Going out of your comfort zone… #8

Those who have read my other blog posts will know I’ve never been a ‘big announcement’ person on Facebook! When I found out I was pregnant this time I never thought a few months later I would have started this blog and have announced it in such a way! 

When those 2 lines came up on the test I was shocked, happy, overwhelmed all at the same time! I know how incredibly lucky Scott and I were to be able to get pregnant so quickly – we decided we would try and if it happened it would be a bonus but if it didn’t it would when my body was ready after all I had only had a baby a few months previously (normally this would be the last thing on your mind, getting pregnant again) but for us it was all we could think about. 

After a few days at home after we left Betty in the hospital I said to Scott I want another baby, I had already decided in my mind I didn’t want to wait too long, he felt the same. It felt right and wrong all at the same time. Before Betty in 2013 I had a miscarriage, after that having a baby was the last thing we wanted it shocked us so much, we weren’t expecting it, we just couldn’t think about another. And as a result waited several years before trying for the baby that was Betty! I’m not saying that we weren’t shocked when this happened, we couldn’t have been more shocked to the core, but it was different this time. The seat was in the car, her clothes were washed and in the wardobe, the nappies and wipes were ready in a basket, her Moses basket was by our bed. We came home with no baby just a box with some keepsakes of her and a house full of reminders of the excitement we left just several nights before when we left to go and have our baby. 

I can honestly say this is literally the worst thing we have ever experienced, I pray we will never feel or go through something as devastating in our lifetime (of course we don’t know we may) but coming home to an empty house with all the war wounds of child birth but no baby laid in your arms to make it feel worth while was just mind numbing. I went to bed. I never wanted to get up. But I had to. 

So going back to those 2 lines. We were going to be starting this journey again so soon after going through it with Betty. It was going to be so different this time. To begin with I felt guilty, I worried people would think I was wrong to be having another baby so soon (why was I worried about what they thought?) maybe that’s just me! This baby was/is NEVER going to replace our baby girl but we were ready for her – our family had a space for one more, we need the fourth member of our ‘gang’ as we like to call it. We had to try again. Perhaps this baby could help to heal our broken hearts, fill a quiet house, after all we were prepared with all the kit a baby could ever need! 

All Betty’s things went back in the loft – the hospital bag still packed, I sorted nothing it just needed to go away. I said if we ever had another baby I wouldn’t get anything out until they were here – but as time is progressing this time I am trying to change my attitude to this. I don’t want to not think about this baby so much that it’s almost a shock when it arrives. We can’t go through the pregnancy in fear. We have to embrace Mother Nature, we have been given the gift now and we have to have hope and faith they will arrive safely and come home with us. After all the hospital will look after me so well this time, they don’t want it to happen again! Of course it could, we are now a statistic, once it’s happened to you once you are more at risk. But I am NOT going to make myself go crazy with that thought. 

Which is why this time, for the first time I am doing things differently, I havn’t had any counselling yet but in my own mind this is a sort of therapy for me. As well as my blog, this time I am going to set up the nursery, we actually didn’t even do that with Betty (we were going to wait until she went in her own room around 6 months) but this time we will put the cot up, get all the things we put in the loft back down, wash them, get them ready as we did before with all the hope of bringing any new addition to your family. This time I will put things about being pregnant on my blog, I will write about it, because it’s a big part of our life right now. It would be strange for me to not do it. 

Everyone’s support and messages of encouragement, sadness and love will get me through. I never thought 7 months ago when I sat in the same spot on my sofa where I am now, that I could feel like life was getting better. Back then, even tho it wasn’t that long ago I thought I would never feel normal again, never have the feeling of hope or excitement and more importantly, happiness. And even if I wasn’t pregnant again right now, I would still have those feelings right now at this moment in time. I have a lot to be happy and grateful for and also a lot to be sad and unhappy for but I will not let the latter get the better of me. It is the hand we have been dealt, it is life, we have to keep living it. After all what is the other option? If someone had said that to me months ago I would probably have wanted to punch them in the face! Hee hee! But now I can say it, I know it’s true. It’s hard to hear sometimes but its true. 

