Author: bettydora

Many following my Facebook page will know last weekend was a big weekend for the Burbs’, we got all the baby stuff out the loft!!!!! I didn’t think I would.. But I did… So proud of myself! Silly I know! But let’s face it for us it’s a big deal! 

I have spent the last 7 months refusing to prepare barely anything for Sunshine worrying about jinxing the whole experience but now as we fast approach ‘the end’ (I don’t like that expression it should really be termed ‘the beginning’) I had begun to get a little panicked that we should in fact prepare for our little ones Imminent arrival! Do I really want to get home from the hospital and make Scott trawl through the loft looking for all the things we need that would surely then need to be washed and readied? So… I decided I should in fact get over my phobia of getting things ready and indeed ‘get ready’ as if it’s actually going to happen because let’s face it ordinarily at this stage you would have no reason to believe it wasn’t. (Except if your me and you stupidly refuse to use the word ‘when’ they arrive and always tend to use ‘if’) 

I am giving myself a sharp slap round the face, putting my positive hat on and very quickly saying it’s time to get ready for when this baby arrives! I’m excited, but of course apprehensive to allow myself to get carried away in the enjoyment of getting all the little clothes off their hangers and out of their packets – readying nappies in little baskets with wipes in sporadic change stations around the house, after all I did it once before and I then had to muster up the courage to close my eyes chuck it all in a big black bag and throw it up in the loft at the time I thought to never be seen again. 

There is a big pink suitcase full of beautiful girly clothes for Betty – I think that will always stay up there untouched – I don’t know if I will ever get rid of those or even look at them again. I still remember my excitement at buying watermelon and flamingo themed things (some of my favourite items, that I generally can’t get away wearing myself) but they would of looked fab on her! But they are all packed away now never to see the light of day again. Boo hoo. She would of looked so cute. 

Poor Sunshine, just a handful of little bits ready to wear – BUT I am telling myself that I can enjoy going out once he’s here and choose an array of ‘cute’ things when I know we are taking him home with us! So for now.. Moses basket, a few nappies and the sleepyhead we got for Betty, I can bring myself to use that as I was looking forward to seeing if it promoted all the sleep it promised on the Amazon reviews! Hee hee!

After washing everything (and my lovely mum kindly ironed it all neatly) he’s actually got a lot more newborn stuff than I thought! Before we had Betty I did a couple of sales and got rid of a lot of Archie’s baby clothes as I didn’t think I would be needing them, I kept special bits and he had some really cute Ralph Lauren bits so I kept all that! But I actually had more than I thought and with the help of one of my cousins who has two boys, she has kitted Sunshine out with loads of cute newborn baby g’s and outfits so we have lots really! I can shop for the next age when he’s here… Oh what a shame I will have to go shopping!! 

So now we just need our baby, everything is more or less ready. I think I’m just about mentally ready (if that’s possible) to go through the next emotional roller coaster. Bringing Sunshine home will be so amazing and so emotional at the same time, a bitter sweet mix of when I imagined we would do it with his sister. When the boys meet for the first time, the thought brings me instantly to tears, we have waited so long to get to this stage, for Betty, that never happened, the baby before that didn’t make it past the first 12 weeks, and now Sunshine. The Burborough brothers need to happen, it will happen, it has to. When people ask me if I’m excited I almost feel stupid to say yes, as it never happened before, even tho we had got to the end I almost feel like I jinxed myself I don’t know how, but it feels like that. If I talk about him as if he will be here maybe I will jinx it for us again. I’m conscious of what I did this time last year – am I doing the same again? I don’t want to jinx Sunshine, silly I know but it’s hard to not think like that – especially when I am literally living in a de ja vu like state of the year that went before me! 

I can’t wait to complain about sleep – or lack of it! How weird when you are actually looking forward to complaining about the things most people generally take for granted on a daily basis, I will complain and then remember how lucky I am to be given the opportunity to do so. Keep going little Sunshine, there are so many people who want to meet you and shower you in love and a big brother who can’t wait to show you all his toys and give you all his ‘doubles’ (he’s saving them especially for you) 

Signing out slightly more positively today.

Jen 

It’s been a while since I blogged regularly. Mainly because I’ve had lots going on here with work, hospital appointments and Archie B. Life takes over sometimes and before you know it weeks have passed! I look back and think where did that time go! On one hand I am happy it’s flying, I want Sunshine to be here but at the same time I am conscious of the fact my big baby is growing, changing, after all he’s started his second year at school now! He’s changing so much, I want time to slow down for him so I can really enjoy every little moment. But I also feel like until we have our new baby life as we know it is on hold. I know that probably sounds odd, but I mean moving forward as a family, I know I shouldn’t say that because I should be enjoying what I have, living for the moment, but it’s so hard to! I want us to be a family of 4 so badly I need it now. 

