Month: September 2016

It’s been a while since I blogged regularly. Mainly because I’ve had lots going on here with work, hospital appointments and Archie B. Life takes over sometimes and before you know it weeks have passed! I look back and think where did that time go! On one hand I am happy it’s flying, I want Sunshine to be here but at the same time I am conscious of the fact my big baby is growing, changing, after all he’s started his second year at school now! He’s changing so much, I want time to slow down for him so I can really enjoy every little moment. But I also feel like until we have our new baby life as we know it is on hold. I know that probably sounds odd, but I mean moving forward as a family, I know I shouldn’t say that because I should be enjoying what I have, living for the moment, but it’s so hard to! I want us to be a family of 4 so badly I need it now. 

Want… Need… What do I want? What do I need? I’ve been thinking about these questions, there are so many things as human beings we ‘want’ there are few things we ‘need’. Trying to separate the 2 is proving tricky! I want my baby, it’s a want so desperate the thought of if it doesn’t happen is so bleak I can’t even think about it. I need time to pass quickly so I can get to that stage – but I don’t really need that to happen I just have to take each day, I know, enjoy my pregnancy, my son, my life. Life is what happens even when your waiting for something big and it’s true. If I’m not careful I will miss what’s going on around me. 

It is all too easy to become consumed in our own personal experiences, I always like to try and help and be there for others. This last year has shown me that sometimes you just have to take a step back and it’s not possible to help everyone. Even tho I want to. That word again. Is it indulgent to be so demanding? I want this, I need that. No I don’t think so, it is human nature to be this way. This last year has moved so quickly I havn’t a clue where it went, those who follow my blog will remember when I talked about those first days, they felt like years, I would of given anything to be at this stage and now I’m here I can’t believe it! I survived! Me and Scott are stronger than ever – I feel so lucky yet so unlucky at the same time. 

2015 was a bad year for us, the worst. But I still feel lucky for the child we were fortunate to have, even tho she is no longer here – we have a daughter, a son and a daughter. All children are blessings, those who struggle for any know this we all know that but we take it for granted. For every woman I see on my weekly visits to the hospital smoking outside whilst pregnant (I want to slap them and pull their hair) they take for granted what they have because they have probably never experienced loss and if they have and they are still smoking then quite frankly they are just dicks. (Excuse my language) The saying ‘you don’t know what you’ve got til’ it’s gone’ is so true. We all become encapsulated in our lives in our wants and needs that sometimes we just forget to stop and look at the small things. 

I remember reading an article not long ago about the last time, for example the last time you bottle or breastfed your child, the last time you picked them up when all of a sudden they then became too big for that anymore, the last time you spoon fed them before they started using a knife and fork. Can anyone actually pin point that ‘last time’, of course not, unless you are one of those who keeps beautiful little memory books etc for your children and log things like that (I’m not that organised unfortunately) I can remember all the firsts and lasts of Betty’s life, after all it was so short. But if she was here I probably wouldn’t even be taking note – I would be doing that thing called living that we all do. 

So I have been trying to make a conscious effort this year to not wish all the time away, however I am grateful it is passing with ease right now. But if I blink I will miss Archie, the one I am so lucky to have, I know he doesn’t want or need anything as he has it all – he has love, he has food he has toys and his iPad! Ha ha! And he has a sister, she may not be here but she is still his sister – he no longer needs one, next month he will be fortunate to be getting a little baby brother, he will be one of those lucky children that has both a brother and a sister. He is getting a beautiful little brother to play, fight and grow up with. At first I wasn’t sure how I felt about this – I think the fact we are having a boy has made my worries slightly less, a girl straight after Betty would of been terrifying. Of course I would be lying if I didn’t say I want a daughter, but I don’t need one. All I need is a healthy baby, who’s mine to love and look after like I have done with Archie, a baby that arrives safely and is as healthy as it can be. A baby I can watch grow and remember all those precious moments, a beautiful little boy, our Sunshine, who will fill our lives with happiness and help to heal some of the sadness we have experienced this last year. 

He won’t replace our baby girl, that was never the intention, but his arrival will, I hope, be the first step in putting a little plaster on our hearts that were broken and shattered 11 months and 4 days ago. He will show us that things can be ok, we can keep him and that Archie is a great big brother. We want him and we need him that I can be sure of. With everyday that passes I will never take a single moment of his precious life for granted for he will be our precious rainbow BABY BOY. 

