Starting again.. again.. #36

19 months ago today I woke up and prepared to spend my first day without my daughter. I started the journey of a lifetime without her. A lifetime, it is so hard to explain this undefined amount of time, without the one thing you dreamed of the most. Everyday I wish I could turn back the hands of time that move so quickly leaving her further in our past. To explain a love and loss that is so fierce some days you can’t breath for it consumes you, others your ok, this is grief I guess!

It’s been 3 months but I’m finally getting my blog on again. I’m ready to write and share our journey once more. It feels right, but it hasn’t for a while which is why I’ve not been posting anything. In the depths of a night of getting up and down with my beautiful rainbow baby boy I wrote this poem… I hope if you can’t relate to it you can appreciate the words. Thank you as always lovely people for supporting, encouraging and helping us through everyday.


A breath never drawn

A birthday never sung

A life gone in an instant

A childhood never begun


A family that lost one

A space never filled

A lifetime of missed out memories

They said nothing could be done


Parents without their little girl

A brother without his sister

A picture never taken

A lifetime thinking how much we miss her


A rainbow came after

A light after our storm

A reminder good things happen

A gift in the bluest form


A family once more

A birthday with a baby

A life that starts to move again

A second chance, just maybe


As sunlight dawns we look for signs

A robin, the whitest feather

When darkness falls we look for stars

A reminder my darling, one day

A time will come

A time when we will all be together.


For Betty. Until that time. My beautiful girl.

Walk the walk… #35

When I saw the words Sprint for Stillbirth they instantly caught my eye! A subject we still don’t hear a huge amount about, why would we? Why would we want to hear about dead babies when most our friends and families have live ones, why would anyone want to know that it could go wrong? Well I am someone’s daughter, sister, niece, grand-daughter, friend, mummy. It happened to me, I’m a normal person (I think), I don’t do drugs, I don’t smoke, I only drink occasionally, I probably eat too much chocolate but on the whole I am healthy. I have had 3 healthy pregnancies, but one ended in the worse possible way. A way that hit us 100 miles per hour, a way we could never have imagined. Our baby died, she was a real person, she was fully formed she was healthy, she was Betty. 

When we told Archie we would be doing a walk for Betty to raise money for babies that were poorly like her, he thought it meant if we raised enough it would bring her back from heaven. Trying to explain this concept to a 5 year old is both heartbreaking and almost impossible.

There are some things in life we can never articulate, some things we will just never, how ever how hard we try they just don’t have a reason. This was one of those life events. An event that has changed the path of ours forever, things will never quite be the same again. We have our rainbow Vinnie now – some element of faith has been restored in our health system especially after he spent a week in intensive care, in fact after this experience I couldn’t talk more highly of them, after Betty died my biggest fear was returning to the place she was born and died, even tho technically it wasn’t their fault I had to blame someone. Faith in my body has been restored, I kept Vinnie safe. For so long, even now, some days I think I let Betty down, after all, my one job was to keep her safe and it didn’t happen. How, as a mother can you not blame yourself when your baby dies inside you? How can you, even tho everyone tells you it wasn’t your fault believe that it’s true? I thought for so many months I did something wrong. But this year I have given myself new hope, I didn’t let anyone down this time. 

So the ‘Sprint for Stillbirth’ last year it was important for me to focus on having a baby, a healthy, breathing baby that I could bring home to my son, a baby that I could look after this time, keep safe, nurture and protect. Until I had done that everything else was immaterial to me. 2016 was spent fulfilling this task and I did it. October 12th 2016 marked the birth of Vinnie Ray Burborough, our Rainbow boy who showed us we could be happy again, showed us there was hope in even the darkest of days. He will continue to remind us how precious life is, in just under a year since his sister left, he arrived, not a replacement just a beautiful gift, he has his own place in our hearts and family. Our Sunshine boy. 

2017, this year, is dedicated to other things, this years goals are to move, get a new family home and most importantly raise money for the charities that mean something to us. It is too late for Betty, for us, but there is no doubt that with fundraising and awareness we can help other families. I want to grow my blog so it can reach out and help as many people and families as possible and I will continue to write and share our journey because it is important for those who may be going through something similar or have been in the past to see that there are more of us out there, there is support, no one is alone. And if I’m honest it helps me. It helps me to get all the crap off my mind and on to the page, and I also think it helps those close to me understand what I’m feeling, understand what I’m thinking, because sometimes I find it hard to tell them or there simply isn’t the time. 

