Month: June 2016

Baby and a boy #16

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As I sit with my little love who is off school with a nasty cough today. My thoughts turn to life with a baby and a boy. This time last year I was thinking the same thoughts. Wondering how life was going to be, with my first baby at school and a baby at home. Pretty damn good I thought! Little did I know then life was going to be so different to what I had dreamt it would be. A year on and Archie has almost completed his first year at primary school, he loves it, he is settled. I know things should be even smoother this time as we are well into our school routine, a baby should fit right in! Right? 

I suspect it is only human nature during pregnancy to begin daydreaming of life with your baby, what they will look like, what their personality will be like, will they sleep, will they feed well, will they look like their sibling? And even in light of what happened to Betty I find myself asking the same questions, but with more hesitation this time. I want to imagine, I want to dream but I know that it could all end and my dreams could come crashing down around me in the next minute, hour, day. I have to believe this time will be different of course, I hope, I pray.

So I continue to ask myself all those questions, I am longing to have the pull of 2 little ones, although I know if I get it I will feel guilt, it will be hard but I can’t wait. I know I will have pride, joy, tears, I am ready, I want it. I was ready before, our family was ready for another member. As Sunshine begins little summersaults in my tum I worry they aren’t enough, do they move enough each day? Everything could change tomorrow. I worry. I try not to. It feels like our life is still on hold, I am of course doing my best to take in every day, enjoy Archie, he changes so much all the time. He wakes up excited for every day. I want to enjoy it with him but I am just happy that I get to the end of everyday with a baby still alive inside me. 

I want him to be a big brother so badly, I know he’s going to be so good. Some days I feel ungrateful for feeling how I do, like I’m wishing my life away – I don’t want to wish anything away, time moves so quickly as it is. But I want October to be here now, so we can welcome Sunshine to our family, I don’t feel confident that they are safe on the inside like I used to before. I will feel better when they are here in our arms, I can look after them safely then, until that time I can’t guarantee it will be ok – all I can do is hope, pray. 

I don’t feel like I ask for much, just small things. Maybe all my hopes and questions are indulgent, I don’t think they are? But I know that I have to trust in the prospect that things will be ok this time. Last week wasn’t a great week for me, my emotions felt erratic again (sometimes they go that way) I wasn’t in the mood to talk much about them either, usually that helps but it just wasn’t. This week as I made it though another week and we begin a fresh I am trying to take on a more positive approach! I am busy with work (as always) and I have lots of projects planned around the house! Maybe I’m nesting! Hee hee! So I am going to immerse myself and try to put the bad week behind me and move forward positively and productively and hope that we can get another week closer to our Sunshine. 

I realise I talk a lot about the past, I know I need to look towards the future. BUT Betty is in the past she has to stay there looking towards the future means she gets further away. Today the highlight of my day had to be giving Archie a kinder egg and him joyantly telling me I am the best mummy ever! I don’t feel like the best mummy! I feel mediocre, trying to do the best I can – waiting to be a mum to 2! But I know if I spend too much time waiting all that goes forth will be missed when I turn round and I will wonder where the time went, why didn’t I enjoy it more. So I will go ahead and enjoy, savour, be the best mummy I can be to my little boy and my Sunshine on the inside until they are on the out. It feels like we are all waiting for summer to come, the rain of today has made it feel far away, perhaps it won’t come tomorrow or the next day, but we all know eventually it will arrive in the end. Until that day arrives I must be patient. 
I hope. I pray. 

Archie made himself a ‘dent’ as he likes to call it (tent) and is just arranging some Shopkins on the coffee table in this pic! 

Jen 

Fathers Day #15

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Father’s Day when you have lost a child or when you don’t have father is probably a day you don’t want or need to be reminded of! I know this year for Scott it will be a hard one just like Mother’s Day was for me, but we also have a lot of good to focus on. But it’s only natural to feel a little sad, it’s a feeling that’s deep down inside that doesn’t go away. Scott has been strong today as always. Having lost his own dad at just 16, he has gone through many a year probably feeling rather crappy on this day. But like we all do when we loose someone we love we learn over time to live without the them however hard it maybe. 

