WOW! What an absolutely amazing response I had to my thoughts! Never in a million years did I think so many would read what I had to say! Amazing! And to see that people from all over the world have started to hear about Betty is just wonderful!
I’ve never been one for sharing pregnancy news etc on Facebook, not because I ever thought something would go wrong but I just always thought once the baby was here it was lovely to share pics and news but until that time it didn’t feel right.. Just like when she died I never took to Facebook to tell everyone as the people who knew me best knew what had happened and it felt too sad to share with everyone else.. But.. At the same time I wanted everyone to know she was here – even if she hadn’t arrived safely as we had hoped. I wanted them to see how gorgeous she was and how perfect she looked but I just felt I couldn’t do this.
We have some beautiful pictures of her which at some point I may share – but I’m longing to put some up around the house (anyone who knows me knows I love my pics, with many a funny face and lovely posed pic dotted about our house) we don’t have any of her anywhere, it’s so hard because we havn’t shown Archie a picture of her as we felt she looked too ‘normal’ for him to understand why she didn’t come home – we explained she was too poorly to stay with us and is now in heaven but if he saw her surely he would question what was wrong, because it didn’t look like there was, she just looked asleep.
We talk about her still most days or mention something about her, be it sometimes just as a couple or with Archie; not purposely just naturally in different conversations – we don’t prompt him to talk about her we let it come naturally from him if he wants too and when he’s old enough I hope we can share what she looked like with him and take him to her grave to show him a place we can go to remember her.
To me 5 is too young for that now. Some may disagree but I suppose we all have to do what we feel is right in different situations – no one gives you a hand book for when things like this happen, just like when you bring your baby home – they don’t come with a manual and you question everything you do, have I fed them properly, changed, winded etc well death is similar – we never know how we will feel we all grieve in different ways, we all take different times to feel ‘normal’ again different things will trigger our individual sadness and I am learning to go with my own instincts on how to tackle questions, feelings, emotions – it’s all new, even nearly 7 months on, don’t get me wrong things feel so much better than they did – if they didn’t I don’t think I would have started to share my thoughts through this blog, but this feels like the next step in dealing with what has happened to us. And more importantly sharing that we had a baby and she was amazing and we love her like we love Archie.
We can talk about her and others can and know that we are not going to break or burst into tears if you mention her or ask us about her – we want to acknowledge that she was here and even tho we aren’t going through all the normal first year baby milestones we still think about her everyday. I can’t say it gives me comfort to hear of other people that have gone through similar experiences, it makes me sad to know others have had to endure this journey and pain but it is comforting to know we are not alone and although I don’t know or speak to many people who have experienced this those I have who are further along their journey than me have given me great hope that there will be happy times and good things for us again. Those people (you may be reading this) know that your strength and smiles showed me that it was going to be ok! Thank you for that..