Another year has passed and the bond between me and Scott has grown stronger once more. I have held my husband so tight we have both cried silent tears, no words need to be said, we know the pain one another feels, for everyday we have lived after we walked through our front door without our baby girl, for the day he carried her for the last time in a tiny box and placed her in the ground forever, a permanent reminder that she was not ours to keep. For the day we found out we were going to have another son, from the day we walked through our front door with him, for everyday we struggle at the moment with this thing called life that is bloody hard, I am proud to have him by my side, I would be nothing without him and ultimately he is the only person who feels the pain I do – we lost the same thing, a part of each of us, we feel the same deep feeling of sometimes despair, more than often love but most frequently thankfulness that we have two healthy beautiful sons to call our own. 

So today we walked, we walked for all we have lost, all we have gained and all we will achieve in the future. Betty, life without you will never quite be the same but it will be the closest to normal that we can make it, everyday we live our lives thinking of you, remembering the day we met and the day we said goodbye to you. Your little life will mean something we will make sure of that and your brothers will grow up knowing just how special you and they are to us. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who walked, donated and has taken the time to wish us luck today. It may not mean much to some, but those who walk beside us in person and in thought know your support and love not only got us through today but has continued to get us through everyday since October 17th 2015 and everyday that lies ahead and we can never put into words how much it means to us.

So thank you, just thank you. And remember where there is love there is always hope. We have the love, the hope and good things I’m beginning to learn do happen. Just look at today, we did it, we have done it, we are still here, still smiling. And today a few more people know about Betty than yesterday, my one wish is that that continues to happen every single day. 

Peace out 👊🏼


Where there is Love there is hope… #34

Throughout our journey towards our rainbow the thing I was most excited about was Archie becoming a big brother. Having spent the first 5 years of his life with just mummy and daddy and not having to share us, although I knew it would be a big change for him, for us all, I also knew the splendour he would bring to that role was going to be amazing! 

In the beginning he was to be a big brother to a little sister, do you like the name ‘Betsy’ I asked him one day long before we knew she was actually going to be a sister, “yes, I love the name Betty, let’s call the baby Betty mummy” and to that she got her name – I still think that if she had in fact been a boy her nickname would still have been Betty, not quite sure how that one would of panned out tho with our end result! 

And then there was Vinnie, those who have been following my blog for some time will remember the days when he was our Sunshine! Another great story! I took archie to the 20 week scan, just me and him. I wasn’t sure what to feel, I was scared if this baby was a girl would they share the same fate as Betty, or would I actually get the daughter I still dreamed of or if they were a boy would I feel disappointment or sadness because of what I had already lost. I knew that having Archie with me would help, when the little willy popped up on the screen (there was no mistaking it) I told Archie, your going to have a brother – “but I wanted a sister” he told us, I told him he had a sister to which his reply was “yes but she’s in heaven” cue my tears. So.. Sunshine, how did it come about? We went for a cheeky Nando’s lunch after the scan and I asked him if he would like to give his brother a nickname like he had with Betty. At the beginning of my pregnancy I had decided we wouldn’t give this baby a name or nickname just incase, but that would of been ok if it was just me and Scott, but I felt Archie needed this – he needed to be involved, he was going through this too – he needed to be included in decisions and know that this time it was going to be ok (even tho in my mind I still wasn’t sure it was going to be) so he looked outside, saw a car with a sun air freshener hanging in the window and said “mummy, let’s call him Sunshine” and thus he became our sunshine, to be honest it couldn’t have been a more apt name for our little rainbow. 
Regardless of the gender brother or sister, I knew Archie was going to be the best big bro! To date he had always been so good with friends babies and they always seem to be drawn to him, and he is so loving and patient with them. He has a little cousin who he absolutely adores and is already like his little bro so I knew this was going to be special, having a little person of his own. 

Nothing could have prepared me for what this was going to be like, the bond between 2 siblings, I don’t think I realised just how beautiful it would really be. The first person Vinnie will smile for in the morning is Archie, they sit in the back of the car and even if Vinnie is screaming, Archie will hold his hand to make him feel safe. When they lie on the bed together and Archie is watching his iPad Vinnie’s eyes will alternate between the screen and looking at his big brother, the bond is there, naturally, it was almost instant. I still have to pinch myself when I look at these two little people that we made, with their beautiful big eyes that could melt a thousand hearts, little men in the making who are looking to us for direction as they grow everyday, brothers, who I hope will have a bond for a lifetime, long after we have gone they will have each other, always. 