Want… Need… What do I want? What do I need? I’ve been thinking about these questions, there are so many things as human beings we ‘want’ there are few things we ‘need’. Trying to separate the 2 is proving tricky! I want my baby, it’s a want so desperate the thought of if it doesn’t happen is so bleak I can’t even think about it. I need time to pass quickly so I can get to that stage – but I don’t really need that to happen I just have to take each day, I know, enjoy my pregnancy, my son, my life. Life is what happens even when your waiting for something big and it’s true. If I’m not careful I will miss what’s going on around me. 

It is all too easy to become consumed in our own personal experiences, I always like to try and help and be there for others. This last year has shown me that sometimes you just have to take a step back and it’s not possible to help everyone. Even tho I want to. That word again. Is it indulgent to be so demanding? I want this, I need that. No I don’t think so, it is human nature to be this way. This last year has moved so quickly I havn’t a clue where it went, those who follow my blog will remember when I talked about those first days, they felt like years, I would of given anything to be at this stage and now I’m here I can’t believe it! I survived! Me and Scott are stronger than ever – I feel so lucky yet so unlucky at the same time. 

2015 was a bad year for us, the worst. But I still feel lucky for the child we were fortunate to have, even tho she is no longer here – we have a daughter, a son and a daughter. All children are blessings, those who struggle for any know this we all know that but we take it for granted. For every woman I see on my weekly visits to the hospital smoking outside whilst pregnant (I want to slap them and pull their hair) they take for granted what they have because they have probably never experienced loss and if they have and they are still smoking then quite frankly they are just dicks. (Excuse my language) The saying ‘you don’t know what you’ve got til’ it’s gone’ is so true. We all become encapsulated in our lives in our wants and needs that sometimes we just forget to stop and look at the small things. 

I remember reading an article not long ago about the last time, for example the last time you bottle or breastfed your child, the last time you picked them up when all of a sudden they then became too big for that anymore, the last time you spoon fed them before they started using a knife and fork. Can anyone actually pin point that ‘last time’, of course not, unless you are one of those who keeps beautiful little memory books etc for your children and log things like that (I’m not that organised unfortunately) I can remember all the firsts and lasts of Betty’s life, after all it was so short. But if she was here I probably wouldn’t even be taking note – I would be doing that thing called living that we all do. 

So I have been trying to make a conscious effort this year to not wish all the time away, however I am grateful it is passing with ease right now. But if I blink I will miss Archie, the one I am so lucky to have, I know he doesn’t want or need anything as he has it all – he has love, he has food he has toys and his iPad! Ha ha! And he has a sister, she may not be here but she is still his sister – he no longer needs one, next month he will be fortunate to be getting a little baby brother, he will be one of those lucky children that has both a brother and a sister. He is getting a beautiful little brother to play, fight and grow up with. At first I wasn’t sure how I felt about this – I think the fact we are having a boy has made my worries slightly less, a girl straight after Betty would of been terrifying. Of course I would be lying if I didn’t say I want a daughter, but I don’t need one. All I need is a healthy baby, who’s mine to love and look after like I have done with Archie, a baby that arrives safely and is as healthy as it can be. A baby I can watch grow and remember all those precious moments, a beautiful little boy, our Sunshine, who will fill our lives with happiness and help to heal some of the sadness we have experienced this last year. 

He won’t replace our baby girl, that was never the intention, but his arrival will, I hope, be the first step in putting a little plaster on our hearts that were broken and shattered 11 months and 4 days ago. He will show us that things can be ok, we can keep him and that Archie is a great big brother. We want him and we need him that I can be sure of. With everyday that passes I will never take a single moment of his precious life for granted for he will be our precious rainbow BABY BOY. 

Jen 

I didn’t have a chance to write a blog post last week think it may have had something to do with a certain little person and spending nearly every day being monitored (don’t get me wrong I am NOT complaining) I am so happy all is ok. But I wanted to share what I got upto last weekend because it was truly FABULOUS! So… It’s a week late but last Saturday was the perfect moody day, it rained most the day (but the place we went was so cosy this really didn’t matter) one of my best friends had called me in the week and told me she would be picking me up at 9am – a treat would be awaiting for my birthday, a suprise! Eek! I love surprises.

True to her word, 9am, my taxi arrived and we were off, I had no idea where we were going – she was good at keeping a secret! We headed over to Sandbanks, my first suggestion was bodyboarding!!! It seemed to be the perfect day for water sports, the water was full of crazy people in wet suits bombing around the water making it look easy. My thoughts turned to the fact that there would most certainly not be a wet suit big enough for my big fat bump! Ha ha! Of course she wasn’t going to be making me do extreme sports today! 