He has become so used to talking about his dad and has had a long time to deal with it, talk of him often comes with happiness, I usually cry when he tells me stories of him, one because I never got to meet him and he tells me what an amazing man he was and two because my husband is such a fantastic person I just feel so sad for him that he had to go through that, like I’m sure many people try but find it hard to comprehend how we feel about loosing Betty and feel our pain, I feel the same for him, I wish he had had more time although I know he is grateful for the years he did get. I suppose it comes down to the fact that no matter how much time we do have we always want more. 

I long to have just had 5 minutes with Betty seeing her breathing, being alive, so I could picture what that was like, the only memory I have is of her lifeless and still, not what I had imagined for our first and last meeting as mother and daughter. But if I had got 5 minutes with her I would of longed for 30 minutes and so on. It’s always human nature to want a little more. But today on Father’s Day I know my husband is a proud father to our 2 beautiful children and a son to a wonderful man who isn’t here but is hopefully looking after our beautiful Betty in heaven. Who knows if there is a heaven but when you need to believe there is something better out there, I have to believe there is somewhere amazing for her as she was just too precious for this earth. A place where all those who couldn’t stay with us are waiting until we meet again. Not everyone believes that but for me it’s comforting to imagine it exists. 

So today I have given my own dad an extra big cuddle as I am so grateful for him and I’m thanking my husband for being an amazing father to our 2 wonderful children, and our beautiful sunshine who doesn’t even know what is waiting on the outside for them yet. I know that everyone who is celebrating Father’s Day today will remember that some are not so lucky, some are trying to remember the last time they did celebrate, it may be too far away now to remember or some may have never got the chance to be a dad or maybe they were but only for a brief moment in time but I’m sure all of those who are thinking of their dads or remembering their children today are grateful for the moment in time they had, have or will have some day. Big love to all the daddies with babies in heaven today just because they aren’t here doesn’t make you any less of a father in fact it makes you that little bit more special.

Especially for my darling Scott who continues to support me, put up with me, carry Archie when he’s too lazy to walk and make us laugh each and every day. Without you life would be nothing. Your dad would be so proud of the father you have become. I know I am. 

Jen 

Memories #14

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Today Betty would be 8 months old. The only thing I can remember about holding her is the feel of her cheek as I brushed my finger along it. I often do it to Archie to remind me of that moment. It felt soft, clammy and warm all at the same time. It felt like she went cold so quickly she never really felt like a baby should feel. Just floppy, no blood pumping round to give her a rosy red colour, the colour drained quickly but she was still beautiful.

We stayed all night and day with her, she was born at 8.29pm but by morning she had changed so much I didn’t like it. As much as I didn’t want to leave her there on her own I couldn’t stay and watch her change anymore. The hospital have a ‘cold cot’ to lie them in so you can stay for longer. It’s basically a refrigerated mattress – looking back I should of just picked her up off of it but she felt so fragile I didn’t want to disturb her – they picked her up on it and passed her over to me the next morning so I could lie in bed with her but I didn’t spend as much time as I wish I could of, I didn’t take the pictures I wish I had. When she had her first and only bath I didn’t have the energy to get out of bed and do it, they did it for me, put her nappy and baby grow on. I wish I had done it – but I couldn’t get up easily out of bed, and I was tired. Unlike when you usually have a baby and you think I’m going to be doing this everyday so this time it’s ok if I don’t. I knew it would be the first and only time but I wasn’t able.