My one wish for my boys is that they never have to have heartache (I know they will) but I hope I can be there always to protect and love them, my biggest fear is something happening to either of them, as I’m sure is every parents. Since loosing Betty these boys are even more important to me, along with their daddy they are the 3 people who keep me going everyday, get me up out of bed to face the world and live. 

My wonderful Sunshine boys, you make me happy when skies are grey, you will never know my darlings how much I love you, mummy will always be there for you every single day. 

Jen X

Our last day… #33

It’s been a while since I wrote an awful lot about Betty. I know Vinnie is here and it’s amazing of course to be able to write about him and Archie and my hopes and dreams for my family. But I can’t forget how we got here – after all my blog is named after her, it was born out of her loss so to speak. Betty Dora Burborough, born on the 17th October at 8.30pm weighing 9lb 7oz. I had to write that as I had started to forget things, my worst fear, forgetting. So, as I sat here and thought about my darling it took me back to our last day together. It was a Friday I don’t have a clue what I did that day, all I can remember is how it ended. From 4pm, arriving at the hospital for a scan, they were running late, but she was fine, she was fine then at 4.30pm ish! She was alive and well. We were told she was going to be an estimated weight of 10lb 7oz and there was a lot of fluid around her so we would be booked in that evening for an induction. I had spent so long waiting for her that I was almost in disbelief that in a day or 2 or maybe even that night we would have our little girl.

We did but not in the way we ever imagined.

I never thought we would ever have a daughter – for some reason I had only ever imagined us with boys I was shocked at the 20 week scan when they said she was a girl. I can now whole heartedly say that I don’t think we will ever have another girl. We would like to have a 3rd baby, at the moment I don’t know if I can go through that journey again yet. But I don’t think we will ever have a living daughter, I just don’t think it will happen. I know I have one but she’s not physically here, I don’t know what she would of looked like, what her personality would of been like, I don’t know her, I won’t ever know her.

I have this picture the only picture I have of her still here, the last picture of her alive in my tummy, and then I have this one of her cold, lifeless in my arms, in a way no mother should ever have to hold their child.

I suppose it’s easy to think that like us, when you get your Rainbow it all gets better – don’t get me wrong things feel easier. But some days when your tired, the kids are crying, everyone is ill, your trying to hold everything together for everyone, having lost your baby is the hardest thing, mainly because your mind is so fragile already small things can push you to a point and it’s hard, it all comes back – everything feels hard, the hurt, the pain, the loss comes back it hits you smack in the face either when you know it’s going to happen you feel it or sometimes out of the blue.

Words cannot describe how unbelievably lucky and honoured I feel to be on my motherhood journey again with Vinnie, the one I travelled without Betty to get him was hard, but I am so proud that I did it, I didn’t choose this path but from day one I took a deep breath negated the storm and I found my rainbow. Our life isn’t perfect, we still feel the pain, life is moving, we are living and things are changing for us again. I am happy, excited for what lies ahead. But I will never forget the road I took to get here – maybe one day I will be on it again, I’m not ready yet, but I don’t mind taking it because if we don’t take a chance in life we will never know if what feels impossible is indeed possible. Now I know it is (possible that is) I’m not afraid to take that chance again – but for now I am bobbing along with my beautiful boys, Betty I hope you are following us because without you there would of been no story, no journey, no hope. I know you are there my darling I see you in little things. One day we will all be together again, until that day know we love and miss you our beautiful baby girl. Your spirit shines through in these wonderful boys, your big and little brothers, they will always know you, love you, remember you. My sunshine and my rainbow you get me through everyday 💙

Without hope we would do nothing, without fear we would do everything. I rode the storm with both in mind and I can whole heartedly say it was worth it, it wasn’t easy but nothing worth having ever is…


I want a boring year *shouts* I WANT A BORING YEAR… #32

On thinking about the year that has gone before us and the year that lies ahead I wanted to reflect on some positive things that we have to be thankful for this past year. The bad stuff is immaterial, It’s the good stuff that will continue to strengthen us. So here goes… (they aren’t in any particular order) 

