It’s been a while since I blogged regularly. Mainly because I’ve had lots going on here with work, hospital appointments and Archie B. Life takes over sometimes and before you know it weeks have passed! I look back and think where did that time go! On one hand I am happy it’s flying, I want Sunshine to be here but at the same time I am conscious of the fact my big baby is growing, changing, after all he’s started his second year at school now! He’s changing so much, I want time to slow down for him so I can really enjoy every little moment. But I also feel like until we have our new baby life as we know it is on hold. I know that probably sounds odd, but I mean moving forward as a family, I know I shouldn’t say that because I should be enjoying what I have, living for the moment, but it’s so hard to! I want us to be a family of 4 so badly I need it now.
Want… Need… What do I want? What do I need? I’ve been thinking about these questions, there are so many things as human beings we ‘want’ there are few things we ‘need’. Trying to separate the 2 is proving tricky! I want my baby, it’s a want so desperate the thought of if it doesn’t happen is so bleak I can’t even think about it. I need time to pass quickly so I can get to that stage – but I don’t really need that to happen I just have to take each day, I know, enjoy my pregnancy, my son, my life. Life is what happens even when your waiting for something big and it’s true. If I’m not careful I will miss what’s going on around me.
It is all too easy to become consumed in our own personal experiences, I always like to try and help and be there for others. This last year has shown me that sometimes you just have to take a step back and it’s not possible to help everyone. Even tho I want to. That word again. Is it indulgent to be so demanding? I want this, I need that. No I don’t think so, it is human nature to be this way. This last year has moved so quickly I havn’t a clue where it went, those who follow my blog will remember when I talked about those first days, they felt like years, I would of given anything to be at this stage and now I’m here I can’t believe it! I survived! Me and Scott are stronger than ever – I feel so lucky yet so unlucky at the same time.
2015 was a bad year for us, the worst. But I still feel lucky for the child we were fortunate to have, even tho she is no longer here – we have a daughter, a son and a daughter. All children are blessings, those who struggle for any know this we all know that but we take it for granted. For every woman I see on my weekly visits to the hospital smoking outside whilst pregnant (I want to slap them and pull their hair) they take for granted what they have because they have probably never experienced loss and if they have and they are still smoking then quite frankly they are just dicks. (Excuse my language) The saying ‘you don’t know what you’ve got til’ it’s gone’ is so true. We all become encapsulated in our lives in our wants and needs that sometimes we just forget to stop and look at the small things.
I remember reading an article not long ago about the last time, for example the last time you bottle or breastfed your child, the last time you picked them up when all of a sudden they then became too big for that anymore, the last time you spoon fed them before they started using a knife and fork. Can anyone actually pin point that ‘last time’, of course not, unless you are one of those who keeps beautiful little memory books etc for your children and log things like that (I’m not that organised unfortunately) I can remember all the firsts and lasts of Betty’s life, after all it was so short. But if she was here I probably wouldn’t even be taking note – I would be doing that thing called living that we all do.
So I have been trying to make a conscious effort this year to not wish all the time away, however I am grateful it is passing with ease right now. But if I blink I will miss Archie, the one I am so lucky to have, I know he doesn’t want or need anything as he has it all – he has love, he has food he has toys and his iPad! Ha ha! And he has a sister, she may not be here but she is still his sister – he no longer needs one, next month he will be fortunate to be getting a little baby brother, he will be one of those lucky children that has both a brother and a sister. He is getting a beautiful little brother to play, fight and grow up with. At first I wasn’t sure how I felt about this – I think the fact we are having a boy has made my worries slightly less, a girl straight after Betty would of been terrifying. Of course I would be lying if I didn’t say I want a daughter, but I don’t need one. All I need is a healthy baby, who’s mine to love and look after like I have done with Archie, a baby that arrives safely and is as healthy as it can be. A baby I can watch grow and remember all those precious moments, a beautiful little boy, our Sunshine, who will fill our lives with happiness and help to heal some of the sadness we have experienced this last year.
He won’t replace our baby girl, that was never the intention, but his arrival will, I hope, be the first step in putting a little plaster on our hearts that were broken and shattered 11 months and 4 days ago. He will show us that things can be ok, we can keep him and that Archie is a great big brother. We want him and we need him that I can be sure of. With everyday that passes I will never take a single moment of his precious life for granted for he will be our precious rainbow BABY BOY.