I think coming home was one of the only times I got to experience the compromise of having 2 children. I wanted to stay with Betty, but Archie was at home waiting for me, asking where I was, he knew something wasn’t right, he was worried about me – I needed to get home and re-assure him, how I was going to tell him I didn’t know at that stage, but he needed me and I needed him. But I didn’t want to leave Betty all alone, but there was nothing more I could do for her, my job as her mummy was over.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but when your in shock you don’t think of taking an arty shot so It can be put up at home. It just doesn’t cross your mind. I don’t think she looks scary in her pics – she’s gorge. But the only photo I have of her and me was taken the next morning and she had changed so much, the colour drained from her face you can tell she’s dead. It’s sad I can’t put it in a frame and leave it out for Archie to see I think it might frighten him. Actually knowing him he probably wouldn’t even care – he may not even notice. But I would. The midwife took her off and took some photos, Until today I had never got the envelope out of the box, my heart pounded as I put the memory card in to the side of the computer, I was greeted by her big feet, I burst out crying. Each photo brought more tears – the others were not how I want to remember her, and I was shocked at how ‘dead’ she looked in every one. It made me so sad. (I know she is but I thought she would look different, I don’t know what I expected to find) but I’m glad I looked at them. The pic I have posted with my blog today was one of them, you can tell it was taken on a proper camera as it shows all the lovely little creases in her feet.

My favourite photo I took of her I look at every single day, some days it makes me cry, some days I smile. Usually it just makes me cry but that’s not a bad thing. When I talk to people about what’s happened if they make me cry they instantly apologise, when it first happened I remember thinking how odd to apologise, which I suppose shows making me cry doesn’t offend me. I think often people will avoid talking about the subject because they are worried they will upset or offend. But I think it’s more odd to act like it never happened – this doesn’t mean I want to spend every waking second taking about what happened to us, but I will bring Betty’s name up in conversation it doesn’t make me sad, I’ve learnt to say her name and talk about her more now without crying, in the beginning it wasn’t like that. But now it’s easier – new information or new ways of talking about her that I’m not used to may make me blub but that’s ok too.

Even tho through my blog I have in past posts talked about how people may have angered or upset me with certain things they’ve said to me, I don’t mean it disrespectfully towards anyone. I am grateful to everyone who tried to say something even if at times I took it the wrong way, I never let them know. After all at least they tried and that’s all you can do, and those who never mention her I respect that, you probably don’t know what to say either so choose to stay silent. And that’s ok too. I don’t know if I will know what to say to the next person I meet that this happens too. You just say the first thing that comes into your head. I think I would say ‘there’s nothing I can say that will make you feel better, but I know how you feel and I’m here for you’.

So as I stare at 2 little (or not so little) pinky/purple, on the verge of going white feet, with 10 perfect toes, wrinkled little skin and perfectly formed little toe nails. I ask myself WHY? Why me? Why our family? I will never get the answer to that question. 8 months on it still feels just as unfair and unbelievable as it did on day 1. I will never get over this, I will just have to accept it and that feels like the hardest thing of all.

Jen

When people say they are sorry but it’s not enough…#13

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When Betty died, I know how much everyone’s hearts ached for us – at first I was sad, then I felt numb, then the anger came, then the blame, then the sadness, then the anger again, then I began to realise I had to accept it, it wasn’t going to change. BUT I WANTED HER BACK. But no matter how many times people said, I’m so sorry or they cried for me/with me I just wished they could help me to change what had happened. They couldn’t. There was no bringing her back. EVER. She was gone. I hated that. 

Deep down I just thought they were all just happy it wasn’t them, it began to feel like the only people I could turn to were the ones who had had it happen to them. But there weren’t many that I knew. Who do you turn to? What do you do? The worst thing was it felt like this was going to be just the start of our fight for Betty, it was, it still is. We have a long way to go before I will ever accept what happened to us was an accident. It wasn’t. I will not accept that. Sometimes things do happen – the consultant providing us with the investigation results said it was ‘a tragic accident’. Maybe. Maybe not. She died in October we then had to spend 3 long months waiting to find out the results of her post mortem. It was inconclusive. No answers, just so many more questions. The ones we had spent all that time going over and over were still there, but this time there were more to accompany them. 

I don’t know if I will ever be able to accept that – I am having to fight hard not to think about it, yet I know I have to because it doesn’t help things to dwell on negativity but sometimes you have to. Sometimes it feels like there is no other way and sometimes you need to go through that to help yourself. I think I do. I can honestly say I don’t think there is a day that has gone by since October 17th 2015 that I havn’t thought about what happened to Betty, thought about an area of the investigation in to her death, the night she died, the week leading up to it. In fact it brought into question my whole pregnancy, what did I miss – I would get a sign if my baby was going to die, I would know, I would see it coming, I didn’t, it hit me so hard, I think I might actually still be in shock! Did that actually happen to me? To my family? 