Jen 

I didn’t have a chance to write a blog post last week think it may have had something to do with a certain little person and spending nearly every day being monitored (don’t get me wrong I am NOT complaining) I am so happy all is ok. But I wanted to share what I got upto last weekend because it was truly FABULOUS! So… It’s a week late but last Saturday was the perfect moody day, it rained most the day (but the place we went was so cosy this really didn’t matter) one of my best friends had called me in the week and told me she would be picking me up at 9am – a treat would be awaiting for my birthday, a suprise! Eek! I love surprises.

True to her word, 9am, my taxi arrived and we were off, I had no idea where we were going – she was good at keeping a secret! We headed over to Sandbanks, my first suggestion was bodyboarding!!! It seemed to be the perfect day for water sports, the water was full of crazy people in wet suits bombing around the water making it look easy. My thoughts turned to the fact that there would most certainly not be a wet suit big enough for my big fat bump! Ha ha! Of course she wasn’t going to be making me do extreme sports today! 

We headed on through to the Sandbanks chain ferry – I still didn’t know where we were going, I’m rubbish at guessing! It was then revealed that we would be spending the day at the Pig on the Beach at Swanage, one of my favourite places, she knows me so well! I was going to be truly spoilt with a luxury facial booked in one of the Shepherds Huts and then a lunch date with my bestest would follow my morning of relaxation and pampering. I would of been happy to have just spent the day driving round with her as we don’t get to see each other that much at the moment so the prospect of spending the whole day gossiping and catching up was excitement in itself. 

Luckily it wasn’t too choppy crossing as it was pelting it down by this stage and we were on our way to the Pig! Eek! Oh so exciting! For those who havn’t been, on arrival the hallway meets you with a beautiful row of hunter wellies all lined up in their respective sizes, so twee, I know, but oh so cute and perfectly fitting for a day like ours, rainy and not flip flop weather (but they are my comfiest shoes right now). We took to the beautiful little steps down into the entrance lounge adorned with raging log burning fire (gorgeous) and I was met by the therapist who would be sending me into pampered princess status, after the usual forms etc I was heading out into the rain to the little gypsy style hut, super exciting! I didn’t even know they did treatments there so I couldn’t wait to try this out! 

On entering the hut after walking through the beautiful grounds and admiring Old Harry, even on a day like today it was so clear and picturesque. I got myself ready and laid on the comfy bed complete with elevated foot rest (anyone who’s been preggers before knows lying flat regardless on the comfort of the bed will feel like one is laid on a bed of stone if those legs don’t get elevated) so this was perfect, their range of organic beauty products were to be used on my face (which had extra layers of make up on today) as I didn’t know I would be having treatments, the poor therapist, I think it took her several cleanses just to get my slap off, but alas once removed I sank into an oasis of pure relaxation. The rain could be heard on the tin of the roof and I think I even did a little sleep snort (which pulled me right back into a wakeful state)… I hate it when that happens so embarrassing. After cleansing, exfoliating and massaging my cheeks,forehead etc and a hot and cold stone facial massage (actual heaven) I had a beautiful mask applied and not only did I get a hand massage I also got a foot one too! Couldn’t believe my luck, I just laid there the whole time thinking to myself I hope this doesn’t end anytime soon. Sadly after just over an hour of bliss she was done, all good things and all that. But it was truly heavenly and now I had lunch to look forward. 

(A teeny Robin came to say hello on my walk back) 

Now food I love, but food and flowers, easily pleased I accept, but, I LOVE food and flowers  (must find out where I can buy said edible flowers) these will at least make my food look pretty even if it is inedible! Like the facial – lunch was not to disappoint. Led into the beautiful ‘potting shed’ style conservatory all my favourite things vintage China and cutlery as far as the eye could see, simple but fabulously quaint. Gorgeous potted herbs as table decs, and the food, oh the food! Warm bread arrived with smokey salts and homemade Rosemary oil for dipping, delish, and that was just for starters. I am always sold on anything on a menu that contains blue cheese so I opted for the concoction of chicken, crispy panchetta with a blue vinney cheese sauce, have I got your taste buds going yet? For my good friend, as a veggie she had an equally tasty dish accompanied by sides of gorgeous green veggies, roasted beets and thrice cooked chips (yes they were as tasty as they sound) not being one to fain from sweet offerings, pudding had to be done, I’m unsure of what we ate now but one contained chocolate and lots of it and the other was a cheesecake based choice, absolutely divine. Rounded off with ‘piggy fours’ to take home in a cute little box and lunch was over. Delightfully full, our day came to an end. 

