Good old fashioned time #27

As I looked around me this morning at all the other incubators with the teenies in I know Vinnie is probably one of the biggest babes in there, I’m sure there are others a lot sicker than him. But I just can’t see an end to this at the moment. We are stuck in a limbo where every hour is important and every minute something could change. All the staff seem very relaxed in there although after all they do it day in, day out so they are used to it. It is a bit daunting tho with all the bleeps and machines and our baby boy just lies there sleeping, occasionally the odd little cry will leap out, maybe he’s in pain? The canular in his tiny hand looks so sore but I know it’s needed to help him get better. 

So what do they think is wrong? Well initially when he was born he was very grunty and his chest was caving in with his breathing, at first the midwife said he was fine but I could see he was struggling almost as if he was trying to clear his throat. After a few minutes she could see he wasn’t quite right so she called one of the baby doctors to take a look at him. We had a cuddle for about 10 minutes before they came and then they decided to admit him so Scott went with him to intensive care. I had to stay for the joy of being stitched up and then everyone left the room and I was left with no baby, no husband and just in shock. I called my mum and dad (they left straight away to get to us) 

I had to wait for them to get a wheelchair (and some tea and toast) so they could take me up to see him, seeing him for the first time was heart breaking, my initial elation of the fact he was actually alive was now clouded by the fact he was poorly and there was something wrong here and once again maybe we would not be getting our baby that we have waited all this time for. Initially they thought because he arrived very speedily he hadn’t had time to clear the fluid from his lungs and therefor that was causing him the difficulty breathing. Instantly he was started on antibiotics incase there was an infection present. The consultant who saw him this morning has said he suspects there is fluid present although it is hard to tell from the x-ray and although he is a good weight, the fact he was born slightly early may mean his lungs have not matured properly yet and just need help. 

So for now we wait – the nurse in charge said this baby needs “good old fashioned time” that thing time again! We have waited this long for him I know we can wait a little longer, but I haven’t even held him yet as they have said he needs to have minimal interference so he can rest and concentrate on his breathing and I know that the hospital are going to kick me out soon. The thought of leaving this place once again without my baby is horrible, I can’t do it again but I know that I may have to. But I also know that overnight or maybe even over the course of a day he could improve and get better it really is such a waiting game. One I have to accept but not that I am keen to play. But I will because I don’t have a choice. So many things I have had to accept this last year and I suppose this is just another one of them, but at least he is here – even if we can’t take him home yet. And with them watching over him 24/7 nothing can or will happen to him. 

I pray that Betty is keeping him safe watching over him, I pray we will be a family soon and I can pass my days cuddling my precious boy. Every baby is special, a gift, but this little Sunshine is just that little bit more special and nothing can happen to him because that would just be unimaginable. Every day whilst I lie here in this bed the sun shines through the window, a sign I think that there will be better things to come for us and that we will be bringing our boy home soon. The gift of time is free and one we should cherish rather than rush. No matter how long he needs as long as he is ok in the end that’s all that matters. Keep going Vinnie we have so much love to give you, we just need you to get better first.



Nesting panic… #26

Many following my Facebook page will know last weekend was a big weekend for the Burbs’, we got all the baby stuff out the loft!!!!! I didn’t think I would.. But I did… So proud of myself! Silly I know! But let’s face it for us it’s a big deal! 

I have spent the last 7 months refusing to prepare barely anything for Sunshine worrying about jinxing the whole experience but now as we fast approach ‘the end’ (I don’t like that expression it should really be termed ‘the beginning’) I had begun to get a little panicked that we should in fact prepare for our little ones Imminent arrival! Do I really want to get home from the hospital and make Scott trawl through the loft looking for all the things we need that would surely then need to be washed and readied? So… I decided I should in fact get over my phobia of getting things ready and indeed ‘get ready’ as if it’s actually going to happen because let’s face it ordinarily at this stage you would have no reason to believe it wasn’t. (Except if your me and you stupidly refuse to use the word ‘when’ they arrive and always tend to use ‘if’) 

I am giving myself a sharp slap round the face, putting my positive hat on and very quickly saying it’s time to get ready for when this baby arrives! I’m excited, but of course apprehensive to allow myself to get carried away in the enjoyment of getting all the little clothes off their hangers and out of their packets – readying nappies in little baskets with wipes in sporadic change stations around the house, after all I did it once before and I then had to muster up the courage to close my eyes chuck it all in a big black bag and throw it up in the loft at the time I thought to never be seen again. 

There is a big pink suitcase full of beautiful girly clothes for Betty – I think that will always stay up there untouched – I don’t know if I will ever get rid of those or even look at them again. I still remember my excitement at buying watermelon and flamingo themed things (some of my favourite items, that I generally can’t get away wearing myself) but they would of looked fab on her! But they are all packed away now never to see the light of day again. Boo hoo. She would of looked so cute. 

Poor Sunshine, just a handful of little bits ready to wear – BUT I am telling myself that I can enjoy going out once he’s here and choose an array of ‘cute’ things when I know we are taking him home with us! So for now.. Moses basket, a few nappies and the sleepyhead we got for Betty, I can bring myself to use that as I was looking forward to seeing if it promoted all the sleep it promised on the Amazon reviews! Hee hee!

After washing everything (and my lovely mum kindly ironed it all neatly) he’s actually got a lot more newborn stuff than I thought! Before we had Betty I did a couple of sales and got rid of a lot of Archie’s baby clothes as I didn’t think I would be needing them, I kept special bits and he had some really cute Ralph Lauren bits so I kept all that! But I actually had more than I thought and with the help of one of my cousins who has two boys, she has kitted Sunshine out with loads of cute newborn baby g’s and outfits so we have lots really! I can shop for the next age when he’s here… Oh what a shame I will have to go shopping!! 

So now we just need our baby, everything is more or less ready. I think I’m just about mentally ready (if that’s possible) to go through the next emotional roller coaster. Bringing Sunshine home will be so amazing and so emotional at the same time, a bitter sweet mix of when I imagined we would do it with his sister. When the boys meet for the first time, the thought brings me instantly to tears, we have waited so long to get to this stage, for Betty, that never happened, the baby before that didn’t make it past the first 12 weeks, and now Sunshine. The Burborough brothers need to happen, it will happen, it has to. When people ask me if I’m excited I almost feel stupid to say yes, as it never happened before, even tho we had got to the end I almost feel like I jinxed myself I don’t know how, but it feels like that. If I talk about him as if he will be here maybe I will jinx it for us again. I’m conscious of what I did this time last year – am I doing the same again? I don’t want to jinx Sunshine, silly I know but it’s hard to not think like that – especially when I am literally living in a de ja vu like state of the year that went before me! 

I can’t wait to complain about sleep – or lack of it! How weird when you are actually looking forward to complaining about the things most people generally take for granted on a daily basis, I will complain and then remember how lucky I am to be given the opportunity to do so. Keep going little Sunshine, there are so many people who want to meet you and shower you in love and a big brother who can’t wait to show you all his toys and give you all his ‘doubles’ (he’s saving them especially for you) 

Signing out slightly more positively today.