A recent report published by the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists, ‘Each Baby Counts’ (first report) (https://www.rcog.org.uk/en/news/press-release-over-a-quarter-of-local-investigations-into-stillbirths-neonatal-deaths-and-severe-brain-injuries-are-not-good-enough-says-rcog-report/) has given me more insight and made me realise what I already suspected, that our case was not investigated comprehensively. In my opinion, an investigation after a child has died should be conducted by an external team – it should in no way involve members of staff who had colleagues directly or indirectly involved in the care of a patient who died whilst under the hospitals care, in our case Betty. I cannot and will not accept that my child’s death was ‘a tragic accident’. There were factors that contributed and people were, in my opinion, until I can be shown otherwise, complacent and haphazard when it came to our care. Guidelines are there for a reason, if they are not being adhered to then there is a level of negligence, surely that is clear cut. 

I do not want others to go through what we went through. I know they will, but I want to do my best to prevent other families receiving the poor level of care we did. I want Betty’s case to be used as an example in the hospital to remind people to follow procedure and more importantly the ‘NICE’ guidelines. In 2016 it is not acceptable that 11 babies die a day from being stillborn. We should be able to prevent this. What am I going to do? To be honest right now I am not sure – I feel like a small fish swimming in a big ocean and it’s very daunting, I don’t know who I can turn to, but every day I am getting a little bit closer to helping myself and getting justice for Betty. I won’t let this consume our lives but equally I will not give up. She was our baby girl and a mothers love is not one to be reckoned with. 

I know I might sound crazy, bitter, unreasonable. But, at the end of the day I lost someone I love and if we can’t fight for the ones we love then what is there left to fight for?

Jen 

Legoland… #12

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Archie had a staff training day Friday so we took the opportunity to go to Legoland without the crowds. It was a great day and there were no queues at all which is great when you are out with an impatient 5 year old! We did the same trip last year for Archie’s 4th birthday when I had Betty in my tum! This time we hadSunshine – I’m just hoping that next time we go we will take our two lovely children (fingers crossed) last year we spent a lot of time queueing, getting to the front then walking back through said queue after Archie decided he didn’t like the look of the ride! 

We used our good old Tesco vouchers – which make it so much more doable because I have to admit that at £49 each, it’s just not really affordable for us. Hubby took the day off work as I wasn’t sure how many rides I would be able to go on! Lucky he did as the majority said ‘not suitable for pregnant women’ I’m sure they have to say that as let’s face it who’s willing to test out something when your pregnant to see if it’s ok! So the 2 boys were well away on the roller coaster, log flume etc! It was nice for them to have some time together aswel, Scott works away in the week so is only home at weekends so our time together is always precious.

My favourite part of the day was seeing all the oversized Lego characters! I have to say I think I love Lego just as much as Archie! And having been to America (Disneyland) together before we had children it reminded me of meeting all the characters there and posing for pics with them! Our favourite family ride was called Atlantis, an underwater submarine that allows you to see not only marine life but Lego divers and sea gods! Archie loved it and with sharks and ‘nemos’ swimming right past the sub window it was a fab experience.

An excited Archie…

We took a picnic lunch, which was great as it meant we could just plonk ourselves down and re-fuel quickly whilst Archie watched a show of the three little pigs and ate his lunch standing! In fact he had scoffed a tub of popcorn walking round for most the morning so he didn’t eat much lunch! I’m not really one that worries about things like that – it’s always nice to just go with the flow on days out and he just grazed through the day so there was no chance of him starving! 

We spent a full day there and had decided we would stay over night nearby so had a hotel booked for the night, nothing fancy just the Holiday Express but it meant after a long day walking round we only had a 10 minute car journey and a nice trip to Pizza Express for tea to look forward to (also courtesy of our Tesco vouchers) we do most our shopping and get petrol in Tesco so we always seem to accumulate a lot of vouchers! We walked to a local chain and then had a nice walk back to our room, missing the rain that pursued after we got to the restaurant. 

