Betty’s Bro’s… #31

This morning Archie asked me what I thought Betty would look like. Out of the blue I didn’t see it coming. *sob* I said she would probably look like Vinnie…. what else could I say?  I couldn’t tell him I know? As I look at Vinnie I can see Betty more than I ever have done before. It makes me feel sad, not because I’m looking at him but because I am once again reminded of how it feels to have lost her and still be without her. Over a year has past now – so much has happened, we have Vinnie but It’s bitter sweet. The question from Archie makes me wonder what he thinks about, should we show him a picture of Betty? Hubby thinks no for now – I’m unsure. This Christmas we think of our baby girl, as we watch our boys get to know each other and learn to love one another. The festive period although wonderful when you have little ones is also a hard time for those alone, going through tough times or those who are without their loved ones be it over seas or in heaven. Although this year has had more highs than lows for us, it has still been hard, it has been emotional but it has been mainly happy. Christmas provides a time for us all to enjoy but also think and reflect on what we may not have. We are doing all we can to make the Christmas holidays as special as we can for our lovely Archie, he’s been so patient these last few months, loving and caring and just his very beautiful self. I need to remember that he lost Betty too – but he doesn’t show sadness like we do he just always reminds me whenever I say ‘the 4 of us’ that there are ‘5 of us’ and whatever we do Betty is there too! He is just so amazing I don’t think I could of asked for him to have accepted things as well as he has. He kept writing her name in our Christmas cards – I don’t think we should be putting her name in our cards etc tho but he obviously just thinks of her as one of the family (which she is) so in his mind her name should be there. But it just doesn’t feel right to do it. I feel so awful to say that. 

I think the hardest thing, I’m sure I have spoken of this before is ‘acceptance’ accepting what has happened to you because it has happened there is no changing it. It is done there is no second chance. Although maybe Vinnie is our second chance, twice this week I have been asked ‘is he your first?’ I always answer no he’s my second. As soon as I say it I think of her, why don’t I just say no he’s my third? But then I have to get into the conversation of what happened to Betty and let’s face it who wants to know that on a fleeting meeting with a stranger. It’s not that I don’t want people to know about her but sometimes it’s just easier to not talk about her to people I don’t know. 

If I think for too long I then come onto the matter of if Betty hadn’t of died we wouldn’t have Vinnie, so so hard to comprehend. But, it’s the truth if she was here I really don’t think we would of been thinking of another baby so soon after. Then the guilt comes back. Last night after Archie had gone to bed myself and Scott had a toast over a drink we both looked at our baby boy and cried tears of joy and sadness, joy that we are blessed to watch him grow, hold him in our arms, sadness that Betty never got that chance, we miss her. We miss her so very much. These last few weeks, we have had colds, coughs, ear aches, mastitis (again), injections, sickness bugs and a growth spurt. All things that make having more than one child even trickier especially when one is a new baby. When Archie had horrendous ear ache I was torn as all he wanted was me to cuddle him but Vinnie needed feeding and I just couldn’t do both, Archie had to wait as he often does at the moment because Vinnie’s Needs are usually more urgent he is the baby! I felt so awful! Scott and I tag teamed and tried to do the best we could, but it still didn’t seem enough. I hate to say it but I think I will be glad to see the back of winter! Ha ha! I have told you before I am never satisfied! I am looking forward to welcoming spring, even if it does mean my baby will be older and no longer a newborn, my big baby will be even older again and nearly ending his second year at school and my middle baby who remains among the stars will simply be becoming even more of a memory, I have to embrace all that life throws our way. Each stage we go through now, each sickness, each tough day will never compare to the utter devastation of the day we lost you Betty, I know that as we go about our daily lives no challenge will ever (god forbid) be as bad as that day when you left us. I know that I am able to take on the world, I survived loosing you even though at the time I didn’t know how I would get through the first week let alone the first year. 