1. We got pregnant

2. We had Vinnie

3. Archie started swimming lessons

4. Archie can swim 

5. Scott started a new job 

6. Scott got an even better job 

7. I was fully booked with work 

8. Archie turned 5

9. Betty turned 1 

10. My granny turned 90 

11. Vinnie smiled

12. Archie ate an apple 🍎and has continued to eat one EVERYDAY (anyone who knows us knows this is a great thing) 

13. I had a birthday 

14. Scott had a birthday

15. We had an amazing holiday abroad 

16. We carried on living in our beautiful home

17. Both sets of our parents continued to love and support us throughout the year 

18. Vinnie is growing

19. Archie is growing

20. Me and Scott need to loose weight as we have been growing too 🤣

21. We have some beautiful friends who continue to be there for us

22. We love each other 

23. Betty continues to be talked about

24. Archie learnt to read fluently 

25. We celebrated Vinnie’s first Christmas.

These are just some of the highlights of the year, my little list – I wanted to focus on all the positive things that have happened this year – there have, as many who follow my blog know, been some less positive things but these don’t matter anymore because they have passed. We are here and we are growing as a family and things are pretty damn good, we have hard days, as everyone does but we are so lucky to be here and have our health and love for each other. 

So my first step for 2017, be more positive, anyone who knows me knows that generally I am that type of person! Some of my blog may come across as sad and negative but this is mainly because when I write a lot of it is what’s in my head, how I’m feeling at a particular moment in time and not how I am all day everyday. Writing all that stuff down helps me to focus and move on. But, I know a positive mind is a happy one, the bad times are behind us and the good times are ahead now. 

I am declaring right here, right now, for all to read that I want a BORING year! Yes, a plain, simple, boring 2017. I want to watch my big boy grow, watch my little one hit his milestones. I want to continue loving my husband, living in my home, doing my housework, cooking the dinner, going to work, changing nappies, wiping bums, doing the food shop, going to bed, getting up in the night, getting up in the morning, doing the school run, enjoying the sunshine, complaining about the rain, complaining about the school run, asking Archie to hurry up and put his coat/shoes on, asking Archie to tidy up his toys, tidying up Archie’s toys as he never listens to me! All the mundane, everyday things, that actually deep down I love because they mean life is happening, everything is ok and things are just normal. This year I don’t want drama, I just want to live, calmly and peacefully. I will take nothing for granted and be happy to do all these things every single day as my family grows. In one years time I want to write to you all again and report just that ⬆️

I wish everyone of my friends and family a prosperous 2017. To all those who follow our family and like, share, send messages and comments of support know it is appreciated and always provides comfort and the knowledge that we can get through everything life throws at us. 

I can’t wait to watch Betty’s bro’s grow and flourish this year and I hope you will join us for the journey. Of course I wish she was here, but we’ve been through that one. Her name will live on through my blog and my boys that much I know and am so proud of. 2017 I welcome you with open arms, my pages are blank I’m ready to write a new story. 


I want a boring year. That is all. 


Betty’s Bro’s… #31

This morning Archie asked me what I thought Betty would look like. Out of the blue I didn’t see it coming. *sob* I said she would probably look like Vinnie…. what else could I say?  I couldn’t tell him I know? As I look at Vinnie I can see Betty more than I ever have done before. It makes me feel sad, not because I’m looking at him but because I am once again reminded of how it feels to have lost her and still be without her. Over a year has past now – so much has happened, we have Vinnie but It’s bitter sweet. The question from Archie makes me wonder what he thinks about, should we show him a picture of Betty? Hubby thinks no for now – I’m unsure. This Christmas we think of our baby girl, as we watch our boys get to know each other and learn to love one another. The festive period although wonderful when you have little ones is also a hard time for those alone, going through tough times or those who are without their loved ones be it over seas or in heaven. Although this year has had more highs than lows for us, it has still been hard, it has been emotional but it has been mainly happy. Christmas provides a time for us all to enjoy but also think and reflect on what we may not have. We are doing all we can to make the Christmas holidays as special as we can for our lovely Archie, he’s been so patient these last few months, loving and caring and just his very beautiful self. I need to remember that he lost Betty too – but he doesn’t show sadness like we do he just always reminds me whenever I say ‘the 4 of us’ that there are ‘5 of us’ and whatever we do Betty is there too! He is just so amazing I don’t think I could of asked for him to have accepted things as well as he has. He kept writing her name in our Christmas cards – I don’t think we should be putting her name in our cards etc tho but he obviously just thinks of her as one of the family (which she is) so in his mind her name should be there. But it just doesn’t feel right to do it. I feel so awful to say that. 