So for now until anything changes I am not going to think differently, I am going to try and remain focused and positive. Of course there will be days when I don’t feel happy or confident that it will be ok – but I will get through those days as I have been and take them one step at a time. For like everything in life that’s all we can do. But there is a rainbow in sight and I’m am not the type of person that will give up without a fight and believe me I am fighting so hard right now. 

After all everything has to be ok in the end, because if it’s not ok then it’s not the end… 

I didn’t believe the first 10 cheapy tests I did so I went and got an expensive one just to make sure!!! 

Jen X 

Somewhere over the rainbow… #7

It’s amazing how a thought, a memory, a song can reduce you to tears. I don’t cry half as much as I used to now – I have stopped crying when I go to sleep (I may have the odd tear now and again as usually I have a quick look in on Archie and then a look at my pics of Betty on my phone before I go to bed) but the tears are more happy ones nowadays rather than heavy pools of extreme grief that not even a good cry would shift. (Great progress I think)

The last few days Archie has been talking more about Betty before he goes to sleep, we read his bedtime story and then we have a little chat – we have been planning what we will do for her first birthday this year (he’s obsessed with birthdays at the moment) he has decided she will want a princess cake, but it will be pink so he’s not going to eat any! Ha ha! I suggested we get her some pink balloons and send them up to heaven, he told me that would be a great idea! Even typing this now I can feel the tears coming, the thought of her first birthday without her – a whole year since this nightmare started and we lost a part of our little family. I can’t imagine how I will feel on this day yet but I already know I want it to be special and I want Archie to be involved in celebrating her with us. What are we celebrating tho? That’s its been a year since she left us? I suppose we have to celebrate the fact we met her, she existed and she was ours all be it for a short moment in time. 

Days after she died the midwife came to visit us, she asked me if we had taken Archie in to meet her? I remember thinking at the time are you mental?? Why would you do that to a 4 year old they can’t see a dead body! Then I started to worry that we had made the wrong decision, she was surely more experienced in dealing with families that have gone through this (or maybe we were her first, I don’t know) was I wrong? Did other people let their children meet their dead sibling? As I have mentioned before these things don’t come with a hand book and my biggest concern through all of this was if Archie was ok! I was so worried this would leave him with mental scars in adulthood, I didn’t want it to affect him too much. It wasn’t that I wanted to pretend it didn’t happen, but I didn’t want him to see me or Scott really upset as I knew it would upset him too. How we dealt with this early on was going to have a big impact on the future. We needed to get it right but I can honestly say I felt clueless. 

His school were absolutely amazing, it was so hard for all of us as he had only started in the September and the both of us had only just begun to make friends, I didn’t really know anyone enough to share all of this with – but everyone was so supportive, those who did know me were so caring and kind. The school itself gave Archie one to one sessions with their school councillor which I believe helped no end – she would give us updates on how he was doing. He seemed to take it so well. He understood we didn’t have Betty, he thinks of her as a star. He will often shout out when we are out at night and the starry sky can be seen “There’s Betty” it really is quite lovely. 

One day he randomly asked me when she was coming back from heaven? It stopped me in my tracks – I was driving at the time I could feel the tears coming down my face what do I tell him? I explained she wouldn’t be coming back, he seemed angry “but mummy other friends have their babies why can’t we have ours” I explained that some babies are too special to stay with us, some have to live in heaven, he seemed to accept this. On another occasion he asked me if it was sunny in heaven? Would Betty get wet if it rained? The things he must of been thinking I couldn’t imagine. I think he is amazing for being such a strong little chap, even tho he doesn’t even know it – maybe he will read this one day and realise how proud I am of him.

