Growing #28

Well they say that babies/children grow quickly (after all I have Archie so I know this is true) but oh my goodness they really truly do! I can’t believe Vinnie is 4 weeks old already! I don’t know where those weeks have gone. Actually I do! They’ve passed in an all encompassing mound of poo, sick and breastfeeding coupled with all nighters and learning how our newest little Burborough ticks. Yes the baby stage is probably the easiest but I’m not going to lie it’s been hard work, tied in with illness, a working husband and crazy 5 year old and not the best start for our little Vinnie it’s been tough. But it has also been amazing. Let’s not forget we have been waiting for this chance, this moment for a long time now. The worry of being pregnant is but a distant memory now, and we have our baby to care for and protect. 

I haven’t had much chance to blog lately – before he arrived I thought I would sit at night feeding and writing but actually what an idiot I am as I can barely keep my eyes open! How did I ever think that would happen! You quickly get wrapped up in the baby life and as I begin to think about being tired/ having too much washing/ not having a moment to myself, I pinch myself and remind me of the bleak place we were in this time last year. As I sit on the same sofa with my beautiful boys I can remember all too clearly the feeling of loss, sadness and grief I felt then. I still feel sad – the pain of loosing Betty is still there but right now it is being dulled by being busy caring for our baby boy and big boy. I knew deep down we would get our chance to be parents again but obviously there was naturally always going to be that bit of doubt and fear there. But now we have him finally, I look back through this year and wonder how we did it, but feel incredibly proud of how far we have come. We have taken on the world – had the most shit we could have thrown at us and we are standing, we are stronger than ever and the love we have for each other, our boys, our girl and our families is stronger than ever. 

I am beginning to look forward to Christmas, last year it was the worst thing I could imagine. I did not want to celebrate it, I did not want to think about it and I didn’t want it to happen. But like always we took it head on, we did it for Archie, but it didn’t feel like a celebration it felt like the worst possible reminder of what we had lost, a celebration that couldn’t be because it was not how we had spent the year envisaging it would be with Archie, our family and our beautiful girl, her first Christmas, instead it marked the beginning of our first Christmas without her. The first of many that every year will be added to. But this year will be different, it will be our second without Betty but our first with Vinnie and I want it to be as amazing as I have imagined it – I can’t wait to spoil Archie, drink mulled drinks, party with our friends, get together with our family and celebrate how we should have last year. 

We are never going to forget Betty, Vinnie has not replaced her – but he has helped to heal our breaking hearts. Her loss will always be there, the sadness still comes but I am forever thankful that her loss meant we could have him. It’s such an odd feeling because ultimately if she was here it would undoubtedly mean we wouldn’t of had him now at this point, but I couldn’t imagine life without him now. You feel so much love and happiness for your rainbow but so much sadness for your baby that came before to give you that rainbow. It’s not really something you can easily put into words, it doesn’t need to be said but I’m sure anyone reading even if they have never gone through something like this can imagine the feelings it involves. 

So life continues like it has done for the last year, we are now past our first major milestone, Betty’s 1st birthday – we didn’t commemorate it like I had planned as Vinnie was in hospital but he came out of intensive care on her birthday and if ever there was ever a sign she is watching over her little brother this was undoubtedly it. Loosing Betty and getting Vinnie will be my constant reminder to appreciate everything life has to offer me, it’s so easy to become complacent and get lost in life and take things for granted. Even I am guilty of this, but for me Betty is my constant reminder of how precious life is, hers was taken so quickly, so cruelly, there’s a fine line between life and death – morbid I know but it’s true. We have to take every day as if it’s our last – this does not mean be reckless and make rash, silly decisions but enjoy everyday, be the best person you can be for that day – for the next will arrive and we start again remembering our health is the greatest gift. I will continue to be the best wife and mummy I can be. Life is hard but there are rewards to be had, finally I am starting to regain some faith in humanity, we have been blessed I will not take that for granted. My sunshine is here and my star shines brightly in the sky. Archie, Betty and Vinnie I am so proud to be your mummy.