I think the hardest thing, I’m sure I have spoken of this before is ‘acceptance’ accepting what has happened to you because it has happened there is no changing it. It is done there is no second chance. Although maybe Vinnie is our second chance, twice this week I have been asked ‘is he your first?’ I always answer no he’s my second. As soon as I say it I think of her, why don’t I just say no he’s my third? But then I have to get into the conversation of what happened to Betty and let’s face it who wants to know that on a fleeting meeting with a stranger. It’s not that I don’t want people to know about her but sometimes it’s just easier to not talk about her to people I don’t know. 

If I think for too long I then come onto the matter of if Betty hadn’t of died we wouldn’t have Vinnie, so so hard to comprehend. But, it’s the truth if she was here I really don’t think we would of been thinking of another baby so soon after. Then the guilt comes back. Last night after Archie had gone to bed myself and Scott had a toast over a drink we both looked at our baby boy and cried tears of joy and sadness, joy that we are blessed to watch him grow, hold him in our arms, sadness that Betty never got that chance, we miss her. We miss her so very much. These last few weeks, we have had colds, coughs, ear aches, mastitis (again), injections, sickness bugs and a growth spurt. All things that make having more than one child even trickier especially when one is a new baby. When Archie had horrendous ear ache I was torn as all he wanted was me to cuddle him but Vinnie needed feeding and I just couldn’t do both, Archie had to wait as he often does at the moment because Vinnie’s Needs are usually more urgent he is the baby! I felt so awful! Scott and I tag teamed and tried to do the best we could, but it still didn’t seem enough. I hate to say it but I think I will be glad to see the back of winter! Ha ha! I have told you before I am never satisfied! I am looking forward to welcoming spring, even if it does mean my baby will be older and no longer a newborn, my big baby will be even older again and nearly ending his second year at school and my middle baby who remains among the stars will simply be becoming even more of a memory, I have to embrace all that life throws our way. Each stage we go through now, each sickness, each tough day will never compare to the utter devastation of the day we lost you Betty, I know that as we go about our daily lives no challenge will ever (god forbid) be as bad as that day when you left us. I know that I am able to take on the world, I survived loosing you even though at the time I didn’t know how I would get through the first week let alone the first year. 

As your brothers grow and become the best of friends know that I will always look at them and think of you in the middle where you should be, for you will always be our little Betty Dora, no one can replace or be you. Vinnie is just the first step in a long road to patching up our broken hearts. They can only ever be patched, never fixed for you can never fix the heart of someone who has lost something so precious. But patching will do us just fine, we can deal with that.

As we enjoyed our Christmas Day just the four of us, Vinnie waking to feed then falling back to sleep – Archie singing to himself in between watching Harry Potter and opening and playing with all his new toys (as I watched in fear that he might cut his fingers off as he insists he can deal with all the obscene packaging using scissors) we thought of you, when we sat to the table we looked to the space where you should be and we thought of you for there has never nor will there ever be a day when we don’t think of you my darling.  We already smile, we laugh, we live, but we will never move on completely without you. But we will be the best that we can be until we are with you again. And your brothers will always know about their Betty Dora. 5 is the best number. And you were number 4. 


Christmas kisses #30

This evening I managed to escape the house for just over an hour of peace and quiet. I love my beauties to pieces but it’s been another full on week and Scott had his work xmas party last night and he doesn’t work in Bournemouth so he stayed in a hotel last night and didn’t get back until late this avo and I was already at a birthday party with Archie (and Vinnie of course) it actually turned out to be fine with both of them. I know Archie fends for himself really but sometimes I find things like that quite tricky on my own. Luckily anything I have done so far there is always a lovely mummy friend on hand to help with anything! 

Anyway.. so after returning to a hungover daddy I fed Vinnie and left the boys to pop to the supermarket – I know it’s weird that going to the supermarket on your own is heaven! But Sainsbury’s have some AMAZING Christmas clothes etc and I spent an hour or so in there browsing every aisle! Woo hoo! And I got the most amazing Christmas hat for Archie’s Xmas hat day at school! Pic will follow in coming weeks of him wearing it! Although because we will probably laugh when he puts it on I expect he will refuse to wear it as he hates it if people laugh at him! 