He asked me the other night if our new baby would have to go ‘up there’ like Betty – this is my biggest fear, I had to lie and say no it will stay with us but the truth is I don’t know if it will stay, I can’t give him that guarantee, but I truly hope and pray we get to keep this one this time. You may be wondering what baby I am referring too! And, I am extremely happy if not incredibly scared to tell you there is a rainbow on its way – I hope we will find our happy ending in October of this year and Archie will get to be the big brother I know he will be so fantastic at being and hopefully we will be able to celebrate Betty’s First Birthday as a family of 4! 
(I wonder if Archie will get a brother or a sister…)

Jen X

They never knew you…#6

Today has been a funny old day. I decided to have a day to myself doing something nice rather
than working or doing the usual housework etc! This morning I went to yoga (I thought it would be good to have some relaxation time) and then this afternoon I got my hair cut and blow dried! I LOVE a good blow dry! Sounds great doesn’t it… And don’t get me wrong it was! But do you know what, I think it was the first time since Betty died I have done something like that where I have been out in company I didn’t know! Not that I havn’t been out until now or on my own, but I usually meet friends who know me well or only seem to bump into people who aren’t likely to ask me questions! I’m always out and about. But It was the first time (and it happened several times today) that I have been asked by a stranger ‘how many children do you have?’ ‘Do you think you will have anymore?’. I almost hadn’t thought about this happening so I was taken back a bit by the questions, I found myself lying! I told them about Archie and I just said yes we would like more, but I didn’t go into any detail. 

I felt awful as soon as the words left my mouth, why was I hiding Betty? It wasn’t because I am ashamed of her (far from it) I want everyone to know about her – but it’s such a personal thing that I didn’t feel A) the young hairdresser needed to know I have 2 children, but one is dead B) I’m probably going to make her feel bad for asking, how was she to know and she almost certainly wouldn’t have a clue how to react to my response (I know I wouldn’t) well actually I would now, but I wouldn’t have this time last year! And the lady who has just met me for the first time at yoga is definitely just making small talk, it’s not appropriate to bring that up!

In the hairdressers I could hear another woman talking about her new baby, happy, almost smug, so proud of her new baby and the fact she is a new parent, giddy because today is the first time she has left him and that she’s mastered breastfeeding – I was just sat thinking to myself that I’m almost sad I will never have that naivety in pregnancy or after having another child (if it happens) in fact never again. I know we can’t go through life thinking something bad is going to happen, it’s just not the way we are conditioned to think. But I feel like I’ve been robbed of ever enjoying again the lovely feeling of a newborn, I think even if we get another baby I will always be thinking in the back of my mind something might go wrong! But perhaps with time my brain will think differently and I will relax into things! 

So… What do I say now when people ask me the question??? Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh I don’t know! Why am I worried about making other people feel uncomfortable! But it’s that line between if your just having a fleeting conversation with someone I can’t go into what happened to us so why bring it up at all! But does this seem like I’m a bad person for not sharing my gorgeous baby girl! I think it will take me a long time yet to know the answer to this! I think for now I just have to go with what feels right at that moment in time and as long as I know in my heart how loved Betty is she isn’t going to mind if I don’t mention her to random people! Wow! Where’s that handbook to life when you need it… 

 Serious selfie of my new locks (trying to take a quick sneaky pic before anyone walked past the car) ha ha! 


School Uniform Longevity… #5

I don’t want my blog to seem all sad and upsetting, however it’s felt important to try and show people why I set it up in the first place; ultimately it is about Betty. What happened to her was and still is incredibly sad. To be honest everytime I write I think about her, in fact there’s not a day that goes by when I don’t think of her. I love the fact that this blog is giving me a chance to say her name more and people are saying it. We won’t have a home where her name will be called up the stairs to get dressed, share that toy, eat your dinner please. I suppose as time goes on her name will fade into the background, but hopefully through my blog this wont happen. I hope I have created somewhat of an introduction, an understanding to where you find me today – I don’t think I could ever have shared our story until this point in time. Right now other things like sharing her picture still feel so overwhelming I just cant do them. I hope in time I can share her with those who are following and reading intently.