The iPad was out by the time pud arrived…

It was the first time we have been on a day trip and not taken a buggy for Archie! At 5 now he doesn’t need one – but he can be a lazy boy at times so I wasn’t sure how he would get on! But apart from the odd venture up onto dads shoulders he did so well and walked most the day! He was in bed late (I think it was almost 10pm) by the time we finished our dins and got back to our room but in true Archie style after me and Scott had hoped for a lie in he was up at 6.15am! Oopsie! He couldn’t wait to get down for brekkie! But he actually laid in his bed for a couple of hours and watched his iPad meaning we got a few extra hours in bed even if it was accompanied by the odd jump, kick, squeal, meaning it was a broken couple of hours so felt like we too had been up since just gone 6am! 

Our day out even resulted in us getting our last Disney Mini figure!!! And even better, at Legoland they write the name of every figure on the back of the packet! Anyone who collects mini figures will know that generally you have to feel your way though the packs to complete the collection often resulting in doubles! Which at £2.49 each can be a pricey exercise! So basically I wish we had gone there when they first came out! Ha ha! But this collection is fab! I love Disney! And it’s great to have the cute Cheshire Cat now! Archie has proudly lined them up on the shelf in his room – I wonder how long they will stay there! 


Jen 

Sunshine… #11

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So the title is ‘sunshine’ I am in fact referring to all this amazing weather we have been having this week and not my little (actually it’s quite a big) baby bump! Ha ha! However I can’t help but think of our own little sunshine right now! 

I have to say that personally I think there is no better tonic than that of the sun! It makes the shittest of days feel good (not that I’m having a crappy day) just a normal one, I went to work, met a friend for coffee, then another friend then picked Archie up from his dance class, cooked dinner, etc! Mundane but just everyday life.. Good days come so much more frequently to me now and when the sun is shining it just puts me in such a better mood!

Having had Archie at the end of March so being a spring/summer baby! I was looking forward to having a winter one this time with Betty. I looked forward to cold rainy days snuggled up with my little baby, chilly school runs with her wrapped in a hundred layers and cold family walks, with pics of our red cheeked little munchkins. Of course this didn’t happen instead the dreary days seemed just that.. dreary and depressing, I wondered if they were a reflection of my mood at the time and as the leaves of Autumn fell from the trees to reveal bare, sad looking surroundings it just made me think of myself and my own mood/feelings! There was nothing exciting or magical about the Autumn/Winter it was all one big fat pile of poo! 

But to be honest that doesn’t mean to say if you loose a baby in the summer you will still manage to remain happy because the sun is shining – far from it! You would just Infact hate the fact the sun is shining even more because you couldn’t think of anything worse than sitting out and enjoying it! Not that the winter for me even meant I could stay in and wallow in my own self pity, I couldn’t and actually I wouldn’t let myself (don’t get me wrong every now and again a good wallow and even more importantly a cry) is soothing for the soul! You get it out of your system and then feel a bit more balanced for a while – well in my opinion you do. But with the arrival of the winter and after what felt an eternity the spring (which is by far one of my favourite seasons) it reminded me how quickly things change. 

Now why am I harping on about the seasons? I quite possibly sound mental! Well.. for me in a reflective sort of way the arrival of them with time reminded actually how quickly time moves on, you have to embrace what you are going through at that point in your life and face it head on even tho more often than not it can be scary and not something we want to change or do, along with it come the harder days and then the mundane days which move time along but then you get to a point where summer comes and you look back at the other seasons and realise how things have changed so much in that time but now you have little things to enjoy, warm evenings, colourful flowers sprouting everywhere, lush green trees, bright mornings, less rain (we can hope) the occasional storm will fall but the worst is behind you and now you can in fact just enjoy the SUNSHINE.

Jen X

Feeling complete… #10

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On Friday we had the 20 week scan of our little rainbow – Archie has now nicknamed it Sunshine! I didn’t want it to have a nickname as I was worried about it but I feel that we just have to go with it and it’s something he wanted to do, so I think it’s nice for him to have that involement! We did find out what we are going to have! Exciting! But I’m not going to reveal thatjust yet.. 