I also got the boys their Christmas pjs and I managed to get them almost identical! These will be delivered by our Elf in the next couple of days so that they actually get a chance to wear them a couple of times in the lead up to the big day. I always do a Christmas Eve box for Archie and put pjs in, but I’m not sure why I’ve done that as really Christmas Eve is too late to get them as once Christmas has passed it seems a bit silly to wear them! I tried to get our Christmas tree on the way home, we get it from one of our local pubs but they weren’t there – to be honest I don’t blame them as it’s so cold this evening. So I will go out in the morning, Scott would go but I won’t let him as I have serious tree OCD so if he came home with the wrong shape/height I would be in a serious grump! 

My journey home from tree mission saw me drive passed the crematorium where Betty is, it was so strange as the gates were all locked up (I think if they had been open I would of popped to see her) soon as I passed I felt myself start to cry – I stared to think of her and I felt guilty. I haven’t thought of her as much as I usually do lately, I feel bad to say that. Things have been so hectic with Archie and Vinnie my time has been so consumed with both of them and it’s good because when I was pregnant I had so much time to think and all I could think about was if Vinnie would meet the same end as her it almost consumed me. Now I am consumed by my boys which is amazing but when I stop and think about her again I can’t help but feel that guilt for not giving her as much of my head space. 

I know I have to move forward and to be honest it’s nice to have a break from all the feelings of the last year. I love my baby girl so much but I have to enjoy my boys because they are my everything. When I got home Scott was laid on the sofa with both of them asleep on him it melted my heart and made me feel so happy to have them but sad that she isn’t here to share the fun. We are moving forward as a family, but every step, every day leaves her a bit further in our past. Such a hard and sad thing to have to do. I know we have to, the hardest thing is having to deal with a decision you didn’t make for yourself. I couldn’t imagine our life now without Vinnie or Betty I don’t regret either of them, but I just wish we could of kept them both. But I am so thankful we have our baby boy and not a day will pass when I won’t plant a kiss on his beautiful face and think of my gorgeous girl. Tomorrow we will put our tree up and her ornament will take pride of place on it so that not a day goes by this festive season that we don’t think of her and try to smile and remember how truly lucky we are.


Finding time #29

Many of you who are regular readers of my blog will know I have spent the last year wishing time away and now I want it to SLOW DOWN! (Clearly I am just never satisfied) Vinnie is 7 weeks old now! Eek! He’s changing quickly from that scrunched up sleepy new born to an alert little babe. Although he still sleeps a lot, actually scrap that at the moment he doesn’t seem to sleep much (we are in the midst of some growth spurting kinda phase) but when he’s had a feed he still gets all drunk and floppy and has a really cute what we call ‘moley’ face. I could just cuddle him all day he sleeps so soundly on my chest I love it. I am trying to make the most of this time as I know how quickly he will begin to become more independent (although it will be a long time before he is completely independent) he is going to need me for a long time yet, which is amazing but at the same time at the moment it’s quite over whelming. 
I have this little babe who relies on no one else but me. The last few weeks have been tough I’ve been ill, Archie has been ill, Vinnie has been ill and Scott is tired and stressed with work and everything going on at home! I’m so happy that Vinnie is here but slightly stressed by a collection of different things that keep being thrown in our direction. It is of course life and I am trudging on. I’m just waiting for a time when I don’t have a list of a million things to do, no one is ill, I am on top of things and life feels normal. Let’s face it that’s not going to happen but I can hope! It didn’t help that Sunday saw us get burgled. Well I say burgled, but they didn’t actually take anything (that I can see at the moment) but they broke in through our front door and went straight into our bedroom pulling out all our drawers and wardrobes. It’s unnerving to think that someone could be that bold as to waltz right in and have a good rummage! Awful low life’s who ever they are. 