Thank fully much of my day to day life revolves around Archie B! This is where this post finds me, on the subject of school uniform! Another weekend begins and I get the machine loaded up with the previous weeks wear ready for Monday morning (which will creep up before we know it) Since he started school in September I seem to be fighting the loosing battle of the uniform! I don’t know if it’s just me (or Archie) but we seem to be going through items of school clothing like underwear! Did anyone else think when their child started school they would buy a couple of sets of uniform and these would last them for the entire academic year!?

Maybe it is just my son, but so far we are on his fifth! Yes fifth pair of school shoes (will come back to that in a moment) third pack of polo shirts (I originaly brought 2 packs of 2), I’m contemplating wether to buy another pack as all the ones we have including the newer ones either have bolognaise stains on (he only seems to take his jumper off to eat lunch when it is a tomato based meal day – amazing!) Or they have been washed, vanished and tumbled so much they are developing holes and going grey, yes he does completely look like a vagabond child. I have to keep asking the teacher what he has been doing to be getting holes in literally everything in the hope I don’t look like an awful mother sending my child in looking so disheveled! Pairs 1 and 2 of school trousers, by Christmas these had gone through on the knees, I brought 2 new pairs and these are already starting to wear out. I recently brought him some school shorts for the summer term and sure enough his knees are beginning to look like his trousers! This week he had his first tumble and a bit fat purple bruise appeared on one knee! Oopsie!

(Healing nicely now – but he was feeling sorry for himself earlier this week) 

Now going back to the shoes – the shoes are just not standing the test of time one little bit. Unfortunately because Archie is extremely strong willed he would not wear the £50 pair of Clarks shoes on offer, they were ‘too ouchy’, actually they were just a properly fitted pair of shoes in comparison to the Crocs he had lived in all summer. Instead we opted for Next (I personally love next so didn’t really have a problem with getting them from there) but I did wonder if at half the price at £26 they would offer the same quality – well obviously I cant compare them to Clarks because he wouldn’t wear those shoes. Well, we got to November, at which point a large hole appeared in the front toe area! Having kept my receipt, I took them back and they kindly exchanged them for a shiny new pair. I kid you not the first day home after wearing his new pair and we had a scuff the whole width of the front of the shoe! What is this child doing at playtime? Walking on tip toes like a t-rex bearing his full weight down on his poor shoes… I’m still not sure. These shoes made it to January when I was too embarrassed to take another pair back so we opted for Asda, half the price again at £11 this time (maybe I really should have thought about this at the time) but I figured if they are advertising this footwear as ‘school wear’ it had to have some level of durability – surely!? Nope… these made it 6 weeks before a large hole right through to the inside opened up in both shoes! You guessed it… took them back, they exchanged them with no fuss, another shiny new pair. I think we got roughly about another 6 weeks before they went through again (this time even worse) but I couldn’t bring myself to take them back! It was obvious that Master Burborough was having some serious rough and tumble in his shoes. So change of tact, this time we go for good old M&S, we get a real leather pair, £30, 4 weeks in and so far so good, no scuffs or even worse holes! There is hope for the shoes yet! Needless to say come September I think we will be trying out Clarks regardless of protest.

(Check out his sorry looking shoes) 

I’m hoping by the time he starts Year One he will be more mature and just sit quietly at playtime. Yeah right! I wonder what the next school year will have in store for his poor uniform…


Positivity… #4

I wrote this the other day on my travels. I stopped off on the Southbourne overcliff, the sky was clear, the sun was shining and all I could hear were the waves crashing on the sand – bliss. I love the beach – I find it a great place for thinking, there’s something about it that makes you feel happy, I think it has something to do with the feeling of being on holiday when you visit. It does of course depend on who you go with! If I go with Archie it’s generally loud, sandy, wet and slightly chaotic but fun all the same! But today I was alone.. 