Having this next baby got me thinking about our family, we have always said we would like 3 children – once this one arrives we will have 3 but obviously we don’t have Betty here with us. It’s strange as I started to think about when your family feels ‘complete’ I have friends who have had all their children I should really ask them this question – once you’ve had the amount of children you envisaged you would have does your family feel complete? 

I had this vision before we lost Betty that once we had a son and a daughter we would either go on to have a third or as we had one of each we would perhaps stop at 2 but I felt that we would know once she was here how we would feel! Obviously for us it didn’t happen so we are back to square one with only our lovely Archie, just the 3 of us. But I can’t help that think no matter how many children we go on to have now will we ever get that feeling? Will our family ever feel complete? And if families do get that, then surely it’s just never going to be possible for us because we will always have someone missing?

It’s a sobering thought not one I think needs to be dwelled on too much, but it’s like when you only have 1 child and people always ask the question will you have more? I will NEVER ask anyone that question again – after what has happened to us I just feel that if someone has 1 child why is that not enough for people? Why do they always ask do you want more? As if you should, maybe we don’t want another (of course in our case we do) but some may only set out to have one and how great is that! We should never be made to feel inadequate with such a simple question but it’s easily done and of course people are not saying it to offend or be malicious. Just like when people ask me if ‘I’m hoping for a girl’ but I have to say (and please don’t be offended if you have already asked me) but no of course I’m not hoping for a bloody girl, I am in fact hoping for a baby that is 1. Alive and 2. Heathy. Boy or girl it will be loved so much it doesn’t matter what it is. 

When you start the journey for a family wether it’s 1 or 10 kids – you don’t really say what you want because you know it’s 50/50! Surely if you wanted to pick what you wanted you wouldn’t bother at all because it’s never a guarantee. But at the end of the day they are your babies and it doesn’t matter what sex they are, they are a part of you and your other half, a representation of a bit of both of you of the love you have for eachother and you are always so happy to have that beautiful child why does it matter if they are a boy or a girl. However it seems to be such a focus for people, I know it’s only normal for people to ask questions like that – I suppose sometimes you don’t really know what to ask and thats the first thing that comes into your head! I’m sure I have done it to people/friends numerous times before. 

Now I really think differently tho – it comes back to one of my other blog posts, that question of is this your first?? I still constantly want to say to people no it’s my third, I want people to know that I have carried two babies to the end, given birth to them, named them, mapped out their lives in my head. But only Archie is ‘living our dream’ right now. I am so grateful for him and to be honest if we never had another child then we had Betty and we have him and I would be content but I would always wonder. I want him to be a big brother – I pray he can be the amazing big brother to our beautiful sunshine, he is so caring, so loving, I just know he would be amazing I want him to have that opportunity in life, that was one of the things I have always envisaged for him. 

I can’t wait for the blog post that can read… Meet sunshine and a picture of our two beautiful children one smiling proudly the other probably asleep looking like a wrinkly little alien. Like every family out there – we all deserve to have that chance, to get the family we desire, no one should ever have to experience the loss of a child. But those who do, maybe we are chosen because we are strong, even if we don’t feel like it at times, it’s not easy (but let’s face it life never is) but it means when we get our rainbows we can love them that little bit more, and if we never get them we can be thankful for our babies in heaven because we feel just as much love for them as we would if they were here with us everyday, it just hurts that little bit more. 

A little skelton looking sunshine 

Jen X

How did we survive? #9

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I have been asked this by a few people and it got me thinking about the answer. It’s a BIG question – there is really only a long answer with no end and it’s not the same for everyone. I tried to think about it and put it into words for my situation and the answer in short is I havnt got a clue. But.. If I sit and look back a while I can try. It might be a bit disjointed but I will just go over the weeks/months in short to try and answer the question itself! 