Anyway getting back to the baby.. I think I need to remind myself that I only have a 7 week old and be a bit kinder on myself but when your used to being organised and getting things done then all of a sudden you can’t do all those things I almost feel a bit out of control, but Im learning to accept I can only do so much and I just have to face the fact that whilst he is still so young everything can wait. (I would love a cleaner tho!) ha ha! I’m also 5 years out of this baby game – I am doing fine with getting up in the night, I thought that would be hard but it’s not. It’s more learning to juggle 2 little people who need you and the guilt that one has to wait for you (usually Archie at the moment) I know all mothers go through this it’s nothing new. But to me it is. I also find Christmas as well as a time of fun and festivities the build up until I am sorted on the shopping front, hectic. I always have a million things in my head of what I need to buy, wrap, post etc. Until it gets to the stage where all is done us mummy’s can’t relax completely. (Well I can’t) 
I know all I am experiencing is nothing any other mother hasn’t gone through. But I forgot how tricky these first few months are. You are trying to get into a routine, getting to know your baby and learning that this teeny little person will do what they want and a lot of the routine is out of your control. I know this will all pass as everything does. I am also reminding myself how lost I felt this time last year when I was without Betty. I must embrace the highs and lows because I haven’t forgotten how bad it felt to not be experiencing any of this. 

So ho ho ho Happy 1st of December – may it be kind to everyone whatever your circumstance. There is a lot of pressure to feel you should enjoy this time of year, but don’t be afraid to not. If you don’t that’s ok. I know last year that was me – I am not afraid to say I refused to enjoy it I didn’t want to. I had no desire to party, celebrate or embrace any type of Christmas spirit. However this year I am going to make up for our darkest times and make it super special for my darling Archie. I don’t think he noticed any difference but I want to make it extra special by really sharing his enjoyment after not being in the right head space last year. And of course we are celebrating little Vinnie’s first Christmas. They have almost matching Christmas jumpers! I am very excited about these! No doubt pics will be appearing as part of #blogmas. So go forth and enjoy if you can lovely people, we only get one shot at this. Next year we will be a year older and things will be different again. Be it your family logistics, a new job, new house who knows, at present 2017 is still some time away. So for now HAPPY Christmas 2016. It’s going to be a good one for the Burbs’. I think after everything we deserve it. 


Growing #28

Well they say that babies/children grow quickly (after all I have Archie so I know this is true) but oh my goodness they really truly do! I can’t believe Vinnie is 4 weeks old already! I don’t know where those weeks have gone. Actually I do! They’ve passed in an all encompassing mound of poo, sick and breastfeeding coupled with all nighters and learning how our newest little Burborough ticks. Yes the baby stage is probably the easiest but I’m not going to lie it’s been hard work, tied in with illness, a working husband and crazy 5 year old and not the best start for our little Vinnie it’s been tough. But it has also been amazing. Let’s not forget we have been waiting for this chance, this moment for a long time now. The worry of being pregnant is but a distant memory now, and we have our baby to care for and protect. 

I haven’t had much chance to blog lately – before he arrived I thought I would sit at night feeding and writing but actually what an idiot I am as I can barely keep my eyes open! How did I ever think that would happen! You quickly get wrapped up in the baby life and as I begin to think about being tired/ having too much washing/ not having a moment to myself, I pinch myself and remind me of the bleak place we were in this time last year. As I sit on the same sofa with my beautiful boys I can remember all too clearly the feeling of loss, sadness and grief I felt then. I still feel sad – the pain of loosing Betty is still there but right now it is being dulled by being busy caring for our baby boy and big boy. I knew deep down we would get our chance to be parents again but obviously there was naturally always going to be that bit of doubt and fear there. But now we have him finally, I look back through this year and wonder how we did it, but feel incredibly proud of how far we have come. We have taken on the world – had the most shit we could have thrown at us and we are standing, we are stronger than ever and the love we have for each other, our boys, our girl and our families is stronger than ever. 

I am beginning to look forward to Christmas, last year it was the worst thing I could imagine. I did not want to celebrate it, I did not want to think about it and I didn’t want it to happen. But like always we took it head on, we did it for Archie, but it didn’t feel like a celebration it felt like the worst possible reminder of what we had lost, a celebration that couldn’t be because it was not how we had spent the year envisaging it would be with Archie, our family and our beautiful girl, her first Christmas, instead it marked the beginning of our first Christmas without her. The first of many that every year will be added to. But this year will be different, it will be our second without Betty but our first with Vinnie and I want it to be as amazing as I have imagined it – I can’t wait to spoil Archie, drink mulled drinks, party with our friends, get together with our family and celebrate how we should have last year. 

We are never going to forget Betty, Vinnie has not replaced her – but he has helped to heal our breaking hearts. Her loss will always be there, the sadness still comes but I am forever thankful that her loss meant we could have him. It’s such an odd feeling because ultimately if she was here it would undoubtedly mean we wouldn’t of had him now at this point, but I couldn’t imagine life without him now. You feel so much love and happiness for your rainbow but so much sadness for your baby that came before to give you that rainbow. It’s not really something you can easily put into words, it doesn’t need to be said but I’m sure anyone reading even if they have never gone through something like this can imagine the feelings it involves. 