For those who know me personally you know that I’m generally a happy, positive, friendly person. Over the last few months I have had to dig deep to find positive thoughts on all aspects of my life. After Betty died apart from Archie (and Scott) it just seemed like I had nothing in me to find positivity in. Yes I know I am extremely lucky to have a healthy son who is happy, a loving husband, a roof over our heads, food on the table – and an array of other things in our lives. But somehow it didn’t seem enough, I wanted and still want Betty. But we can’t have her. Trying to get a positive outlook on life back after something this bad has happened to you is really bloody hard. 

I am very lucky that myself and Scott constantly talk – anyone who knows me will also tell you that I don’t have a problem with talking! Ha ha! And that didn’t change even in light of our situation in fact some days I talk so much about what happened, I become so passionate about the subject that I worry others will think I’m going mad – that I’m getting carried away looking for an answer that isn’t there. Hopefully one day I can share with you what I mean by that.

But getting back to my point about positivity, anyone reading this who is going through a hard time, whatever that maybe, we don’t have to have something as extreme as death happen to us to feel like life is hard. We all have our problems – some more trivial than others but to that person they feel like a big deal and we cannot measure one another’s problems by who has had the worst thing happen to them. 

Sometimes we can think of what has happened to others, like in our case, to put the importance of our own problem into perspective. But sometimes things like that don’t matter when you feel you are going through a tough time, you can’t see anyone’s pain but your own. But, if you can dig deep, take each day as it comes and try to remain positive (even tho at times that is the last thing you feel like doing) in a week, month, year from now you will look back and think WOW! That was tough but I am still standing, I got through it and I can face anything. You may have changed slightly as a person from it but that’s not always a bad thing. The things life throws at us are all lessons that enable us to learn things about ourselves or others that we perhaps couldn’t see before. I have learned who my real friends are, how amazingly strong both our families are and how much they love and care for us. How lucky I am to have a child and that me and Scott can survive anything as long as we have eachother. The rest doesn’t matter – you will never have enough money, you will always want something you don’t have and you are always looking for the next ‘big’ thing to happen, be it good or bad, this is a fact of life. But you are living it and how lucky are we to be here and have the things we have? Sometimes the best thing you can do is focus on what you have and not what you don’t, however hard, painful and unfair that may seem.


Why Betty Dora??? #3

This question is not about why we choose to have our baby girl. It is about why I decided to start this blog. To be honest in the beginning when she first died, I would lie awake at night looking for blogs, articles and information online. Some days all I could do was constantly Google things like ‘ why was my baby stillborn’ ‘how soon can I get pregnant again’ ‘when will this black cloud lift’ crazy I know, but in a strange way I found comfort to know I wasn’t the only person this had happened too. Not only did I want answers I wanted re-assurance this would never happen to me again. Of course I was never going to find that, no one can 100% tell you that it won’t. 

I trawled through newspaper articles, medical journals, chat forums – maybe I was looking in the wrong places but I couldn’t seem to find any up to date information or stories from anyone close to where I live, several were many years ago although I still found it helpful to read. I then began to lie awake everynight going through the sequence of events the night Betty died. I am not using this blog to tell people to ‘count the kicks’, Betty seemed fine to me, after all 6 hours before her death we had an ultra sound scan and although there were other concerns raised at that point there was nothing wrong with her she was fine. So night after night I lay awake thinking with so many questions in my head I had to get them out so I began to write them down – I’ve always been a bit of a list maker! I find it’s a great way when you have loads to do of making sure you don’t forget things and there’s nothing more satisfying than ticking things off your list! (Sad I know) 

I found myself writing random thoughts down, questions and other things to do with what lay ahead with the serious incident panel report and post mortem results. This was all new to me – I was in a daze, things like his don’t happen to you, you read awful stories in magazines and just never think it will be you that could be there telling your tragic story. But this time it was! It’s so crazy now looking back It still doesn’t feel like it happened to us. Sometimes now I wonder if I’m too ‘OK’ I know that sounds ridiculous but I feel good, I feel happy is this normal? (I think I have even googled that) on top of that I felt guilty for feeling happy again – I thought people would think I was a bad person, that I didn’t care or think about Betty anymore or that I was ‘over it’ although far from it, truth is I don’t think you ever get over something like that you just learn to live with it. 