We headed on through to the Sandbanks chain ferry – I still didn’t know where we were going, I’m rubbish at guessing! It was then revealed that we would be spending the day at the Pig on the Beach at Swanage, one of my favourite places, she knows me so well! I was going to be truly spoilt with a luxury facial booked in one of the Shepherds Huts and then a lunch date with my bestest would follow my morning of relaxation and pampering. I would of been happy to have just spent the day driving round with her as we don’t get to see each other that much at the moment so the prospect of spending the whole day gossiping and catching up was excitement in itself. 

Luckily it wasn’t too choppy crossing as it was pelting it down by this stage and we were on our way to the Pig! Eek! Oh so exciting! For those who havn’t been, on arrival the hallway meets you with a beautiful row of hunter wellies all lined up in their respective sizes, so twee, I know, but oh so cute and perfectly fitting for a day like ours, rainy and not flip flop weather (but they are my comfiest shoes right now). We took to the beautiful little steps down into the entrance lounge adorned with raging log burning fire (gorgeous) and I was met by the therapist who would be sending me into pampered princess status, after the usual forms etc I was heading out into the rain to the little gypsy style hut, super exciting! I didn’t even know they did treatments there so I couldn’t wait to try this out! 

On entering the hut after walking through the beautiful grounds and admiring Old Harry, even on a day like today it was so clear and picturesque. I got myself ready and laid on the comfy bed complete with elevated foot rest (anyone who’s been preggers before knows lying flat regardless on the comfort of the bed will feel like one is laid on a bed of stone if those legs don’t get elevated) so this was perfect, their range of organic beauty products were to be used on my face (which had extra layers of make up on today) as I didn’t know I would be having treatments, the poor therapist, I think it took her several cleanses just to get my slap off, but alas once removed I sank into an oasis of pure relaxation. The rain could be heard on the tin of the roof and I think I even did a little sleep snort (which pulled me right back into a wakeful state)… I hate it when that happens so embarrassing. After cleansing, exfoliating and massaging my cheeks,forehead etc and a hot and cold stone facial massage (actual heaven) I had a beautiful mask applied and not only did I get a hand massage I also got a foot one too! Couldn’t believe my luck, I just laid there the whole time thinking to myself I hope this doesn’t end anytime soon. Sadly after just over an hour of bliss she was done, all good things and all that. But it was truly heavenly and now I had lunch to look forward. 

(A teeny Robin came to say hello on my walk back) 

Now food I love, but food and flowers, easily pleased I accept, but, I LOVE food and flowers  (must find out where I can buy said edible flowers) these will at least make my food look pretty even if it is inedible! Like the facial – lunch was not to disappoint. Led into the beautiful ‘potting shed’ style conservatory all my favourite things vintage China and cutlery as far as the eye could see, simple but fabulously quaint. Gorgeous potted herbs as table decs, and the food, oh the food! Warm bread arrived with smokey salts and homemade Rosemary oil for dipping, delish, and that was just for starters. I am always sold on anything on a menu that contains blue cheese so I opted for the concoction of chicken, crispy panchetta with a blue vinney cheese sauce, have I got your taste buds going yet? For my good friend, as a veggie she had an equally tasty dish accompanied by sides of gorgeous green veggies, roasted beets and thrice cooked chips (yes they were as tasty as they sound) not being one to fain from sweet offerings, pudding had to be done, I’m unsure of what we ate now but one contained chocolate and lots of it and the other was a cheesecake based choice, absolutely divine. Rounded off with ‘piggy fours’ to take home in a cute little box and lunch was over. Delightfully full, our day came to an end. 

The perfect day, spent indoors in beautiful surroundings and company, with pampering, eating, drinking and gossiping on the menu, it was perhaps the best tonic I could of had last weekend. It was truly wonderful. I shall keep the memory for the months to come when I’m covered in milk, have not slept and have constant mummy duties to uphold (I can’t wait). But I will always remember that moody day, when I declared ‘I just want to wear my leopard print bumbag in Ibiza’, maybe that will be our next ‘treat’ who knows! For now Swanage has done me just perfectly, and I have to think of a way to return the treat to the ‘bestest’, hmmm a tricky one to top! 

Jen 

In the holidays we spent a lot of time catching up with friends, on one play date Archie made my friends beautiful baby girl (who is a couple of weeks older than Betty laugh) he sat with her and tried to make her giggle, it was so lovely to watch, she watched him intently as he moved around the room – afterwards I thought of how beautiful he would of been with Betty, kind, gentle, like the loving soul he is, protecting his little sis while goofing around and making her laugh and shriek. 