So life continues like it has done for the last year, we are now past our first major milestone, Betty’s 1st birthday – we didn’t commemorate it like I had planned as Vinnie was in hospital but he came out of intensive care on her birthday and if ever there was ever a sign she is watching over her little brother this was undoubtedly it. Loosing Betty and getting Vinnie will be my constant reminder to appreciate everything life has to offer me, it’s so easy to become complacent and get lost in life and take things for granted. Even I am guilty of this, but for me Betty is my constant reminder of how precious life is, hers was taken so quickly, so cruelly, there’s a fine line between life and death – morbid I know but it’s true. We have to take every day as if it’s our last – this does not mean be reckless and make rash, silly decisions but enjoy everyday, be the best person you can be for that day – for the next will arrive and we start again remembering our health is the greatest gift. I will continue to be the best wife and mummy I can be. Life is hard but there are rewards to be had, finally I am starting to regain some faith in humanity, we have been blessed I will not take that for granted. My sunshine is here and my star shines brightly in the sky. Archie, Betty and Vinnie I am so proud to be your mummy. 

Good old fashioned time #27

As I looked around me this morning at all the other incubators with the teenies in I know Vinnie is probably one of the biggest babes in there, I’m sure there are others a lot sicker than him. But I just can’t see an end to this at the moment. We are stuck in a limbo where every hour is important and every minute something could change. All the staff seem very relaxed in there although after all they do it day in, day out so they are used to it. It is a bit daunting tho with all the bleeps and machines and our baby boy just lies there sleeping, occasionally the odd little cry will leap out, maybe he’s in pain? The canular in his tiny hand looks so sore but I know it’s needed to help him get better. 

So what do they think is wrong? Well initially when he was born he was very grunty and his chest was caving in with his breathing, at first the midwife said he was fine but I could see he was struggling almost as if he was trying to clear his throat. After a few minutes she could see he wasn’t quite right so she called one of the baby doctors to take a look at him. We had a cuddle for about 10 minutes before they came and then they decided to admit him so Scott went with him to intensive care. I had to stay for the joy of being stitched up and then everyone left the room and I was left with no baby, no husband and just in shock. I called my mum and dad (they left straight away to get to us) 

I had to wait for them to get a wheelchair (and some tea and toast) so they could take me up to see him, seeing him for the first time was heart breaking, my initial elation of the fact he was actually alive was now clouded by the fact he was poorly and there was something wrong here and once again maybe we would not be getting our baby that we have waited all this time for. Initially they thought because he arrived very speedily he hadn’t had time to clear the fluid from his lungs and therefor that was causing him the difficulty breathing. Instantly he was started on antibiotics incase there was an infection present. The consultant who saw him this morning has said he suspects there is fluid present although it is hard to tell from the x-ray and although he is a good weight, the fact he was born slightly early may mean his lungs have not matured properly yet and just need help. 

So for now we wait – the nurse in charge said this baby needs “good old fashioned time” that thing time again! We have waited this long for him I know we can wait a little longer, but I haven’t even held him yet as they have said he needs to have minimal interference so he can rest and concentrate on his breathing and I know that the hospital are going to kick me out soon. The thought of leaving this place once again without my baby is horrible, I can’t do it again but I know that I may have to. But I also know that overnight or maybe even over the course of a day he could improve and get better it really is such a waiting game. One I have to accept but not that I am keen to play. But I will because I don’t have a choice. So many things I have had to accept this last year and I suppose this is just another one of them, but at least he is here – even if we can’t take him home yet. And with them watching over him 24/7 nothing can or will happen to him. 

I pray that Betty is keeping him safe watching over him, I pray we will be a family soon and I can pass my days cuddling my precious boy. Every baby is special, a gift, but this little Sunshine is just that little bit more special and nothing can happen to him because that would just be unimaginable. Every day whilst I lie here in this bed the sun shines through the window, a sign I think that there will be better things to come for us and that we will be bringing our boy home soon. The gift of time is free and one we should cherish rather than rush. No matter how long he needs as long as he is ok in the end that’s all that matters. Keep going Vinnie we have so much love to give you, we just need you to get better first.