Month: January 2017

It’s been a while since I wrote an awful lot about Betty. I know Vinnie is here and it’s amazing of course to be able to write about him and Archie and my hopes and dreams for my family. But I can’t forget how we got here – after all my blog is named after her, it was born out of her loss so to speak. Betty Dora Burborough, born on the 17th October at 8.30pm weighing 9lb 7oz. I had to write that as I had started to forget things, my worst fear, forgetting. So, as I sat here and thought about my darling it took me back to our last day together. It was a Friday I don’t have a clue what I did that day, all I can remember is how it ended. From 4pm, arriving at the hospital for a scan, they were running late, but she was fine, she was fine then at 4.30pm ish! She was alive and well. We were told she was going to be an estimated weight of 10lb 7oz and there was a lot of fluid around her so we would be booked in that evening for an induction. I had spent so long waiting for her that I was almost in disbelief that in a day or 2 or maybe even that night we would have our little girl.

We did but not in the way we ever imagined.

I never thought we would ever have a daughter – for some reason I had only ever imagined us with boys I was shocked at the 20 week scan when they said she was a girl. I can now whole heartedly say that I don’t think we will ever have another girl. We would like to have a 3rd baby, at the moment I don’t know if I can go through that journey again yet. But I don’t think we will ever have a living daughter, I just don’t think it will happen. I know I have one but she’s not physically here, I don’t know what she would of looked like, what her personality would of been like, I don’t know her, I won’t ever know her.

I have this picture the only picture I have of her still here, the last picture of her alive in my tummy, and then I have this one of her cold, lifeless in my arms, in a way no mother should ever have to hold their child.

I suppose it’s easy to think that like us, when you get your Rainbow it all gets better – don’t get me wrong things feel easier. But some days when your tired, the kids are crying, everyone is ill, your trying to hold everything together for everyone, having lost your baby is the hardest thing, mainly because your mind is so fragile already small things can push you to a point and it’s hard, it all comes back – everything feels hard, the hurt, the pain, the loss comes back it hits you smack in the face either when you know it’s going to happen you feel it or sometimes out of the blue.

Words cannot describe how unbelievably lucky and honoured I feel to be on my motherhood journey again with Vinnie, the one I travelled without Betty to get him was hard, but I am so proud that I did it, I didn’t choose this path but from day one I took a deep breath negated the storm and I found my rainbow. Our life isn’t perfect, we still feel the pain, life is moving, we are living and things are changing for us again. I am happy, excited for what lies ahead. But I will never forget the road I took to get here – maybe one day I will be on it again, I’m not ready yet, but I don’t mind taking it because if we don’t take a chance in life we will never know if what feels impossible is indeed possible. Now I know it is (possible that is) I’m not afraid to take that chance again – but for now I am bobbing along with my beautiful boys, Betty I hope you are following us because without you there would of been no story, no journey, no hope. I know you are there my darling I see you in little things. One day we will all be together again, until that day know we love and miss you our beautiful baby girl. Your spirit shines through in these wonderful boys, your big and little brothers, they will always know you, love you, remember you. My sunshine and my rainbow you get me through everyday 💙

Without hope we would do nothing, without fear we would do everything. I rode the storm with both in mind and I can whole heartedly say it was worth it, it wasn’t easy but nothing worth having ever is…

Jen.

On thinking about the year that has gone before us and the year that lies ahead I wanted to reflect on some positive things that we have to be thankful for this past year. The bad stuff is immaterial, It’s the good stuff that will continue to strengthen us. So here goes… (they aren’t in any particular order) 

1. We got pregnant

2. We had Vinnie

3. Archie started swimming lessons

4. Archie can swim 

5. Scott started a new job 

6. Scott got an even better job 

7. I was fully booked with work 

8. Archie turned 5

9. Betty turned 1 

10. My granny turned 90 

11. Vinnie smiled

12. Archie ate an apple 🍎and has continued to eat one EVERYDAY (anyone who knows us knows this is a great thing) 

13. I had a birthday 

14. Scott had a birthday

15. We had an amazing holiday abroad 

16. We carried on living in our beautiful home

17. Both sets of our parents continued to love and support us throughout the year 

18. Vinnie is growing

19. Archie is growing

20. Me and Scott need to loose weight as we have been growing too 🤣

21. We have some beautiful friends who continue to be there for us

22. We love each other 

23. Betty continues to be talked about

24. Archie learnt to read fluently 

25. We celebrated Vinnie’s first Christmas.

These are just some of the highlights of the year, my little list – I wanted to focus on all the positive things that have happened this year – there have, as many who follow my blog know, been some less positive things but these don’t matter anymore because they have passed. We are here and we are growing as a family and things are pretty damn good, we have hard days, as everyone does but we are so lucky to be here and have our health and love for each other. 

So my first step for 2017, be more positive, anyone who knows me knows that generally I am that type of person! Some of my blog may come across as sad and negative but this is mainly because when I write a lot of it is what’s in my head, how I’m feeling at a particular moment in time and not how I am all day everyday. Writing all that stuff down helps me to focus and move on. But, I know a positive mind is a happy one, the bad times are behind us and the good times are ahead now. 

I am declaring right here, right now, for all to read that I want a BORING year! Yes, a plain, simple, boring 2017. I want to watch my big boy grow, watch my little one hit his milestones. I want to continue loving my husband, living in my home, doing my housework, cooking the dinner, going to work, changing nappies, wiping bums, doing the food shop, going to bed, getting up in the night, getting up in the morning, doing the school run, enjoying the sunshine, complaining about the rain, complaining about the school run, asking Archie to hurry up and put his coat/shoes on, asking Archie to tidy up his toys, tidying up Archie’s toys as he never listens to me! All the mundane, everyday things, that actually deep down I love because they mean life is happening, everything is ok and things are just normal. This year I don’t want drama, I just want to live, calmly and peacefully. I will take nothing for granted and be happy to do all these things every single day as my family grows. In one years time I want to write to you all again and report just that ⬆️

I wish everyone of my friends and family a prosperous 2017. To all those who follow our family and like, share, send messages and comments of support know it is appreciated and always provides comfort and the knowledge that we can get through everything life throws at us. 

I can’t wait to watch Betty’s bro’s grow and flourish this year and I hope you will join us for the journey. Of course I wish she was here, but we’ve been through that one. Her name will live on through my blog and my boys that much I know and am so proud of. 2017 I welcome you with open arms, my pages are blank I’m ready to write a new story. 

But,

I want a boring year. That is all. 

Jen