This month marks Betty’s 11 months, is it her birthday? Is it her death? I’m not really sure – do I say she would be 11 months or she is 11 months?? Regardless of that – she has now been gone for longer than she was ever alive. I really have no idea – I have felt so good for so many weeks but this week I feel sad again. Most nights the tears come with thoughts of her, thoughts of sunshine, worries of if they will make it. We are in single figures now – but it feels so far from the end, I am trying to remain calm about it all but inside I am so scared. Scared I will let everyone down, mainly Archie. I don’t want him to be sad again – to have to loose his sibling again. 
I thought I could never be afraid of anything ever again – one of the worst things that could ever happen to me did I have nothing left to fear, but I do, the fear that I know how it feels. I know what could happen and how that feels. 

Everyone tells me it will be ok this time, deep down I feel it will but also at the same time I know it may not be. I don’t want to be another statistic of this awful thing that people rarely talk about – stillbirth. I just want to be in amongst the massive statistic of the thousands of babies that are born healthily everyday. I don’t know what to expect when I go to the hospital – I am nervous to go back to the place that when I last walked out of I was turning my back on my little girl leaving her there all alone, the only place we ever were as a family. The place she died and was born in. I know when/if we leave with Sunshine the memory of the car journey home after we left her will be fresh in my mind, the worst journey of my life I was sick the whole way home having left her there, cold, alone. Not something any parent should have to do. 

I can imagine the joy of taking Sunshine home but also know how the pain will feel if they don’t make it. A pain like no other, just like if you had to choose any of your children to say goodbye to them forever, it’s Indescribable – I never want to feel it again I don’t want anyone to, but I know they will. I want to be selfish and say I hope I don’t. What if I see someone being led to ‘the room’ where they take you if your baby dies, I know how I am going to feel when I get there – I know I am going to hate it, for having a baby for me is no longer the enjoyable experience it once was, until they are alive in my arms I cannot look forward I can only look as far as today and as far back as the 11 months that have gone before me, when I no doubt sat in this same spot feeling my little girl move inside me oblivious to what was going to happen to her.

We had so much to give her, she was going to have the most amazing life like her big brother. But it wasn’t meant for her – she wasn’t able to stay with us. The question why will forever haunt me, I still don’t think there’s a day that goes by that I don’t ask this question or talk about the events leading up to her death! Why? That illusive question, being a mummy to Archie I can usually find an answer to most questions which derive from ‘why?’ But in this instance I absolutely cannot answer, I don’t nor will I ever know why – there are no answers, the hardest thing of all to accept. I am thankful I don’t have some kind of illness that caused it or genetic reason for this tragedy but I wonder if we had a ‘why’ would it make the acceptance of what happened to Betty easier or would it be exactly the same as it feels now? I think that on reflection a reason would provide no additional comfort to the path our lives moved in 11 months ago – as much as I hate the awful saying ‘she just wasn’t meant to be’ she really wasn’t and there is nothing we can do to change it, we must celebrate the fact she was and rejoice that she existed even if for just a brief moment in time in person, but she will live on in our hearts and our family forever more, however hard it is that she is not physically here is to accept we have no choice for she is gone. There is no changing that. 

Grief is a journey to which there is no end – there will never be a time when you can say, right I’m all ok now, It’s all ok. I think it’s easy to think when the next baby comes it will heal – of course it may help (I will have to let you know on that one) but it is easy to forget the one that came before and even now people stop asking how things are as if she never happened. If we stop talking about her it feels like she never existed – but people that have their babies don’t need to talk about them because they have them there as a daily reminder of how lucky and blessed they are. Of course like I’ve spoken about before time is a beautiful healer – but who wants to hear that when they are in the middle of the whirlwind of loss and despair? But I have to say its true. I have experienced it – it takes every ounce of positivity that I have to use that time and think about the future, it is not and will not be easy, I’m still new to this and I know the journey will continue for the rest of our lives. More children will come, life will change, Archie will grow, the seasons will change and our lives move on. 

It’s scary to leave someone you loved so much in your past – acceptance is key, I still don’t accept it all but I am coming to terms with it. I am just very aware that as we get older so does she but not in the physical sense, she will have her birthday a matter of weeks from now – but as much as we will ‘celebrate’ really we are mourning a whole year without her – a whole year where no memories with her in them were made. An empty photo of a family of 3 who should be a 4. A toothy, face full of some kind of purred food grin that will never stare at our camera. The tears come, the thoughts are bittersweet as we are getting the chance to do it all again, with Sunshine, they will be the 4th face in the photo – in her place. People will think that’s ok now we’ve got our baby or maybe they will think we never cared about her because we tried again so soon. 