The perfect day, spent indoors in beautiful surroundings and company, with pampering, eating, drinking and gossiping on the menu, it was perhaps the best tonic I could of had last weekend. It was truly wonderful. I shall keep the memory for the months to come when I’m covered in milk, have not slept and have constant mummy duties to uphold (I can’t wait). But I will always remember that moody day, when I declared ‘I just want to wear my leopard print bumbag in Ibiza’, maybe that will be our next ‘treat’ who knows! For now Swanage has done me just perfectly, and I have to think of a way to return the treat to the ‘bestest’, hmmm a tricky one to top! 

Jen 

In the holidays we spent a lot of time catching up with friends, on one play date Archie made my friends beautiful baby girl (who is a couple of weeks older than Betty laugh) he sat with her and tried to make her giggle, it was so lovely to watch, she watched him intently as he moved around the room – afterwards I thought of how beautiful he would of been with Betty, kind, gentle, like the loving soul he is, protecting his little sis while goofing around and making her laugh and shriek. 

This month marks Betty’s 11 months, is it her birthday? Is it her death? I’m not really sure – do I say she would be 11 months or she is 11 months?? Regardless of that – she has now been gone for longer than she was ever alive. I really have no idea – I have felt so good for so many weeks but this week I feel sad again. Most nights the tears come with thoughts of her, thoughts of sunshine, worries of if they will make it. We are in single figures now – but it feels so far from the end, I am trying to remain calm about it all but inside I am so scared. Scared I will let everyone down, mainly Archie. I don’t want him to be sad again – to have to loose his sibling again. 
I thought I could never be afraid of anything ever again – one of the worst things that could ever happen to me did I have nothing left to fear, but I do, the fear that I know how it feels. I know what could happen and how that feels. 

Everyone tells me it will be ok this time, deep down I feel it will but also at the same time I know it may not be. I don’t want to be another statistic of this awful thing that people rarely talk about – stillbirth. I just want to be in amongst the massive statistic of the thousands of babies that are born healthily everyday. I don’t know what to expect when I go to the hospital – I am nervous to go back to the place that when I last walked out of I was turning my back on my little girl leaving her there all alone, the only place we ever were as a family. The place she died and was born in. I know when/if we leave with Sunshine the memory of the car journey home after we left her will be fresh in my mind, the worst journey of my life I was sick the whole way home having left her there, cold, alone. Not something any parent should have to do. 

I can imagine the joy of taking Sunshine home but also know how the pain will feel if they don’t make it. A pain like no other, just like if you had to choose any of your children to say goodbye to them forever, it’s Indescribable – I never want to feel it again I don’t want anyone to, but I know they will. I want to be selfish and say I hope I don’t. What if I see someone being led to ‘the room’ where they take you if your baby dies, I know how I am going to feel when I get there – I know I am going to hate it, for having a baby for me is no longer the enjoyable experience it once was, until they are alive in my arms I cannot look forward I can only look as far as today and as far back as the 11 months that have gone before me, when I no doubt sat in this same spot feeling my little girl move inside me oblivious to what was going to happen to her.

We had so much to give her, she was going to have the most amazing life like her big brother. But it wasn’t meant for her – she wasn’t able to stay with us. The question why will forever haunt me, I still don’t think there’s a day that goes by that I don’t ask this question or talk about the events leading up to her death! Why? That illusive question, being a mummy to Archie I can usually find an answer to most questions which derive from ‘why?’ But in this instance I absolutely cannot answer, I don’t nor will I ever know why – there are no answers, the hardest thing of all to accept. I am thankful I don’t have some kind of illness that caused it or genetic reason for this tragedy but I wonder if we had a ‘why’ would it make the acceptance of what happened to Betty easier or would it be exactly the same as it feels now? I think that on reflection a reason would provide no additional comfort to the path our lives moved in 11 months ago – as much as I hate the awful saying ‘she just wasn’t meant to be’ she really wasn’t and there is nothing we can do to change it, we must celebrate the fact she was and rejoice that she existed even if for just a brief moment in time in person, but she will live on in our hearts and our family forever more, however hard it is that she is not physically here is to accept we have no choice for she is gone. There is no changing that. 