Those first few days after we left Betty in the hospital felt like they went on forever I wanted them to be over, I didn’t like this feeling inside me it was awful, all consuming, it made me feel sad, sick and numb all at the same time. I couldn’t be Archie’s mummy, I wanted to get in a hole and die. But I didn’t want to leave him – I wanted now even more to be the best mum I could be to him. But I didn’t want him to see me like this. But I couldn’t put these emotions away right now, I couldn’t pretend, I couldn’t get out of bed but I had to. He would cry when I didn’t take him to school in morning – he cried so much one morning Scott brought him back in from the car, all he wanted was to sit on my lap and have a cuddle. We cuddled – he stopped crying – ate some of my toast and then he went to school.

‘Google when will I stop feeling this way?’ No answer. 

A few more days passed, the priest called to tell us her body was back from the post mortem we could start planning her funeral – what songs did we want? She didn’t know any songs, I hadn’t sung any to get her back to sleep/calm her down. This is too soon. What colour casket do we want? Do we want her buried or cremated? In my head I’m asking how many times did she wake last night, how many nappies have I changed? In my reality none of this has happened. 

A week pass we finalise songs, Eric Clapton, ‘tears in heaven’ and Stevie Wonder ‘isn’t she lovely’, she will be buried, I can’t bare the thought of her being burnt, white casket, in another weeks time. What flowers do you want? I don’t want flowers they will die – you have to have flowers! We choose a pink and white letter B! I don’t remember the flowers. 

Two weeks pass – I don’t want to go to the funeral. Perhaps I will stay at home. I go. It’s better than I expected. We burry our little baby girl, in the babygrow she was going to come home in. Scott carries her for the last time to where she will rest in the ground her casket is so tiny, the funeral directors have stuck pink butterflies on it. They look tacky – I didn’t ask them to do that. I can’t do anything about it. The priest who blessed her in hospital sends her to her final resting place beautifully and respectfully. I want to go home. I feel better now it’s over. But now I worry she will be cold out there all alone. I push the thought away – it isn’t helping. 

We buried her on the 5th of November – we have a firework and hot dog party for Archie when he finishes school. He doesn’t realise what we did today. I drink more Pinot than I should (I didn’t get drunk tho) I have never been one to drink in those type of situations, but my wine buzz takes the edge off my feelings. 

A month passes, I don’t know where it went. 

Two months we are just carrying on. I still havn’t been to see her. 

Christmas comes, we need to have it for Archie, I am not interested. What is to celebrate? This is not how I had Imagined this Christmas. New Years – sad and thankful it’s over all at the same time, sad we are leaving her in our past not bringing her with us into our future, thankful we have ended the worst year of our lives. Hopeful 2016 will bring better things for us. But grateful she existed.  

Three months, post mortem results, such a long time to wait to get answers. There are none just even more questions. And the questions bring more questions and heartache. People at the hospital didn’t do things they should have. Could our baby have lived? I will ask myself this for the rest of my life. I hope they can live with themselves, we have to, but it’s so hard not to question everyday if I should of done something differently that week/day. I know it’s not my fault but deep down I will always feel guilty. I let my family down. I know it’s not good to think that way but it’s so hard not to. 

We find out we are going to have another baby, I pray we can keep this one, that I will do a good job of being its mummy. Keep growing little one, I am nervous and excited but more scared. We have to get right to the end like we did before but it can’t happen again? It just cannot. 

We continue living things are getting easier – 7 months now, the wounds are healing. We still talk of her, she was here, it’s hard to carry on without her but we have no choice. So the bottom line is I don’t really have an answer to the question – other than you carry on. It’s hard but you can do it. You have to learn to be selfish sometimes, you have to surround yourself with people who make you feel good and can talk when you want to but know it doesn’t need to be the topic of conversation every time you see them. People who don’t creep around you but who you know understand (or try to) don’t be like me and worry about everyone else, worry about yourself and those who are meant to be in your life will still be there when you come out the other side. Laugh, cry, talk but just take in every little moment of your life with a bit more clarity remembering how fragile life is, you will take nothing for granted ever again. You are strong, you are amazing and you can do it – trust me. 


This was my favourite baby grow 💕

Jen X