Why do I worry so much about what people think? I know I do – but why? That question again – why? Another one that can’t really be answered. Who would of thought it could be so unclear, I continue to ask myself this question along with many others today – like why is it so hot? Why don’t they sell a toy in the supermarket that costs a £1 so Archie can spend the money his great granny gave him? Why did he insist on helping me load the shopping on the checkout last week and drop a whole box of eggs? Most I know the answer to. Why did Betty Burborough die? I do not, nor will I ever know. What would she be doing now? I havn’t a clue, I could guess I suppose. Is she loved? This I know, more than anyone could ever imagine.

Jen  

I’ve said it before, but I will say it again! I can’t believe 7 weeks of summer is over! It’s crazy! I remember thinking how were me and Archie going to fill our 7 weeks – and effortlessly (with lots I still feel we havnt managed) we have done it and we have had a fabulous time together. I can honestly say I have loved having my beautiful little one at home with me, don’t get me wrong at times when he’s on conversation overload I have wanted to put some ear plugs in for 5 mins peace! But that aside I have loved his company and not having to rush around and be in our normal routine. 

As I sit on the eve of the new school year, I am feeling happy to now be returning to our little routine, but also sad to not have my boy around the house everyday (although I will be loving everything being tidy again) ha ha! I can remember how I felt this time last year when he was going to be starting his first day of school, I was feeling nervous, sad and excited all at the same time. This year I have no anxieties for him, I know he is going back to see all his wonderful friends and his school is really quite fabulous! 
It feels a bit like NYE – I have all these ideas in my head for the start of the new school year, things that we get to have a fresh start on for the year ahead, let’s see…

•walk to school everyday

•leave the house on time 

•cook a wholesome meal from scratch everyday for the boys

•do our reading every night

•polish Archies shoes every week! 

I predict that just like most New Years resolutions I will be lucky if I manage all of the above for more than a week! Will keep you posted…

So tonight, as all the children sleep, recharging those batteries for the start of school life again thoughts for me turn to Autumn which as everyone knows I am looking forward to, lots will change for us over the coming weeks, all being well for the better. As always we are all trying to be the best parents we can be – the days come and go and time moves quickly, this was another goal of mine to reach in our Sunshine journey, the countdown is well and truly on now especially as we are in single figures. I am starting to think about wether I should get any baby things out – should I wash the clothes? Get the Moses basket out? Pack my hospital bag? All of which I’m sure I will share if and when I do! 

One way or another things will change for us again soon – I’m continuing to try and stay as positive as possible and believe that we will get to keep our baby this time. But first, time to wave my first babe off to start his journey into Year 1! He is growing up so quickly! I can’t wait to see what the next year has in store for us, I love watching him grow and learn and I know how fortunate I am to have the chance to experience it with him. 

So to all mummies and daddies who will wave their little ones off tomorrow, be it for the start of their school journey or the continuation of one they have already begun, remember those partents who have little ones in heaven who should be embarking on that journey tomorrow but won’t, they are so brave, not because they want to be but because they have to and we should all have an extra kiss in the morning when we say goodbye because we are so fortunate to get that chance. 

Jen

I literally can’t believe the summer holidays are nearly over! I remember a couple of weeks ago thinking what was I going to do with Archie for 7 weeks – now we have 1 1/2 left and I’m wondering where it went! I have to say we havn’t done anything spectacular – but we have had a lovely time together and to be honest it’s just lovely to have him around all day everyday, he’s a real pleasure to have around the house. It’s hard being this pregnant as I feel guilty as I would love us to go out and about everyday but I just don’t have the energy to do it at the moment. He’s been such a good boy tho and seems to have been content with catching up with friends and having time at home playing with his toys and watching films, which he doesn’t get a huge opportunity to do when he’s at school! 

Today we had a day trip to Weymouth Sealife Park, my brother and his girlfriend have this week off so they came with us which was lovely – and it was nice to have the extra pairs of hands and eyes! We had a voucher for 40% off which gave us a brilliant discount getting in (I don’t think it’s overly worth the £23.50 to get in without the discount) but just over £14 each was a good price as there is quite a lot to see and some cute little rides for the kids! They also give you a little booklet to collect stamps as you go round which is a fun thing for the children to do whilst they are looking at each area of the park. There was a brilliant splash zone/paddling bit, although I had his swimming stuff Archie wasn’t really fussed about going there – but if you take a picnic and swim bits on a hot day I think you could easily spend all day there. 
(What 5 year old is a fan of queueing… Definitely not this one) (Archie and his Uncle Tom)

There’s parking just outside which was £6 for 6 hours – I had seen reviews on trip advisor complaining about this but I personally think that sort of price is to be expected, it’s the same if you visit the Oceanarium in Bournemouth you have to park in the public car park which is run by the council so in peak season it’s to be expected! And for almost a whole day I don’t think it’s too bad – it’s not like we do it every day. 
(Not the best light but fab seeing all the fish in the background!)