So this blog.. Well I suppose it’s not only to help me get my thoughts down and share them with friends, family and strangers who may want to understand or just read out of interest. But perhaps I can provide that comfort to someone who has just started on this journey like I did 7 months ago – to let them know it’s going to be alright, you will get through it. It’s ok to laugh, cry, shout, scream, ignore people, talk to people or just do whatever feels right to get you through. It won’t feel good in the beginning, but it will feel better with time and that is the greatest gift you can give yourself, it heals, it helps things to feel better. Trust me I know. And of course if you are reading this and you want to contact me, I am no expert in ANYTHING, I am not a medical professional or councillor but I have a little understanding of what I have been through which may be similar and sometimes it just helps to not feel alone. 

Jen X

The blog after ‘the first blog’ #2 

WOW! What an absolutely amazing response I had to my thoughts! Never in a million years did I think so many would read what I had to say! Amazing! And to see that people from all over the world have started to hear about Betty is just wonderful! 

I’ve never been one for sharing pregnancy news etc on Facebook, not because I ever thought something would go wrong but I just always thought once the baby was here it was lovely to share pics and news but until that time it didn’t feel right.. Just like when she died I never took to Facebook to tell everyone as the people who knew me best knew what had happened and it felt too sad to share with everyone else.. But.. At the same time I wanted everyone to know she was here – even if she hadn’t arrived safely as we had hoped. I wanted them to see how gorgeous she was and how perfect she looked but I just felt I couldn’t do this. 

We have some beautiful pictures of her which at some point I may share – but I’m longing to put some up around the house (anyone who knows me knows I love my pics, with many a funny face and lovely posed pic dotted about our house) we don’t have any of her anywhere, it’s so hard because we havn’t shown Archie a picture of her as we felt she looked too ‘normal’ for him to understand why she didn’t come home – we explained she was too poorly to stay with us and is now in heaven but if he saw her surely he would question what was wrong, because it didn’t look like there was, she just looked asleep. 

We talk about her still most days or mention something about her, be it sometimes just as a couple or with Archie; not purposely just naturally in different conversations – we don’t prompt him to talk about her we let it come naturally from him if he wants too and when he’s old enough I hope we can share what she looked like with him and take him to her grave to show him a place we can go to remember her. 

To me 5 is too young for that now. Some may disagree but I suppose we all have to do what we feel is right in different situations – no one gives you a hand book for when things like this happen, just like when you bring your baby home – they don’t come with a manual and you question everything you do, have I fed them properly, changed, winded etc well death is similar – we never know how we will feel we all grieve in different ways, we all take different times to feel ‘normal’ again different things will trigger our individual sadness and I am learning to go with my own instincts on how to tackle questions, feelings, emotions – it’s all new, even nearly 7 months on, don’t get me wrong things feel so much better than they did – if they didn’t I don’t think I would have started to share my thoughts through this blog, but this feels like the next step in dealing with what has happened to us. And more importantly sharing that we had a baby and she was amazing and we love her like we love Archie. 

We can talk about her and others can and know that we are not going to break or burst into tears if you mention her or ask us about her – we want to acknowledge that she was here and even tho we aren’t going through all the normal first year baby milestones we still think about her everyday. I can’t say it gives me comfort to hear of other people that have gone through similar experiences, it makes me sad to know others have had to endure this journey and pain but it is comforting to know we are not alone and although I don’t know or speak to many people who have experienced this those I have who are further along their journey than me have given me great hope that there will be happy times and good things for us again. Those people (you may be reading this) know that your strength and smiles showed me that it was going to be ok! Thank you for that.. 

