but I know how you feel and I’m here for you’.

So as I stare at 2 little (or not so little) pinky/purple, on the verge of going white feet, with 10 perfect toes, wrinkled little skin and perfectly formed little toe nails. I ask myself WHY? Why me? Why our family? I will never get the answer to that question. 8 months on it still feels just as unfair and unbelievable as it did on day 1. I will never get over this, I will just have to accept it and that feels like the hardest thing of all.