After the Obligatory end of the trip stop at the gift shop we headed out to the seafront and had a lovely long walk all along the promenade and got some late lunch at a lovely beach cafe. Archie had an ice cream that was almost as big as his head so he was very pleased with that and it kept him quiet for a minute or two! The weather has been amazing today so it made the whole day even more enjoyable. All in all it was a fab day out and nice to spend a whole day out – we’ve done loads of walking so I’m officially knackered now! But it was worth it as Archie really enjoyed it! 

I’m looking forward to making the most of the next week and a bit – even tho we aren’t out doing glamorous things everyday we are enjoying our time together all the same and Archie has grown up so much this last year whatever we seem to do it’s enjoyable as he’s at that age now where he listens, plays or gets on with whatever we are doing! Don’t get me wrong he still has his odd moments doesn’t any child. I’m still trying to imagine what next summer will be like with Sunshine and Archie together – I’m sure he will seem so much more grown up again with a little sibling in tow and we will have to adapt the holidays to suit the both of their ages, but I can’t wait for it! I know I said before I’m finding it hard to think towards the future but I’m trying to let myself have the odd indulgent daydream about what life will be like with my 2 lovely children, if it all works out I think it’s going to be pretty damn good. 
(Check out my Sunshine shaped belly button which is well and truly never going back to normal! Ha ha!) 

Jen 

Recently I realised that It’s hard to feel down when your on holiday after we spent a week in Mallorca with my mum and dad. I always think the sunshine provides a beautiful prospective on all things in general. Not only does it put you in a better mood, or make you a sweaty fat mess (in my case) ha ha! But it allows you to see the beauty in things you don’t always notice. 

I have spoken before about how I favour the sun over the dark, rainy miserable days. But like all things we need those to make us appreciate the better ones. Just like when you feel sad, you need those bad days to appreciate when you feel happy again. When you feel ill or under the weather sometimes you need a reminder of how horrible it is to feel like that so when you are better you appreciate ‘feeling normal’ again! 

When Betty left us we never went away, as nice as it would of been to escape for a while and be on our own our circumstances at the time did not allow. So this summer holiday has been a real opportunity to not only spend time as a family which we don’t get as much chance as we would like to at home but it was also an opportunity for me to stop, switch off and reflect. I was worried at first that I would start to feel a bit crazy with nothing to do but I was actually ok! Be it the weather, the relaxation or not being at home or maybe it was a combination. But it’s a positive step (I think) I don’t have a clue about any of this really, grief, loss, I’m learning as I go. But I really do think I’m actually starting to feel ok! I know that sounds such an odd thing to say! But it’s true. It’s difficult to explain maybe if your reading this and you’ve experienced something similar you can relate. But when you can start to find enjoyment in ‘things’ again I think it is a good indicator that actually things are going to be ok. 

When you no longer go through the motions of day to day life like a robot day after day just managing to make it to the next, when you drink in your surroundings and stop feeling guilty for enjoying the simple things that the loved one you left behind is not there to see, you can know it’s going to be ok! Our life will always be a little different now – our journey has changed its course, not through our own choice but I am starting to accept that things will be different now, but understand that they can and will be good. The sunshine and time to reflect has shown me that. And for that I am grateful. Betty is there somewhere, I’m sure of that. Her life was worth something. I would do it all again just to see her and hold her regardless of the outcome because that is what love is, unconditional. We love even tho we know one day we or others will be without us or them but we have to do it because it’s what we do as human beings. 

I know Betty shines through in her Brother Archie and in Sunshine! They will both be my reminder daily that she was here and always will be. I know that we can do this as hundreds before us have and many ahead will do. It’s not been nor will it be easy but it’s achievable. I am proud of myself and my family of how far we have come in such a short space of time. Who knows what we can achieve in the future it is all there for the taking – the sky’s the limit and Betty is there, a shining star, the brightest of them all guiding us along the way reminding us of how precious life is. 10 months ago we said hello and goodbye, we changed as a family, individuals, a couple. We learnt lessons many will never have to, we had to accept a situation we didn’t choose, but we are facing it head on, we are still standing, we love eachother more and we appreciate everything that little bit more. Sunshine, showers or rainbows whatever the weather we will take it in our stride for that is all we can do. 

Jen 

(Pic of us on hols – Archie mid eye rub! Most the other pictures of him he is pulling a face!!) 

I have spoken a few times before about the guilt of parenthood, be it regarding Betty, Archie or Sunshine I have felt guilt when it comes to all my children. I feel guilt for Betty’s death, I have not spoken much about this – I feel it was my fault. I know it wasn’t but I feel that and there’s no shying away from it. Last summer I felt guilty for not being able to run around after Archie playing with him like I wanted, having the energy I required to entertain a lively 4 year old. But, I got through the summer telling myself that the summer of 2016 would be the best one yet, with our big boy and baby girl, a no doubt lively 9 month old and doting 5 year old and we would do all the things the 3 of us that mummy had been unable to muster up the energy to do last year. 