As your brothers grow and become the best of friends know that I will always look at them and think of you in the middle where you should be, for you will always be our little Betty Dora, no one can replace or be you. Vinnie is just the first step in a long road to patching up our broken hearts. They can only ever be patched, never fixed for you can never fix the heart of someone who has lost something so precious. But patching will do us just fine, we can deal with that.

As we enjoyed our Christmas Day just the four of us, Vinnie waking to feed then falling back to sleep – Archie singing to himself in between watching Harry Potter and opening and playing with all his new toys (as I watched in fear that he might cut his fingers off as he insists he can deal with all the obscene packaging using scissors) we thought of you, when we sat to the table we looked to the space where you should be and we thought of you for there has never nor will there ever be a day when we don’t think of you my darling.  We already smile, we laugh, we live, but we will never move on completely without you. But we will be the best that we can be until we are with you again. And your brothers will always know about their Betty Dora. 5 is the best number. And you were number 4. 

Jen

Christmas kisses #30

This evening I managed to escape the house for just over an hour of peace and quiet. I love my beauties to pieces but it’s been another full on week and Scott had his work xmas party last night and he doesn’t work in Bournemouth so he stayed in a hotel last night and didn’t get back until late this avo and I was already at a birthday party with Archie (and Vinnie of course) it actually turned out to be fine with both of them. I know Archie fends for himself really but sometimes I find things like that quite tricky on my own. Luckily anything I have done so far there is always a lovely mummy friend on hand to help with anything! 

Anyway.. so after returning to a hungover daddy I fed Vinnie and left the boys to pop to the supermarket – I know it’s weird that going to the supermarket on your own is heaven! But Sainsbury’s have some AMAZING Christmas clothes etc and I spent an hour or so in there browsing every aisle! Woo hoo! And I got the most amazing Christmas hat for Archie’s Xmas hat day at school! Pic will follow in coming weeks of him wearing it! Although because we will probably laugh when he puts it on I expect he will refuse to wear it as he hates it if people laugh at him! 

I also got the boys their Christmas pjs and I managed to get them almost identical! These will be delivered by our Elf in the next couple of days so that they actually get a chance to wear them a couple of times in the lead up to the big day. I always do a Christmas Eve box for Archie and put pjs in, but I’m not sure why I’ve done that as really Christmas Eve is too late to get them as once Christmas has passed it seems a bit silly to wear them! I tried to get our Christmas tree on the way home, we get it from one of our local pubs but they weren’t there – to be honest I don’t blame them as it’s so cold this evening. So I will go out in the morning, Scott would go but I won’t let him as I have serious tree OCD so if he came home with the wrong shape/height I would be in a serious grump! 

My journey home from tree mission saw me drive passed the crematorium where Betty is, it was so strange as the gates were all locked up (I think if they had been open I would of popped to see her) soon as I passed I felt myself start to cry – I stared to think of her and I felt guilty. I haven’t thought of her as much as I usually do lately, I feel bad to say that. Things have been so hectic with Archie and Vinnie my time has been so consumed with both of them and it’s good because when I was pregnant I had so much time to think and all I could think about was if Vinnie would meet the same end as her it almost consumed me. Now I am consumed by my boys which is amazing but when I stop and think about her again I can’t help but feel that guilt for not giving her as much of my head space. 

I know I have to move forward and to be honest it’s nice to have a break from all the feelings of the last year. I love my baby girl so much but I have to enjoy my boys because they are my everything. When I got home Scott was laid on the sofa with both of them asleep on him it melted my heart and made me feel so happy to have them but sad that she isn’t here to share the fun. We are moving forward as a family, but every step, every day leaves her a bit further in our past. Such a hard and sad thing to have to do. I know we have to, the hardest thing is having to deal with a decision you didn’t make for yourself. I couldn’t imagine our life now without Vinnie or Betty I don’t regret either of them, but I just wish we could of kept them both. But I am so thankful we have our baby boy and not a day will pass when I won’t plant a kiss on his beautiful face and think of my gorgeous girl. Tomorrow we will put our tree up and her ornament will take pride of place on it so that not a day goes by this festive season that we don’t think of her and try to smile and remember how truly lucky we are.