Grief is a journey to which there is no end – there will never be a time when you can say, right I’m all ok now, It’s all ok. I think it’s easy to think when the next baby comes it will heal – of course it may help (I will have to let you know on that one) but it is easy to forget the one that came before and even now people stop asking how things are as if she never happened. If we stop talking about her it feels like she never existed – but people that have their babies don’t need to talk about them because they have them there as a daily reminder of how lucky and blessed they are. Of course like I’ve spoken about before time is a beautiful healer – but who wants to hear that when they are in the middle of the whirlwind of loss and despair? But I have to say its true. I have experienced it – it takes every ounce of positivity that I have to use that time and think about the future, it is not and will not be easy, I’m still new to this and I know the journey will continue for the rest of our lives. More children will come, life will change, Archie will grow, the seasons will change and our lives move on. 

It’s scary to leave someone you loved so much in your past – acceptance is key, I still don’t accept it all but I am coming to terms with it. I am just very aware that as we get older so does she but not in the physical sense, she will have her birthday a matter of weeks from now – but as much as we will ‘celebrate’ really we are mourning a whole year without her – a whole year where no memories with her in them were made. An empty photo of a family of 3 who should be a 4. A toothy, face full of some kind of purred food grin that will never stare at our camera. The tears come, the thoughts are bittersweet as we are getting the chance to do it all again, with Sunshine, they will be the 4th face in the photo – in her place. People will think that’s ok now we’ve got our baby or maybe they will think we never cared about her because we tried again so soon. 

Why do I worry so much about what people think? I know I do – but why? That question again – why? Another one that can’t really be answered. Who would of thought it could be so unclear, I continue to ask myself this question along with many others today – like why is it so hot? Why don’t they sell a toy in the supermarket that costs a £1 so Archie can spend the money his great granny gave him? Why did he insist on helping me load the shopping on the checkout last week and drop a whole box of eggs? Most I know the answer to. Why did Betty Burborough die? I do not, nor will I ever know. What would she be doing now? I havn’t a clue, I could guess I suppose. Is she loved? This I know, more than anyone could ever imagine.

Jen  

I’ve said it before, but I will say it again! I can’t believe 7 weeks of summer is over! It’s crazy! I remember thinking how were me and Archie going to fill our 7 weeks – and effortlessly (with lots I still feel we havnt managed) we have done it and we have had a fabulous time together. I can honestly say I have loved having my beautiful little one at home with me, don’t get me wrong at times when he’s on conversation overload I have wanted to put some ear plugs in for 5 mins peace! But that aside I have loved his company and not having to rush around and be in our normal routine. 

As I sit on the eve of the new school year, I am feeling happy to now be returning to our little routine, but also sad to not have my boy around the house everyday (although I will be loving everything being tidy again) ha ha! I can remember how I felt this time last year when he was going to be starting his first day of school, I was feeling nervous, sad and excited all at the same time. This year I have no anxieties for him, I know he is going back to see all his wonderful friends and his school is really quite fabulous! 
It feels a bit like NYE – I have all these ideas in my head for the start of the new school year, things that we get to have a fresh start on for the year ahead, let’s see…

•walk to school everyday

•leave the house on time 

•cook a wholesome meal from scratch everyday for the boys

•do our reading every night

•polish Archies shoes every week! 

I predict that just like most New Years resolutions I will be lucky if I manage all of the above for more than a week! Will keep you posted…

So tonight, as all the children sleep, recharging those batteries for the start of school life again thoughts for me turn to Autumn which as everyone knows I am looking forward to, lots will change for us over the coming weeks, all being well for the better. As always we are all trying to be the best parents we can be – the days come and go and time moves quickly, this was another goal of mine to reach in our Sunshine journey, the countdown is well and truly on now especially as we are in single figures. I am starting to think about wether I should get any baby things out – should I wash the clothes? Get the Moses basket out? Pack my hospital bag? All of which I’m sure I will share if and when I do! 

One way or another things will change for us again soon – I’m continuing to try and stay as positive as possible and believe that we will get to keep our baby this time. But first, time to wave my first babe off to start his journey into Year 1! He is growing up so quickly! I can’t wait to see what the next year has in store for us, I love watching him grow and learn and I know how fortunate I am to have the chance to experience it with him. 

So to all mummies and daddies who will wave their little ones off tomorrow, be it for the start of their school journey or the continuation of one they have already begun, remember those partents who have little ones in heaven who should be embarking on that journey tomorrow but won’t, they are so brave, not because they want to be but because they have to and we should all have an extra kiss in the morning when we say goodbye because we are so fortunate to get that chance. 

Jen