To no avail – I am in fact 6 and a half months pregnant again with no energy once again feeling the guilt of the summer before, preparing for a holiday that would of been our first as a family of 4. I feel such mixed emotions – I am so grateful to be able to be at home with my son, spend the summer with him, take him out, entertain him as best I can (although to be honest he’s very good at entertaining himself) I am thankful we are able to have a holiday, but it feels somewhat tainted with a story that never quite happened. It’s tricky. 

I have a suitcase full of gorgeous swimming costumes and summer dresses all bought with this summer in mind because the last thing I thought was going to happen was Betty would be dead. Never in a million years did I think it wasn’t ok to dream of this summer with her in it – now that’s all I do, dream. In fact I don’t. I find it odd I don’t dream about her – EVER. Sometimes I wish I would so I could see her, speak to her, but it never happens. Maybe it will, maybe she wasn’t here long enough to escape into that part of my brain, to be honest I rarely dream about Archie and I know him! Odd. 

Anyway the summer. It’s so hard when human nature allows us to plan our lives in our heads, to then have to stop yourself doing it isn’t easy – poor Sunshine, (more guilt) I have to stop myself thinking of what life will be like with them here, I don’t want to get too excited only to be disappointed at the end of it. I think this is normal. I think most of us would react in the same way if faced with a similar situation, but I then feel guilty for almost putting them to the back of my mind even tho they are very much there – I am of course reminded of that everyday. So really I think no matter what way you look at it as a parent you will feel guilt on all levels regardless, this is only natural. But I suppose you just have to do your best and that is all you can do! 

Last week Archie had a week with his Nanny and Grandad – it was a co-incidence that I was ill so actually ended up being timed perfectly, but all week I felt a little bit guilty that I was missing seeing him and doing things with him for the first week of his summer hols. But at the same time had he been here I would of felt guilty because not only could I not talk for the best part of the week but I would have been of no use to him whatsoever. Thus proving either way I would have felt the guilt! 

He has started a summer holiday journal! Tonight we caught up with the weekend as he didn’t write in it then – Saturday’s entry was about him coming home on the ferry (they live on the Isle of Wight) after he’s done a few sentences he draws a picture! His picture was him on the ferry with the 3 of us above and next to it he had written ‘hape’ (happy) and he said I wrote happy mummy because when I’m with you, you always make me feel happy. It got me thinking that he probably doesn’t actually care that I can’t run after him (anyone who knows me knows actually I’m not a runner at the best of times so I don’t think pregnancy would make much of a difference on this front) but he feels happy at home with me, and that was the best thing I could of heard today because for that one spilt second I didn’t feel guilt I too felt ‘happy’ something I am learning to feel more and more each time I think of his siblings rather than all that surrounds their existence. Because after all if we don’t have happiness what is there? 

Jen 

Every day that passes is another day I get older, another day Archie gets taller and another day further to leaving Betty in our past. When you leave hospital without your baby all you have are the memories you hold in your head (which lets face it at that point are pretty messed up) and a handful of photos and small mementos that right now just don’t seem enough. But they are my most precious possessions.

The weekend marked 9 months since our beautiful girl came and went in the blink of an eye. I really do miss her. Every day I wake up and the first thing I think about is her. I long to hold her, cuddle her, be her mummy. It really is just such a sad deep harrowing feeling that some days is easier to accept than others. With each day passing as sunshine grows and gets stronger, I have to find every bit of courage I have inside to not think about the fact that I won’t have to live without them. I pray I don’t, I don’t know how I will cope if life gets any crueler for us. I have to push the thoughts away but it’s so hard. 

This year feels like de ja vu to me. I am after all only 2 weeks behind in this pregnancy than I was with Betty and I’m scared. Scared to make plans with people I meet that are pregnant or friends who are due the same time as me, I think that once again they will get their babies and I will be left empty handed. I don’t think anyone can comprehend how much energy it takes to walk into a room, a playground, a coffee shop when there is a baby there after you have lost one. Even after the months pass, it is still hard, I didn’t break a nail I LOST MY BABY, she died! People who have no concept of this or a pure disregard for it are quite frankly abysmal. Fortunately not many will ever have to experience such a tragedy. How do you measure the amount of ‘time’ it should take you to feel ‘OK’ to mix with those who have the thing you lost? The answer to this is there is in fact no answer. How long is a piece of string? 