 
Jen 

Finding time #29

Many of you who are regular readers of my blog will know I have spent the last year wishing time away and now I want it to SLOW DOWN! (Clearly I am just never satisfied) Vinnie is 7 weeks old now! Eek! He’s changing quickly from that scrunched up sleepy new born to an alert little babe. Although he still sleeps a lot, actually scrap that at the moment he doesn’t seem to sleep much (we are in the midst of some growth spurting kinda phase) but when he’s had a feed he still gets all drunk and floppy and has a really cute what we call ‘moley’ face. I could just cuddle him all day he sleeps so soundly on my chest I love it. I am trying to make the most of this time as I know how quickly he will begin to become more independent (although it will be a long time before he is completely independent) he is going to need me for a long time yet, which is amazing but at the same time at the moment it’s quite over whelming. 
I have this little babe who relies on no one else but me. The last few weeks have been tough I’ve been ill, Archie has been ill, Vinnie has been ill and Scott is tired and stressed with work and everything going on at home! I’m so happy that Vinnie is here but slightly stressed by a collection of different things that keep being thrown in our direction. It is of course life and I am trudging on. I’m just waiting for a time when I don’t have a list of a million things to do, no one is ill, I am on top of things and life feels normal. Let’s face it that’s not going to happen but I can hope! It didn’t help that Sunday saw us get burgled. Well I say burgled, but they didn’t actually take anything (that I can see at the moment) but they broke in through our front door and went straight into our bedroom pulling out all our drawers and wardrobes. It’s unnerving to think that someone could be that bold as to waltz right in and have a good rummage! Awful low life’s who ever they are. 

Anyway getting back to the baby.. I think I need to remind myself that I only have a 7 week old and be a bit kinder on myself but when your used to being organised and getting things done then all of a sudden you can’t do all those things I almost feel a bit out of control, but Im learning to accept I can only do so much and I just have to face the fact that whilst he is still so young everything can wait. (I would love a cleaner tho!) ha ha! I’m also 5 years out of this baby game – I am doing fine with getting up in the night, I thought that would be hard but it’s not. It’s more learning to juggle 2 little people who need you and the guilt that one has to wait for you (usually Archie at the moment) I know all mothers go through this it’s nothing new. But to me it is. I also find Christmas as well as a time of fun and festivities the build up until I am sorted on the shopping front, hectic. I always have a million things in my head of what I need to buy, wrap, post etc. Until it gets to the stage where all is done us mummy’s can’t relax completely. (Well I can’t) 
I know all I am experiencing is nothing any other mother hasn’t gone through. But I forgot how tricky these first few months are. You are trying to get into a routine, getting to know your baby and learning that this teeny little person will do what they want and a lot of the routine is out of your control. I know this will all pass as everything does. I am also reminding myself how lost I felt this time last year when I was without Betty. I must embrace the highs and lows because I haven’t forgotten how bad it felt to not be experiencing any of this. 

So ho ho ho Happy 1st of December – may it be kind to everyone whatever your circumstance. There is a lot of pressure to feel you should enjoy this time of year, but don’t be afraid to not. If you don’t that’s ok. I know last year that was me – I am not afraid to say I refused to enjoy it I didn’t want to. I had no desire to party, celebrate or embrace any type of Christmas spirit. However this year I am going to make up for our darkest times and make it super special for my darling Archie. I don’t think he noticed any difference but I want to make it extra special by really sharing his enjoyment after not being in the right head space last year. And of course we are celebrating little Vinnie’s first Christmas. They have almost matching Christmas jumpers! I am very excited about these! No doubt pics will be appearing as part of #blogmas. So go forth and enjoy if you can lovely people, we only get one shot at this. Next year we will be a year older and things will be different again. Be it your family logistics, a new job, new house who knows, at present 2017 is still some time away. So for now HAPPY Christmas 2016. It’s going to be a good one for the Burbs’. I think after everything we deserve it. 

Jen