As I sit with my little love who is off school with a nasty cough today. My thoughts turn to life with a baby and a boy. This time last year I was thinking the same thoughts. Wondering how life was going to be, with my first baby at school and a baby at home. Pretty damn good I thought! Little did I know then life was going to be so different to what I had dreamt it would be. A year on and Archie has almost completed his first year at primary school, he loves it, he is settled. I know things should be even smoother this time as we are well into our school routine, a baby should fit right in! Right?
I suspect it is only human nature during pregnancy to begin daydreaming of life with your baby, what they will look like, what their personality will be like, will they sleep, will they feed well, will they look like their sibling? And even in light of what happened to Betty I find myself asking the same questions, but with more hesitation this time. I want to imagine, I want to dream but I know that it could all end and my dreams could come crashing down around me in the next minute, hour, day. I have to believe this time will be different of course, I hope, I pray.
So I continue to ask myself all those questions, I am longing to have the pull of 2 little ones, although I know if I get it I will feel guilt, it will be hard but I can’t wait. I know I will have pride, joy, tears, I am ready, I want it. I was ready before, our family was ready for another member. As Sunshine begins little summersaults in my tum I worry they aren’t enough, do they move enough each day? Everything could change tomorrow. I worry. I try not to. It feels like our life is still on hold, I am of course doing my best to take in every day, enjoy Archie, he changes so much all the time. He wakes up excited for every day. I want to enjoy it with him but I am just happy that I get to the end of everyday with a baby still alive inside me.
I want him to be a big brother so badly, I know he’s going to be so good. Some days I feel ungrateful for feeling how I do, like I’m wishing my life away – I don’t want to wish anything away, time moves so quickly as it is. But I want October to be here now, so we can welcome Sunshine to our family, I don’t feel confident that they are safe on the inside like I used to before. I will feel better when they are here in our arms, I can look after them safely then, until that time I can’t guarantee it will be ok – all I can do is hope, pray.
I don’t feel like I ask for much, just small things. Maybe all my hopes and questions are indulgent, I don’t think they are? But I know that I have to trust in the prospect that things will be ok this time. Last week wasn’t a great week for me, my emotions felt erratic again (sometimes they go that way) I wasn’t in the mood to talk much about them either, usually that helps but it just wasn’t. This week as I made it though another week and we begin a fresh I am trying to take on a more positive approach! I am busy with work (as always) and I have lots of projects planned around the house! Maybe I’m nesting! Hee hee! So I am going to immerse myself and try to put the bad week behind me and move forward positively and productively and hope that we can get another week closer to our Sunshine.
I realise I talk a lot about the past, I know I need to look towards the future. BUT Betty is in the past she has to stay there looking towards the future means she gets further away. Today the highlight of my day had to be giving Archie a kinder egg and him joyantly telling me I am the best mummy ever! I don’t feel like the best mummy! I feel mediocre, trying to do the best I can – waiting to be a mum to 2! But I know if I spend too much time waiting all that goes forth will be missed when I turn round and I will wonder where the time went, why didn’t I enjoy it more. So I will go ahead and enjoy, savour, be the best mummy I can be to my little boy and my Sunshine on the inside until they are on the out. It feels like we are all waiting for summer to come, the rain of today has made it feel far away, perhaps it won’t come tomorrow or the next day, but we all know eventually it will arrive in the end. Until that day arrives I must be patient.
I hope. I pray.
Archie made himself a ‘dent’ as he likes to call it (tent) and is just arranging some Shopkins on the coffee table in this pic!