I like to think I have done extremely well on this front – in the first few months I didn’t openly choose to surround myself with other people’s new babies but if I found myself in that situation even tho I panicked inside I rose above it, I held my head high and I did it, I was in their company. Now I have certain babies that I feel comfortable with, I still struggle with new babies and if they are girls I also find this even harder – but I’m ok, I don’t have a choice. I don’t intentionally put myself in situations where I know I may feel upset (why would I) why would anyone expect me to! I won’t go to the group counselling meetings for the pure reason that I am so worried I will upset someone else who has encountered a loss more recently than me – why on earth would they want to sit next to a fat pregnant woman (me) it would be the last thing they would want to do (I know it would be me) I constantly try to think of others. Sometimes it’s a shame others don’t always think of you, but perhaps more than often they are too wrapped up in their own lives to do so. (And let’s face it why should they) but I am also learning to be selfish now. I am trying to think of myself more for a change. Focusing closely to home and not much further. Not only because I am so busy working and looking after Archie I don’t have much time to spread myself any thinner, but also because you quickly see when something like this is put upon you who is true, It is such an eye opener. And when you are fragile it is vital that you immerse yourself in the company of those who make you feel good about yourself, bring positivity because it’s hard enough as it is without having to help everyone else around you. 

I digress from my initial point, when the memories fade, because they do – Betty will remain in my heart forever but my head struggles to process all of my memories of her right now, I know there are so many more things I want to know about her that I never thought to look at. I can’t easily remember what it felt like to touch her skin, what her hair felt like, my mementos that I keep in a little cardboard box don’t seem enough, my photos are not plentiful enough. If only I had known what her fate would be I could of planned better. My darling girl, you are never far from my mind, but I don’t get ‘signs’ you are there – I can only hope that our Sunshine is the one true sign you sent to show us that our hearts can mend a little and that your beautiful face can be seen in theirs – they will never replace you, they will be their own member of our family just like you – but right now we need something good to come out of all the pain of loosing you. We need our rainbow, I hope that day will come soon. 

Until then if you are watching please don’t let anything happen to our Sunshine. Betty Dora Burborough, you are my sunshine, my precious sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey you’ll never know darling just how much I love you, I will never know why you couldn’t stay. 

Jen 

I can’t quite believe that Friday marked a whole academic year that my lovely Archie has been at primary school! Where does the time go! This time last year I was in fact pregnant AGAIN.. with Betty and we were about to embark on our last summer holiday before he started school. Today I should be sat with my 9 month old daughter (she would be 9 months today) wondering how I am going to juggle 5 year old activities with that of a baby. Obviously I’m not. I am however spending another summer holiday pregnant (which I am very greatful for) but this time I can’t visualise next summer, in fact I don’t really want to think about it. After all I never thought what would happen to Betty did, I hope this time next year we will have Sunshine but there’s no guarantee. 

I never in a million years imagined that my son would have to go through one of the biggest stages in his life (starting school) coupled with the loss and coping with the death of his sister. But wow how he has coped! He has been truly amazing, I know children are resilient – but his attitude towards what has happened and I don’t believe he’s too young to understand he knows exactly what happened to us and he has been fantastic. He has taken everything in his stride, never kicked up a fuss, never played up, still as loveable as ever. Perhaps a credit to us but proof at just how amazing his school and teachers really are. 

His teachers have supported him through this year incredibly, whilst looking after 29 other children which can’t be an easy job – this time last year all I was worried about was wether he would wear the uniform, the shoes. Now I know I have so much more that I could be worrying about, but with his school behind him, I don’t worry when I drop him off – I know he is safe, I know he is loved and I know that they are mindful of his feelings and will deal with his questions and thoughts. He wrote all the people in our family the other day at school, Betty was there. In his head she is firmly his sister, a part of our family. It makes me happy to know he thinks like this. I don’t think it’s unhealthy to talk about the dead – Infact I think it should be embraced in our situation. I have talked many times before about showing him pictures and I don’t think the time is right for that now, but when he’s older I will show him her little box of footprints, her lock of hair, all her pictures, when I know he’s old enough to take it all in and appreciate it. Right now I am just enjoying the fact that he is ok – he has embraced school life, he loves it. He has lovely friends and has learnt so much in what seems like such a short space of time. 

So as we begin 7 weeks together, I look forward to spending some quality time with my first baby, whilst I try and look after my other baby Sunshine and remember my second one. I will treasure every moment we share and try and make it special for him as it could be the last one just the two of us and next summer we could have another little one to enjoy the fun we have together. No one said life was easy, but I know I have to focus on what I do have and not dwell on negativity thinking about what I don’t have but want. There’s no bringing her back but there’s no forgetting her either. I know for me one of the hardest things is Archie not having the chance to be the big brother I know he will be so good at! But I can only hope in time he will get this chance, he deserves it so much. 

Jen