Jen X

First blog post #1

For so long I have wanted to write my own blog, I have never had the confidence to do it, there’s not much I have to say that people would be interested in reading. I spent much time procrastinating over what I would write about: what would people want to hear? What would they want to know about me that they would want to click and read what I had written? Never in a million years did I think this would be the subject of the illustrious ‘blog’ I never thought I would be penning what has happened to me, to my family in the last few months – its not particularly interesting, its morbid more than anything, sad, upsetting, unnerving but its true and its what happened and with a head full of thoughts I suppose this point is as good as any to start. I promise it wont all be doom and gloom I don’t know where I will go with this I may write this and nothing more, but I want to write it all the same and I hope you want to read it.

My name is Jen, I live in Bournemouth with my wonderful husband, and I have two children. My beautiful son is here very much living, gorgeous, witty, funny, confident, loud and caring, my daughter lives among the stars, she too is beautiful but I don’t know much else about her, I don’t know the colour of her eyes, the sound of her laugh or her cry. She was born but she never lived.

Betty Dora, our darling daughter was stillborn at 40 weeks and 3 days. Today exactly 7 months have passed since her due date; 13 ‘unlucky for some’, 13 has always been my lucky number. It feels like only yesterday that she came into our lives, yet it feels like she has been gone forever. In fact it almost feels like she never happened at all – everyone moves on (as do we) people tell you it will get easier with time, it does don’t get me wrong. But I still find myself sat in a quiet house when Archie is at school (not that I sit still for long) thinking I should be feeding a baby or changing a nappy. I stand in the playground trying not to look at the other babies, wondering what Betty would look like now, It feels so unfair that out of all the babies born that night I didn’t get to keep mine.

We will never truly know what happened to our little girl it will be forever a mystery, her post mortem came back ‘unexplained’, the worst part of reading the whole report wasn’t even the thought of what they had to do to get to that conclusion but it was the fact that every organ in her body was perfect, there was nothing wrong with her – how can this be? The awful fact is that 50% of all stillbirth cases are indeed ‘unexplained’. One of life’s mysteries I suppose. It seems so unfair that something so perfect, ready to start their life and live, can be taken so cruelly. The pain of loosing a child is possibly one of the worst things that can happen to any parent. Explaining to your son why their sister is never coming back from heaven is heart breaking, tragic and just damn right unfair. What a godsend that at the age of 4 life is very much what those around you make it and if mummy tells you something, nine times out of ten you listen, process and accept what you are being told. Until the next thing triggers a thought at which point you compose another tear jerking question catching her off guard.

Thank god for our beautiful boy – the dark days in the beginning were made harder and easier all at the same time for having him. Just to have to get up everyday because he was depending on us, he was looking at us for reassurance that everything was going to be ok. It is going to be okay – its life, just right now its not the life we thought we were going to have the life we had dreamed up in our heads, the plans we had made for our expanding family, with 2 children loving each other, fighting with each other, laughing with each other, crying with each other. A family photo that never happened – a bond that was never formed. You will have more children ‘they’ say – we will take even more care of you next time ‘they’ say. What about this time? How can I think of next time? I want the time that just happened, I’ve just had a baby, why would I want to think about having another one now? If my baby was living would you be telling me I can have another one now? I know people try to say the right things – sometimes I feel ok when they test them out on me, sometimes I am screaming in my head “shut – up why have you just said that to me” I never say it to them, I just process and move on.

Loosing our child will not define us, I don’t want to be the mum in the playground ‘that’s baby died’ we wont ever forget what happened to us, we will celebrate a birthday that never has a bouncy little girl in her party dress running around every year, we will wonder what would have been we will always be the family that lost their baby, but we will also be the family that through tremendous heartbreak stuck together, smiled though the tears, laughed and realised it was ok to and moved onwards and upwards never forgetting their beautiful girl who now spends her nights among the stars and her days in the rainbows (maybe cliché but it makes me smile to think this of her) and so this is where we begin…